Feeling Inferior

I recently found out what apartment I’ll be staying in at university and through facebook, one of the people I’ll be sharing a kitchen with. Already I have started feeling hugely inferior and worthless. Just a quick glance at her page, full of pictures of her with friends on nights out, was enough to start me off feeling worthless. I can’t help but think what a huge let down it must be to discover that I am your new room mate. Even on my profile page I sound tremendously boring, I only have one photo of myself with another person. My interests are dull, I only have pity friends. It’s strange, the thing that makes me feel worst of all is how disappointing I will be to the other people I live with. I feel sorry for them for getting stuck with the freakish looking loner.

It’s only 2 weeks now until I move in there, I don’t know if I can do it. I tried to make myself forget about the bad things, but I just can’t put out of my mind how much of a huge step this is going to be. I haven’t even put much thought into how hard the work itself is going to be. I’ll have some time in the house on my own over the next couple of weeks since my mum will be back at work; I don’t know whether there will be anything to stop me this time if I decide to take the other way out.

Positive Thinking

I’ve decided to take people’s advice and write more about positive things. I’ve added a new page; Positivity where I’m going to keep a record of some of the steps I’ve taken to challenge my SA. Hopefully it will give me something to look back on and see that I’ve made progress.

Sticks and Stones

The old adage “sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you”, simply is not true, according to researchers.
Psychologists found memories of painful emotional experiences linger far longer than those involving physical pain.

From BBC News

Well that doesn’t really surprise me. I haven’t had many painful injuries myself, but the mental damage that happened to me over the past 10 years has had an extremely profound effect on me, so much that I’m now accused of being delusional about my negative qualities. I just can’t believe anything positive about myself, I see hidden motives and lies behind any compliments I receive. A lot of my SA stems from a horrible image I have of myself due to the psychological bullying at school and sixth form. I just can’t let go of it, no matter how many people tell me that I have changed or that what those bullies said wasn’t true. I think psychological bullying can be just as devastating as physical bullying.

Distractions

I’ve managed to distract myself from the bad thoughts for a while over the past few days by working on the website that I said I’d do for my mum’s boyfriend. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a while, I used to be really into computers and spend hours reading things and messing about with technology but since I became severely depressed I haven’t really cared about anything. In one way, I hope that my university course (if I get there) will help me to focus and regain my interest, that’s what I intend to do for a living after all. I still have the lingering doubts though. I’ve tried looking up some people on facebook who are starting at the same time as me to attempt to make some contacts before I go, but everything I read from them just makes me feel hopelessly inadequate and worthless. No-one will ever want to be friends with me, I don’t want to get “fukkin recked” or drink for 24 hours which is what everyone else will be doing.

I just don’t belong with anyone, every group and society is based around getting drunk, even more so than the intended purpose from what I’ve heard and seen so far. There doesn’t seem to be much point in even trying to talk to people, I just can’t relate to anyone. I can’t change so drastically enough to be considered normal, or at least acceptably weird.

Is life worth living if you’re always going to be alone, despised, or at best ignored? I’m getting pretty tired of it really, 23 years is a long time. It’s hard enough to know that I’m far too hideous and boring to ever be loved, but I don’t know if a lifetime of friendlessness will be worth bearing.

Psychiatrist

Last week I finally got a letter from the psychiatrists telling my when my appointment would be; the 26th of September. That meant I would have to get the train back here for 9:30am on the Friday of my first week at university. Luckily I managed to get my mum to phone up and they could fit me in earlier on the 6th so I will be able to go before I leave for uni and before I have my last appointment with the mental health practitioner. I’m not entirely sure what will come of it, but I am hoping that possibly changing my medication might give me some relief from the crushing lows I’ve had recently and hopefully they’ll agree with the psych I saw at the hospital and give me some diazepam to use as needed. I could really do with some for when I start uni.

