Tiring

It’s so tiring pretending that everything’s ok and I’m not worrying. I’m in a no win situation with my mum, if I don’t tell her what’s wrong then she gets upset but when I explained how I felt she got even worse and started trying to make me come home from uni. I don’t know why she thinks quitting the only thing that gives me even a tiny possibility of being able to make anything of my life would make things better. I’d really have zero reasons to stick around if that were the case.

Every day is just turning into a blur for me right now. It’s always the same; get up go to a lecture, don’t talk to anyone, possibly eat, go on the computer, sleep. That could describe every day since I’ve been there, of course it was the same before except I had no lectures to go to. I’m not sure I can stand a life of such drudgery. I had a few months of the same pattern but with a job instead of lectures and it was no less painful. Not even the money made life seem worth living (even though I had practically no expenses so I could buy whatever I wanted). That was the first time I wrote a suicide note. It explained about my social anxiety (although I hadn’t heard of the condition, I just descibed the symptoms) and how everyone there made me feel like shit every single day.

There was a time when I was just happy enough to be ignored and left alone, it’s a lot better than being hit or mentally ground down of course, but it’s not enough any more. I don’t know how I imagined life would be for me at 24, but I probably wouldn’t expect to be exactly the same as I was 10 or more years ago. Still the odd one out, the misfit and a punchline for people’s cruel laughter. I feel so sorry for people who genuinely are deformed, I wish I didn’t have to say this but someone always has to point out that “it could be worse”, I do realise how good I have things and that does make me feel incredibly guilty on top of everything else. I never stood a chance really, maybe you can get away with being an empty headed bore if you look fairly decent or at least like a normal human, and you can probably get away with being hideous if you are really funny and good to be around, but I have no redeeming qualities.

The only thing I can think of that I don’t despise about myself is that I don’t fool myself into thinking I’m better than I really am. I am under no illusions about what a failure I am. Unfortunately this is why I have my doubts about CBT because it seems like I’d have to delude myself in order for it to work. It’s the same problem I have with any book or method of dealing with low self esteem or SA, they are all based on the assumption that it’s all in your head and you aren’t so ugly that people literally point and laugh in your face, or that nobody is watching how you walk or laugh or speak and thinking that it’s strange, when I have been told that on multiple occasions and then became afraid to laugh and had to force myself to change the way I did so that they’d stop mocking me. Oh and these were supposedly ‘friends’. They never tell you what to do if the negative assumptions about yourself are true and you do have evidence that supports it, they just assume that you don’t have evidence and that is meant to convince you to think differently. There are no books or courses I can find on how to live with being a socially undeveloped freak with a face that scares small children.

I’m so sick of being this monster. When I walk down the street I feel my eyes start to water and I become tense whenever I catch the eye of someone looking at me like something they trod in. I’m sick of this ridiculous face that broadcasts my inadequacy to the world like a beacon of patheticness. I just want to stab myself sometimes, though it is sort of fitting that I have a body that so accurately reflects the loathsome, repugnant waste of life that I am inside too.

I don’t belong anywhere. Death is constantly on my mind, I imagine the pratically empty funeral and think about how easily everyone’s (apart from my family) life will go on. I don’t have any friends who’ll be left behind, certainly no-one who knows me will wonder why, it’s more likely that they’ll wonder I waited this long. I’m alone again now, my mum is out until tomorrow evening. This is the most dangerous time but there’s no way I can tell anyone who culd possibly intervene, I don’t want wrapping up in a metaphorical straight jacket.

Strange goings on

Somehow my posts and people’s comments from the past couple of days have disappeared 🙁 It was pretty depressing stuff but I’m still annoyed. Sorry if you thought I was ignoring you, I assure you I wasn’t.

Edit: I managed to paste it from my RSS reader, sorry about the comments though.

Edit 2: I think my web host must have restored a backup because I lost a link that I added to my blogroll and some settings changes that I made this morning too. Everything should be back now apart from the comments from the last 2 posts 🙁

Emptiness

I had a few moments of relief from the anguish this afternoon, my classes went well and I know a fair amount of the stuff we’ll be covering already. I even managed to talk to one of my future housemates for a good 5 minutes or so in the kitchen.

