Getting By

First a few site updates, for the first time since 2008 I have rewritten the “About” page to be more relevant and explain a little more about myself. I also added a Contact page in case anyone would like to write to me for some reason. I also updated my blogroll which was similarly out of date. Sadly, almost all the blogs I used to read have either been deleted or not updated for many months. I hope that those people are all OK. I left the blogs that still exist on there in case they come back.

At university things are going a little better. I have had some grades back and I’ve done quite well so far which is a relief. I finally managed to get the motivation to put some real hard work into my project and arranged a meeting with my supervisor who looked over my report and seemed quite pleased with it. He gave me some notes but I have been too anxious to read what he said yet. This is a strange quirk which I have had for a long time and can’t seem to shake off. It used to be the case that I would never post on forums because I’d be afraid to read anyone’s responses to what I’d said. Emails would go unread for weeks because of the same fear and I have the same worries about comments on this blog. I always fear that someone will have written a damning criticism of my comparatively inconsequential problems but luckily nobody has seriously hurt my feelings here so far.

It is a relief to feel that I am actually up to date with university work, a situation I am not too familiar with. Despite my best efforts, I often find myself behind on assignments or missing lectures but this semester I have only missed 2 lectures, one I overslept for and the other because of anxiety but this is a huge improvement on previous semesters.

University Goings On

I bumped into my project supervisor in the hallway yesterday and he said we need to talk about my project, with which I am woefully behind on the work, and I think he said he would email me or asked me to email him, I can’t exactly remember because I was overcome by anxiety. Anyway I just sent him an email explaining the situation and that I was struggling with earlier work but have made a real effort to try and  catch up, and my attendance is much better this year (I’ve only missed one session since the start of the semester) so hopefully he will be understanding. He’s not a strict person, more one of the younger lecturers who seems to like to communicate with us on our level if you know what I mean. He’s also been made head of my specific course so I’m hoping he’ll have a look over my records from last year and realise I’m not making things up. I did do some project work this weekend but I still have a lot to catch up on.

The classes I was taking before Christmas had very hard assignments but time I have more of a handle on what’s going on and my grades have been alright so far so I’m hoping that I can dedicate more of my time into the project. I say time, but really it’s mental effort that is my problem. I have no real shortage of actual time, it’s not like I’m trying to juggle work with any kind of social life like most people, but honestly most days just making it into university and managing to eat some food is extremely mentally draining on me and I don’t feel up to work. I know that sounds pathetic but those things really take it out of me. When I have days off and I don’t have to worry about going out and getting food, I can work for hours but those days are few and far between.

This is a stupid incident to obsess about, but a few weeks ago I tripped walking down some stairs and hurt my ankle but what concerned me more than that was that people saw me and it must have only added to my appearance as an awkward weirdo. I don’t know if any of you have seen the film A Beautiful Mind, but I feel like the main character in that (besides the hallucinations and mathematical genius haha) in the way that people regard him as an outsider, a strange character that is a source of humour for them. Sadly I don’t have the academic aptitude to make up for that.

I don’t know what the point of this post is really, I’m just feeling a bit down and I kind of miss having the people who used to read and comment here to talk to. I’ve lost contact with almost all my friends from the social anxiety sites and don’t really have anyone to talk to who can relate any more.