We had some bad news this evening, my mum’s boyfriend, K, phoned and told her that his daughters boyfriend, whom she met in Africa, has committed suicide by shooting himself. I felt terribly uneasy when she was talking about it, I’m not entirely sure that she realised how very close I was to ending my own life last Saturday, if she hadn’t returned home then there was a very high chance that I would have done it. For some reason she seemed much more upset about this person who she has never met than she did about me. I’m a horrible person for thinking this, but I can’t help feel a bit concerned about that. I have no idea about the circumstances surrounding his death, I’ve never meet him or K’s daughter, but I felt a bit hurt after my mum was going on about how tragic it was when she seemed to be ok after a quick 10 minute chat with me.

Down again

My mood came spiralling down again this evening, I knew the relief wouldn’t last forever. I had to answer a question yesterday; why did I feel like killing myself. It is virtually impossible for me to answer out loud but I want to try and write down exactly what is wrong and why I am feeling terribly depressed again (though not actively suicidal, don’t worry).

I am extremely lonely. Because of my horrible appearance and incredibly dull personality, I have no friends at all. I’m too socially anxious to try and make any, no-one would want to know me regardless because I don’t like doing anything that normal people consider to be fun. I also have no life experience or any idea how to act around people because I haven’t had a friend since I was 10 years old and have hardly ever left the house in that time either (I’m 23 now).

For the last 18 months I have been rejected over and over again from every single job that I applied for. I wasn’t setting my targets too high, even minimum wage jobs that had no qualification requirements decided that I was not good enough for them. This is probably understandable since I look like I am mentally disabled and am extremely ugly which makes a terrible first impression at interviews, I then go on to make things even worse since I literally shake with fear and can hardly talk properly because I’m so anxious. My ever increasing gap in work history also counts against me.

As I said previously, I am hideously ugly. I was bullied constantly throughout the time I was at secondary school and sixth form (age 11-18 for those not familiar) directly to my face. This was mostly about my appearance, though being clever and quiet also attracted a lot of negative attention as well. At college it took place behind my back which was a welcome relief, but at work it became just as bad as school, except I couldn’t run away from it. I’d dread going into the office every day as the comments would start the second I came in the door.

All the fun and games that come with SA like not being able to make phone calls without psyching myself up for ages before hand and then making a mess of it, and not being able to hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds also make me feel worthless. I can’t be bothered to describe all the ways SA affects me again, suffice to say that it has made my life a misery so far.

I’ve never known what it is like to be found attractive at all. No girl has ever expresses any interest in me, not surprising in the slightest but it still gets me down a lot. 23 years is a long time to have been single and several times a day I am made to feel pathetic and utterly worthless by something people say or something I hear on TV. Maybe this is sounding like an angsty teens livejournal, but I had hoped that by the time I was almost in my mid twenties I’d have had my first kiss.

Everyone that bullied me (mostly those who were supposed to be my friends) is now much more successful than me. I shouldn’t punish myself by looking them up on facebook, it’s hard to see them all with degrees, in relationships and with good jobs while I’m still the same old pathetic, shy loser living with his mum in the same house as when they used to make fun of me all those years ago. I doubt most of them would remember me very often but I can’t help thinking about the mental scars they caused every single day. I used to think that one day I’d be able to look down on them for a change because I’d have turned my potential into a good degree and job, but no I am just an unemployed loser.

Oh well that’s enough for now. Pity I could tell all that to the psychiatrist when she asked what was depressing me.

Hospital Visit

I’m sorry for worrying people with my blog entries last night, I really did feel awful. Today I managed to go down to the hospital and get myself some help. I was feeling horribly low, and also very anxious but I got help from the lovely Emma and after waiting for 20 minutes trying to summon up the courage, I went in. After a long wait I ended up talking to a psychiatrist for about an hour, which was a great help and I felt a lot better after letting some of the feelings out. She was much more helpful that my mental health practitioner, I probably covered more in the hour than over 5 months of MHP appointments. We covered some relaxation techniques and talked through a lot of stuff about uni and I felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders. They gave me a Valium as well so it maybe that speaking, but at the moment I feel a whole let better than last night.

