Everything I do goes wrong

I honestly cannot express how sorry I am to anyone who reads this site. Please, please believe me when I say that I seriously thought that I was at end of road. On friday or saturday night (I can’t remember what days things happened on) I took 50 amitriptyline tablets and a whole blister pack of diazepam, sent out an email to some people I know but wouldn’t otherwise find out, and thought that was it.

(un)fortunately someone apparently told the police and the next thing I can remember is lying in a hospital bed with my family staring at me.

Nothing I said made sense, even to myself. I was convinced someone had stolen my bag and later on I couldn’t get anyone to acknowledge I existed and told my family that I had thrown a jug of water at some people so  they would look at me. I honestly thought I was dead or invisible.

After a semi-conscious argument with a psychiatrist yesterday, it was decided that I had to stay in hospital. The amount of syringe marks, IV lines (including some bizarre thing in my neck) and general crappy feeling was horrible to say the least. I had several nightmares while I was there and it is still hard for me to figure out what actually happened and what I imagined. I’m still kind a bit out of it so forgive me if this doesn’t make sense.

This morning I managed to convince them to discharge me. I thought it was a few days later than when I took the  pills but found out that it’s been a week. I remember nothing before Friday, its very disconcerting and I am unbelievably  guilty.

I can’t think of anything that could express how sorry I am for all the trouble I’ve caused. The people who cared, to anyone I upset, I’m truly sorry. Please don’t think I did that for attention. I never meant to cause a panic. I’ll write again soon, still not feeling fully clear in my mind.

Updates

Updated the site to the latest version of WordPress and the theme I use. Let me know if there are any problems. Also checked my analytics and I’m still getting quite a lot of hits even though I haven’t really been in a posting mood lately.

I wish more people would take a look at my sponsors though, hopefully the links at the top will be of some use to my readers and will help me fund this site (hint hint).

If anyone knows of some other good books I should promote, please leave a comment 🙂

Also I started a new twitter account, click the button on the left to follow me! Wanted to keep my blog and personal one separate.

Spiralling

This might not make much sense, sorry in advance. The last few days I have felt like I am spiralling out of control, one day blurs into the next I forget when it started exactly. I have been seriously considering reckless things that I shouldn’t be (not talking about suicide) and I’ve hit 4 of the symptoms of hypomania. Not that I am suggesting that I am bipolar, I’ve never had this before and yesterday I realised I forgot my meds 2 days in a row which probably didn’t help things.

I haven’t eaten a proper meal since last thursday, I’ve been getting through work on red bull, had to call in sick one day last week because on top of everything i had a splitting headache and terrible cold and I couldn’t take it.

I’m scared about what I might do. I had tried to convince myself to stop looking towards suicide as the answer, but if I wreck up my life even more I might not have any other option.

Last night I told the person I’m closest too about how I am feeling and what crazy things I had been planning to do and I think she should have been disgusted with me and never wanted to speak to me again but instead she just wanted to reassure me that it’s my illness. I don’t know if I can lay the blame of much more at the feet of depression, I have to take responsibility at some point.

What upset me most is that she said that she felt like she has been talking to a person with a terminal illness for the past few weeks 🙁 I hate to think that that is how I am thought of, I don’t deserve any sympathy, everything wrong with me is my own doing and I don’t HAVE to die, it’s all self imposed. I feel guilty as hell.

this is an extract of some things i have written down for my therapist (still got to wait until the 17th to see him)


I am a wreck. I feel like I want to cry but no tears come, there’s nothing there. I’m so sick of being such a worthless excuse for a human and heading down the inevitable path of failure.

(cut)

I am so starved of affection and I crave it desperately even if it is not real. I long for someone else’s touch. It is so incredibly hard knowing you are disgusting and repellent to everyone and that closeness and intimacy are unattainable. I plan on killing myself soon, I’d rather my inevitable suicide be seen as a tradgedy and maybe a waste of potential than people wonder “what took him so long?”

I honestly don’t know what to do. What can I do? Call crisis? They can’t help, I’m too entrenched for half an hour with a stranger to make everything A-OK. How could I possibly explain everything that is wrong to yet ANOTHER person I don’t know? I don’t know if there is any help available for the chronically suicidal.