It didn’t last long though, they are all off out tonight and I confined myself to my room while the noisy good times of pre-club preparation were going on. I can’t stand to be around drunken shoutiness and all that :-S I at least managed to make myself some pasta to eat for dinner once they left. That’s been getting a lot worse just recently, I’ve missed so many meals over the last month of being here, I could stand to lose a lot weight but still…

The bad thoughts never leave, every time I see a tall building I find myself assessing its suitability. I can’t stop thinking about how I’d be able to swallow that many pills. My organ donor card came today, I’m not sure how much of me will be of any use after they scrape me off the floor but hopefully someone more deserving of life will get a little bit more than they otherwise would have.

My week

Somehow I made it to all my classes today, all I can do at this point is to remember how completely hopeless I’ll be if I don’t get this degree. There’s no explaining away a 2.5 year gap in work history when you’re in your 20’s and it’s not because you have kids to look after or anything so reasonable.

I haven’t spoken to anyone in person yet. Not since I said goodnight to my mum on Sunday night. I still can’t believe how people say so much more than me. I watched a program on TV the other day about a device that you can wear and it takes a picture every 30 seconds or when it detects motion and can build up an image of how you spend your time and uses artificial intelligence to pick out “events”. The researchers think they might be able to use this to improve AI in some way or other. It struck me as I watched it how incredibly boring my life is. I only ever go to the same places. The past 3 years for example, I would expect was spent 80% in my bedroom at home. I really haven’t lived a day in my life. 

I no longer think of myself as a real person. Sometimes if I see people having fun or just doing some mundane activity and I think that I’d like to have people who I could spend time with, I’m overcome with a feeling that it is stupid of me to feel that way. It’s even worse if I see a girl who I find attractive, I feel embarrassment that I entertained the notion that I could be liked, even for a split second. That’s for real people, not me.

I won’t name names, but even reading about other people who have mental illness leaves me feeling downhearted and envious sometimes. It’s too late for me to start being normal now. There is absolutely no reason why anyone would like me, I don’t even like myself, I hate myself. Why would anyone be friends with someone who feels such self loathing? 

I won’t pretend to be wise or anything of the sort, but when I sat in class the other day and watched the people in front of me laughing and joking around, I felt like an old man. It’s so long since I’ve actually had a period in my life where I enjoyed being around others, it seems impossible now. When I was a child, before people became concerned with social status and how badly associating with such a freakish looking loser affects it, I used to have a few friends. In a way, I feel stuck in that stage of life. I didn’t grow emotionally beyond the age of about 11.

When I think about how pathetic it is for a “man” in his mid-20s to be so inexperienced, it makes me want to cry (which I do far more often than I should). I remember reading the agony aunt pages in my sisters magazines when I was younger, kids writing in about how they were worried about their first kiss and how they didn’t know what to do. It’s so achingly pathetic that someone can reach my age and still have the same social obstacles to overcome. Not that I worry much about that itself any more, even if I do live much longer it’s not like I’ll have to deal with that awkwardness.

I carry this shame around with me 24 hours a day. I know people can see it in my face. I am terrified to put myself in a situation where the subject of relationships or whatever you want to call it, comes up. It’s not hard to tell from my narrow eyed, red skinned, freckly mess of a face that I’ve never been within 2 feet of a girl. I cringe if I’m ever around a conversation about such matters. On the first night I was here at uni, my flatmates asked each other if they had boy/girlfriends back at home, luckily they were tactful enough to not ask me, but I felt panic rush through my veins anyway.

To most people the 40 Year Old Virgin is a hilarious concept, but for me it’s my future. I can’t let it get that far, I won’t. Non-existence is preferable to me than becoming an even greater laughing stock and ever more lonely and twisted.

High Places

Every time I walk to classes I see that high apartment block calling me over. I want to climb to the 10th floor balcony and drop knowing I’ll have at least a few seconds of release.

