Self Fulfilling Prophecies

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Tell people why they should dislike you enough and eventually they will. I don’t know why I do this, I just can’t seem to help it. It’s like I have to convince anyone who may have a positive opinion about me that they are wrong. This is something I have done over and over, driving away what few people who have been kind enough to talk to me.

Maybe deep down I just want people to hate me? I don’t know or understand why.

Self hatred

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A few thoughts that I posted on a forum recently:

As the title says (I genuinely hate myself), I honestly don’t like myself at all. I don’t feel like I deserve help and when my therapist suggests trying to fight back against my “internal critic” and simply cannot do that, because I don’t believe any other way of thinking is correct. Telling myself that I’m “OK” or that I am not weird would be like trying to tell myself that I am not a man, or that I don’t speak English.

I don’t want to help myself, I feel as though I deserve to be depressed because I am such a loser and so pathetic. Whenever people try to say positive things to me, my first reaction is hostility and then disagreement, as if they were complimenting my worst enemy. 

I’m not sure exactly what is wrong with me now, morbid thoughts are almost constantly on my mind and I don’t even try to stop them, in a strange indescribable way, I am glad that they are there.

If a person hated someone so much and thought they were a waste of resources and a drain on society, if they thought that the person was so pathetic and such a loser that the world would be much better without them that they wished they were dead. Would you think that the person is bad? Evil? 

What if the object of their hatred was them self?

A special kind of loser

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That’s what I am. If I was just your average run of the mill nerd then I’d be able to hang out with other nerds, but no I don’t fit in there either. It seems like there’s no place for me in the world, the only other people I know of who don’t like getting drunk and things like that are religious types, which I am not.

I’m honestly sick of my life, the constant guilt that I should be making more of the opportunities that I have been extremely lucky to have, how ridiculously boring and uninteresting I am to 99.999999% of people. I’m tired of knowing how my life is going to turn out. I don’t want to be 40 years old, still living with my mum and if I’m lucky, working at McDonalds (though even that seems beyond my capabilities at the moment). I’m tired of spending so long obsessing over how much I wasted the potential to do well in life. Every time I think about the future I just can’t help but feel dread, the only comfort I have is knowing that at least I still have the necessary physical capability to kill myself. I feel genuine sorrow for people who want to do that but can’t 😦

I don’t know who to talk to, I feel like I want to talk but I’ve already caused enough harm by telling one person who I thought I could trust. I’ve emailed samaritans on 2 separate occasions in my life but they don’t really help much and I’m far too scared to phone them and I don’t want it showing up on the phone bill. I don’t really want to be talked out of it.. I’m not sure what I want.

There’s really no hope for someone like me, I just cannot cope with the struggles and hard things life throws at you. I can’t even get through the sanitised practice life that is adolescence and university, let alone the “real world”. I am too scared to get a hair cut, go to the dentist, make phone calls and any number of things a person needs to be able to do. I can’t even pick what clothes to buy without asking someone whether I’d look ridiculous wearing them. I doubt there are as many people as sheltered as me in the entire world.

I’ve seen other unpopular and nerdy people in my life but they always seem to somehow break out of it or at least accept themselves and other accept them to a certain extent, but it never happened to me. It’s like there’s something missing from them that I have, I wish I couldn’t see how pathetic and weird I am, it’s like a curse. If I could forget about it, maybe people would laugh at me for a while but eventually come to like me as they did with those other people. As things are though, I just stay in the background, never daring to reveal my true self.

I used to see other unpopular folks try and talk to people and cringe at how much they were making social faux-pas and feel a certain kind of smug satisfaction that I had not done something like that. In reality though, staying quiet (and I do mean quiet, more on that later) and out of view has done vastly more harm than good. To use a tired analogy, I think socialising is a lot like riding a bike; sure you can avoid falling off if you never try but in the end you are never going to learn. I took the easy way out and never tried. I used to think I was above socialising and that my intelligence was all I needed to get far in life. Now I’m older and a little wiser, I realise than social skills mean much, much more than that, and intelligence is just a bonus.

Before I leave this hellish existence, I feel I must leave some explanation for my loved ones (i.e family) if they don’t already see why I would no longer want to live this ridiculous life. Hopefully whatever I leave on this blog will serve as a cautionary tale to anyone going through the same experiences as me and hopefully they will change before it’s too late.