I got my first decision today, Lincoln made me an unconditional offer 😀 That’s not my first choice but I’d be happy going there if the others don’t work out. Still a few more days or weeks of nail biting to go yet though.
I didn’t decide to go back to university until very late in the application process, the start of May, so consequently I’ve had a bit of a rush on trying to get everything sorted. The biggest delay was waiting for my damn college tutor to write me a reference which took a whole month! (and looks like he wrote it in about 5 minutes during a coffee break).
The main problem I’m facing now is to do with accommodation. I only just got my UCAS welcome letter with my password to check which universities have made me an offer. Because of this, I’m not able to book any accommodation yet since I don’t know whether I’ll get into my first choice and I don’t have the right login details etc.
I’ve seen on the message boards for the second choice uni (that I know I have the grades to get into, the other one is a bit precarious) that all the halls are fully booked now, so I don’t know what I’m going to do if I end up having to go there. I put so much thought into moving out and I’d be massively disappointed if I have to stay at home for another year now. I really wanted to make a new start and change things in my life since I’ve been stagnating at home for so long. I just hope I get an offer soon so I can make the next step.
Although I’m 23 years old I’ve never lived away from my parents before so moving out to live in halls at university is going to be a big step for me. I’m confident that I’ll be able to manage the basics of living but what makes me most nervous is having to live alongside other people who I don’t know.
Even a few months ago I would have been terrified at the prospect but talking through things with my friend SM has given me a lot more confidence. She has SA too and moved very far across the country to go to university and has managed alright. In fact I’d go so far as to say I’d never have seriously considered going back to uni if it wasn’t for her. When she told me about how much she wanted to do the career she has chosen, it reminded me of how passionate I was about computing before the depression and long period of unemployment drained my enthusiasm. I want so much to make something of my life and fulfil the potential I showed as a child and teenager.
I’m looking forward to the opportunity to be around other people my age (or younger as they will mostly be 18 I guess) . It’s been a long time and I’ve hit a wall trying to overcome SA because I don’t have the chance to socialise much even if I could any more since I don’t have any friends nearby and I don’t know how to meet people, but starting university is a time when people are more open to forming new friendships so I’ll feel more comfortable about approaching people.
It is 5 years since I first started at university now. I always had the grades and desire to do well but my anxiety made it impossible to do well at that time. When I dropped out, I felt a sense of relief more than anything else. That was the first time in my life that I had felt genuinely suicidal and I was glad to escape from the trapped feelings that I was experiencing.
Over the last few months though, my unemployment and seeing other acheive things with their lives reawoke the desire for me to get a degree. I think I’d be letting myself down and my parents too if I never gave it a proper go. I don’t want to be stuck in a dead end job, which I can’t even get at the moment, and I don’t have the people skills to do well in customer service like my sister. I don’t look down on people who did not choose an academic path in life but I know that it’s the right thing for me to do.
I was always gifted at school, in all top classes and got the best results for a long time before my anxiety made me start wanting to miss classes. Seeing people who were at my school and much less intelligent than me doing so well in life makes me feel horribly jealous and I know I’ll have messed my life up if I can’t get things back on track soon.
One of my best friends whom I know from the internet has helped me enormously by encouraging me to apply this year and helped me to realise that it is possible to get by alright even if you have SA. It took a long time for me to work up the courage to tell my parents, I was afraid that my mum would try and talk me out of it or undermine my confidence which is very fragile. Luckily they have been supportive though and despite some problems with the financial application because of their dubious marital status, I haven’t ran into too many problems with them.
I had my UCAS form all filled in and ready to submit (it’s all done online now which is a relief, I hated that stupid paper form) but I was waiting over a month for one of my old college tutors to send me a damn reference. That place is still as disorganised as ever. I finally got it this afternoon and sent my form off, so fingers crossed that I get accepted on one of the courses I’ve applied to 😀
I went to see the mental health practitioner for my appointment on Tuesday, as I expected she said that after discussing my case with her supervisors they decided that I should see someone else as she can’t provide me with the help I need. I’ve been referred to a psychotherapist for CBT but it could take 6 months to a year before I can see them.
I don’t know what’s going to happen about my medication, she was even talking about taking me off Citalopram which I don’t really want to do because I think it has helped give my mood a bit of a lift and enabled me to make the little progress that I have this year.
I haven’t written for a long time so I thought I’d post an update on how and what I’m doing. Since I last wrote on here I’ve had my meds increased to 30mg and then 40mg of Citalopram. I feel slightly better in that I’m able to get out of bed and not feel like hiding away all the time, though I still do sometimes.