I don’t know what to do. It seems like I should talk to someone, but who and what should I say? I don’t know if I want to be talked out of it.

Conflicted

I really don’t know how to feel at the moment. I’m coming out of a few days or weeks (I forget) of bad depression and some good things have happened recently but I’m still not feeling very hopeful about the future.

I’ll start with the good, for a change. I got a First in my computer systems module at uni. The pessimist in me wants to tell you how the first year doesn’t count for anything and that it was an easy module, but I will try to ignore it. I’ve been determined to get good grades and not let the mental stuff interfere with my work as it did so much before and so far I’ve done reasonably well. 

The university recommended we start looking for accommodation for next year soon, as all the good places are taken quickly. I was going to stay in a privately run halls-type place since I don’t have any friends with whom to look for a place of our own but I got a bit of a surprise. Two of the girls who live in my apartment found a really good house that they wanted, with 3 bedrooms and paid the deposit for the 3rd room between them so they could make sure no-one else would take it. Anyway, when I got back to uni after being ill, they asked if I wanted to live with them next year :-S I was quite shocked to be honest and I still don’t really know why they asked me. Maybe they know I’m trustworthy enough not to steal things and will probably pay the rent on time, but we’ve never really talked much and although I remember pretty much everything we’ve said to each other before (random note: I think being so socially deprived allows me to remember and assimilate much more from conversations than a lot of people. I’ll sometimes surprise people with some random thing from years ago that I remember) I don’t think they know hardly anything about me. We went to look around and it is a great place so after some consideration I decided to take it. It means I will at least know the people I’ll be with next year, and of the people in my apartment, I get on with those two the best. 

The bad. I felt guilty signing the contract because I really don’t know if I’ll still be alive by that time. After worrying about that for a while, I made myself feel even worse that I must be subconsciously taking that idea seriously otherwise it wouldn’t bother me so much. I’m not sure if that makes sense… I feel sort of under pressure to resolve things by then, I don’t want to traumatise them by letting them discover my broken remains one morning. 

molecule

It seems paradoxical, but my strongest suicidal feelings don’t necessarily correlate (there’s a less pretentious word but I can’t think of it) with my worst periods of depression. When I first started on antidepressants, the mental health practitioner told me that sometimes when very depressed people start them, it’s a dangerous time because they feel like they have the energy to kill themselves and sometimes go through with it (hence the black box warnings on them). I was lying about my history of suicidal ideation at the time, but I can sort of understand what she meant now. I don’t want to unduly worry anyone, I’m not about to do it right now, but it is rather disheartening that I am probably less depressed and am in a better position now than any time in the last 2 years but I still feel like I want to end it. I don’t want to experience the fall in mood, the drifting sadness and childish jealousy that overcomes me. I still check the price of my preferred method, I made a test order of zopiclone and it came through without problems so an unscheduled, non-controlled substance should have problems. Also I can sleep at night now.

I’m worried about how honest I should be at my CBT assessment. Full disclosure seems like a sure fire way for them to write me off and probably send people around to my house to interfere again. I think I’ll play it by ear.

Stupid SA

I’ve slipped back into old ways again. Since I’ve been back here since Christmas, I’ve only managed to make dinner in the kitchen once and that was when I knew no-one was in. I’m too scared to be around those loud people I don’t know. They scare me, I actually feel fear when I hear raucous laughter and conversations. I’m tired of letting this rule me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been spending far too much money on sandwiches and drinks in town so I don’t have face them all. I worry about stupid things, like what food I buy and whether they’d laugh when they see what’s in my cupboard or think I’m weird or something. It’s hard to describe, but it’s the fear that people will have some undefinable negative feeling towards me that I experienced so many times in school, sixth form and the first uni I went to. I’ve had everything from my laugh to the way I walk picked on and criticised and it’s made me paranoid to do anything in public view. I worry about the most mundane things that people usually never give a second thought to.

One positive thing is that I might be able to see a different psychiatrist next time. I had to get my mum to phone because I was too afraid to do it myself, but my appointment with the creepy guy has been cancelled and I’m waiting to hear back about seeing a different doctor.

