Year of Nothing

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2014 was probably the least productive year I have ever had. I don’t think I accomplished anything of note and it just seems to have flown by. I remember being in this exact same place a year ago, thinking about how I really need to go back to the doctor if I want anything to change for the better. This time last year I wrote something about worrying that birthday would be my last but the truth is I don’t have the energy or drive to feel like killing myself. I haven’t been able to think about things without being overwhelmed by just how pathetic I am. I don’t even know if it would help if I had anyone to talk to because I am at the stage where I am so embarrassed to say out loud how pathetic I am because it hurts so much to contemplate. If I talked about the reality of my life, there is no way anyone could honestly not think I was a complete loser. At best they could pity me.

I did manage to make one tiny step towards changing things. I decided to ask my sister to help me try and resolve the problem I have been having with doctors. I have found myself yet again slipping through the cracks and not being registered with any GP that I can get to. I decided to try and phone my local GP here even though I hate the phone so much and have been putting this off for over a year and of course no-one answered. I tried calling back several more times but could not get through. In the end I asked my sister to come to the reception with me and try to explain the situation to them. I managed to get a form to re-register (even though I don’t know for sure if this is the right way to be going about it) but ran into more problems because they need to know the name of my previous GP who has subsequently left the practice I was registered at before when I was at university. The whole thing is an administrative nightmare, doubly so when you using the phone is such a difficulty.

I am going to try again to phone up and get an appointment if I can face it tomorrow. Why does everything have to be such a struggle? I hate saying things like that because I know I bring a lot of it on myself, but I am getting so tired of my mental problems making everything such a colossal pain to deal with.

I don’t really know why I am bothering to be honest but I have run out of options. I did manage to turn things around at university and I don’t think it is a coincidence that I coped best when I was taking those antidepressants. It also helped that I wasn’t surrounded by negativity that I have at home though. It’s not that anyone is overtly mean to me but just constant comments and things that make me feel worthless. I need to get out of this house but that requires about a hundred other things to be in place first and this cycle means I am stuck here.

I can’t even write coherently now so I am just going to leave it but I will try to update again soon when I am not so strung out.

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2 thoughts on “Year of Nothing

  1. I know this probably won’t help but I’ve been following your blog for years and have never once thought that you’re a loser, just a prisoner of circumstance. If anyone else had your SA and depression, your genes, and your environment, they’d be exactly the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachael

    Oh wow! So, I have this 10 year journal in which each entry is just below previous year’s entries for that same day of the year. It’s cool because I can see exactly what I wrote on that same say for up to 10 years back.
    Through this I’ve ID’d cycles & patterns.
    My childhood & many other factors did a number on me. For a long time I wanted to die. I had 3 kids with a crappy dad though so I had to stick around for them. I was on every antidepressant on the market off and on. Somehow, it took years, I was able to leave my marriage of 18 years and start anew. I determined that I wanted a new outlook on life. My biggest struggle by far is my dislike, even hatred, of myself – specificly my lack of wit & talent (I’m remarkably unremarkable), my boring looks, my awkwardness, my lack of education, my inability to form friendships, my lack of motivation, etc., etc. I know you know what I mean.
    Anyway, I began listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer (my aunt gave me some CD’s). That helped. She also gave me a book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. That helped more. That led me to Hay House Radio which I listen to daily online to help me not slip back into my extremely negative default mode of thinking – it works! That led me to Anita Morjani’s book, Dying To Be Me. That book was profound for me. Recently I’ve gotten so much help from listening to Abraham-Hicks.
    Honestly, these things not only saved my life but have shown me why it’s woth living. My journal entries prove how far I’ve come in the last 2 years (I’m 43). I still have my days, sometimes several in a row, but they are happening less and less.
    I recommend you give these resources a try. Nothing to lose!
    Hugs!
    Rach

    Liked by 1 person

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