My mood came spiralling down again this evening, I knew the relief wouldn’t last forever. I had to answer a question yesterday; why did I feel like killing myself. It is virtually impossible for me to answer out loud but I want to try and write down exactly what is wrong and why I am feeling terribly depressed again (though not actively suicidal, don’t worry).
I am extremely lonely. Because of my horrible appearance and incredibly dull personality, I have no friends at all. I’m too socially anxious to try and make any, no-one would want to know me regardless because I don’t like doing anything that normal people consider to be fun. I also have no life experience or any idea how to act around people because I haven’t had a friend since I was 10 years old and have hardly ever left the house in that time either (I’m 23 now).
For the last 18 months I have been rejected over and over again from every single job that I applied for. I wasn’t setting my targets too high, even minimum wage jobs that had no qualification requirements decided that I was not good enough for them. This is probably understandable since I look like I am mentally disabled and am extremely ugly which makes a terrible first impression at interviews, I then go on to make things even worse since I literally shake with fear and can hardly talk properly because I’m so anxious. My ever increasing gap in work history also counts against me.
As I said previously, I am hideously ugly. I was bullied constantly throughout the time I was at secondary school and sixth form (age 11-18 for those not familiar) directly to my face. This was mostly about my appearance, though being clever and quiet also attracted a lot of negative attention as well. At college it took place behind my back which was a welcome relief, but at work it became just as bad as school, except I couldn’t run away from it. I’d dread going into the office every day as the comments would start the second I came in the door.
All the fun and games that come with SA like not being able to make phone calls without psyching myself up for ages before hand and then making a mess of it, and not being able to hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds also make me feel worthless. I can’t be bothered to describe all the ways SA affects me again, suffice to say that it has made my life a misery so far.
I’ve never known what it is like to be found attractive at all. No girl has ever expresses any interest in me, not surprising in the slightest but it still gets me down a lot. 23 years is a long time to have been single and several times a day I am made to feel pathetic and utterly worthless by something people say or something I hear on TV. Maybe this is sounding like an angsty teens livejournal, but I had hoped that by the time I was almost in my mid twenties I’d have had my first kiss.
Everyone that bullied me (mostly those who were supposed to be my friends) is now much more successful than me. I shouldn’t punish myself by looking them up on facebook, it’s hard to see them all with degrees, in relationships and with good jobs while I’m still the same old pathetic, shy loser living with his mum in the same house as when they used to make fun of me all those years ago. I doubt most of them would remember me very often but I can’t help thinking about the mental scars they caused every single day. I used to think that one day I’d be able to look down on them for a change because I’d have turned my potential into a good degree and job, but no I am just an unemployed loser.
Oh well that’s enough for now. Pity I could tell all that to the psychiatrist when she asked what was depressing me.