Also my CBT appointment has finally come through. I knew over a year ago that CBT was my best shot at getting better but it’s taken this long of jumping through hoops to get them to agree and set a date. I had to fill a CORE form in (don’t know if anyone’s done this before) which has several statements presumably to gauge how depressed you are and  you tick boxes from “not at all” to “most or all of the time”. I’m a bit worried about what they might think because I filled this in honestly, and I really do think about killing myself every day and all that… There was also a longer form where I got to describe what my problem is, how it affects my life and what may have triggered it in the past. This is the first time that I will have been able to fully express these things, the first time I wrote things down for my GP, he refused to read it and made me explain to him, which I struggle greatly with. I’m just hoping that they won’t dismiss me as unsuitable for it because of suicidal and depressed I am. I shall find out on the 2nd of February.

Bystanders urge teenager to jump to his death

From the BBC

A police negotiator has told a Derby inquest how he tried to talk a teenager down from a car park while onlookers goaded him to jump.

Shaun Dykes, 17, from Kilburn, Derbyshire, died in a fall from the sixth-floor roof of the Westfield shopping centre in September 2008.

Det Insp Barry Thacker said shouts from the crowd below distracted them on a number of occasions.

Bystanders were yelling “jump” and “get on with it”, the inquest heard.

At one point the negotiator stretched his arms out to Shaun to try to persuade him to come away from the ledge to talk things over.

But as Shaun bent down to take his hand, a voice from the crowd shouted: “You’re wasting taxpayers’ money,” the inquest was told. The teenager then pulled back from the officer, saying: “No, it’s gone too far.” A short time later he jumped, Mr Thacker said.

This pretty much confirms my view of most of humanity. I would seriously not be surprised if they took videos of it on their phones and posted it on Youtube. Sounds good for a laugh.

I will make sure no-one sees me if I go that way.

Suffering in silence

I wish I could put an end to it but there seems to be only one way to do that for sure 🙁 I no longer believe there is any way that I can be helped, no drugs or lying to me under the guide of therapy will stop me from being such a loathsome individual. On one hand I feel like going out there right now and putting and end to everything but I don’t really want to put my family through that. I don’t know how much longer that will hold me back from doing it though.

If only I had a friend I could talk to, I might feel maybe a tiny bit better but I have no-one. There’s not a single person in the world I could call up and speak to. I’m a pathetic loner and have been ever since I became a teenager and people moved beyond the stage of being friends with whoever their parents made them play with. No-one in control of their minds wants anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame them. I can’t ring the crisis team because I’m utterly terrified. I’d sooner leap to my death than make that call, that’s how bad I am. I can’t go through the agony of explaining why I feel the way I do, and that a lifetime of rejection and years of loneliness, torment and near constant depression are making me want to kill myself, and not appearing like a kid who is saying “nobody likes me”. It’s too hard for me to explain and I don’t know what the hell they can do anyway. I don’t want them coming around here and setting my mum off into tears again, she’ll never let me out of sight again. If I’m forced out of uni then my reason for living is over, that’s it.

I wish I could stop the pain, unfortunately I don’t think it will ever cease.

thebridge

No daylight

I don’t know where the last week went. I didn’t see daylight between Tuesday and Friday, I couldn’t face the world so I dosed up and slept throughout the days and was kept awake by the sound of people enjoying themselves through the nights. I managed to hand the one piece of work I had to do over Christmas in luckily. I’ve returned to the old ways of counting every hour I have left in my safe bubble away from the staring faces and malicious laughter, away from the passive taunting of what could have been if only I wasn’t such a tremendous fuck up and so god damn hideous. The old me is slowly returning, no desire to better myself any more, I just want an end. 

I’m a lost and hopeless cause. If pathetic, lonely middle aged man who lives with his long suffering parent, still under the delusion that their son is wonderful, is the best I can hope for… well fuck that. I’d rather die with the illusion that I had a life ahead of me than after making real the pathetic mess that I will inevitably become.