I want to say thank you for the comments and kind thoughts, I often feel like no-one cares about me but it was nice to hear them.

Foiled

My mum has had an argument with her boyfriend and come back home, great just what I needed. Now I feel a hundred times worse because I’m going to have to walk on eggshells around her. I can’t bring myself end it while she’s here.

Deterioration

I’ve been feeling awful for the past week, I mean really bad – I’ve been planning my suicide seriously. As my university start date gets closer I can’t help thinking about what a disaster it will be if I decide to go. I’m going to struggle for money because I’m having to pay all of the tuition fee myself since they wouldn’t give me a loan for it. I did plan on getting a job as soon as I get there but given how hard it’s been for me to even be considered for an interview over the past 18 months, I wouldn’t hold out too much hope. Then there’s all the other social stuff, I don’t know if I can handle rejection and being a laughing stock to everyone again, I’ve had enough of that at school and work. The course itself is going to be hard, but that’s really the least of my worries.

My life will not be worth living if I can’t get a degree, I’ve already decided that I’m not carrying on living if I can’t go to university now. I cannot stand another year of this, it would be too much. I told someone this, and they said why am I not doing everything I can to get help and go to uni then? The truth is, like I said in my previous post, I truly hate myself and I don’t think that my life is going to turn out any different from the horrible drudgery that it has been for the past 20 years.

Always being alone and unwanted by anyone is a difficult existence. It infuriates me when I hear people say things like “I’ve been single for months now” as if they should be pitied. I have never been loved or found attractive by anyone, I find it hard to pity others when I am fundamentally disgusting and unloveable myself. I’ve never known the happiness of having someone care for me and having someone to care about, I haven’t even ever held a girls hand, let alone kissed anyone. Pretty pathetic for a 23 year old and I doubt things are going to get better, I simply become more of a freak with each passing day.

I don’t want to be saved, and I don’t understand why people insist that I should try to prolong this miserable existence for as long as I can. There is nothing to look forward to except more disappointment. Disappointing my parents with my failures, constant isolation, watching everyone else get on with life and having fun while I just sit here wishing to be dead.

I am a horribly bitter and jealous person now. I feel awful whenever I see people out with friends, and especially couples. It seems as though everyone has at least a little pleasure to look forward too no matter how hard their life is, at least they get to experience friendship and love. I know that I have things a thousand times better than most, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but it is hard to feel happy when that is it. No living person outside my family cares whether I live or die, I have no experience of intimacy or sharing my thoughts with others. Most people would find it hard to imagine not having a single friend in their teenage or adult life so they probably can’t understand how crushing the loneliness is for me. I recently made a poll on an SA forum that I visit, and even compared to other SA sufferers, I am in the extreme minority because I have gone out to places with people (besides family) less than 5 times since I was 13. Someone there even made fun of me because of it, even to other socially anxious people I am a target for mockery because of my social inadequacy.

Tonight might be the night it all ends, I haven’t decided for sure yet. I’ll have to wait until my mum goes out anyway. Time to finish those notes.

*sigh*

I think I’ve just about destroyed my friendship with SM. I sent her an email today because I was feeling especially down and I must have gone too far because she was really annoyed (justifiably, I’m a depressing lunatic). I ended up writing back, apologising profusely and I suggested that maybe it’s for the best if I don’t talk to her any more. I feel like our friendship has fallen apart over the last couple of months anyway. She never wants to talk and only says the barest minimum and all I ever do is complain about how bad I’m feeling.

I asked her not to mention my suicidal ideation to my family, she got mad and said that I made her feel trapped and frightened before and that’s why she told my sister without my permission. I feel just awful for being so horrible and dumping all this on her, even though she said many times that she didn’t mind listening. I don’t know what I want to get of talking about it to people, but I feel a tiny bit of relief from it. It’s not worth making other people feel that bad though.

I am a terrible person.