Time keeps on slipping away

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I’m not sure how long I managed to try and stay in the positive (kind of) mindset I wrote about in my last entry but unfortunately it has long since passed. It is clear to me now that the isolation is no good for me at all. I don’t think it is a coincidence that the only time for probably 2 years where I have felt any semblance of self worth was when I got to spend a few hours with some people who I can almost convince myself liked being with me. Last night I was thinking about how the best time of my life was probably from mid 2011 to mid 2012, my final year of university (it is probably no coincidence that this period was a big downturn in the number of posts I wrote here, I tend to only write when I am feeling bad). It was a strange situation because the sociability of my living arrangements had decreased more and more: I started off in the halls of residence, then shared a house with 2 of my flatmates and ended up living on my own. This let me spend time alone when I needed to though, and I still saw my classmates so I wasn’t totally isolated. Compared to most people I was still practically a hermit, but this was the most comfortable I have been.

My current situation is constantly deteriorating. I have always had a decent relationship with my parents despite their ridiculous situation of being separated but still living in the same house. Things have started to get on top of me lately though. I don’t want to badmouth them because it would seem massively ungrateful since they let me live with them but things have begun to get a bit strained. I can’t stand to listen to my mum going on about things she has read in the Daily Mail (for people outside the UK, a hateful newspaper) and making horrible comments about people she works with (too fat, too thin, too lazy, too obsessive. You can’t win). It makes me depressed to think about what she would say about me if I wasn’t her son. I keep spending more time alone in my tiny room whenever we are all in the house. I remember a time when all I wanted more than anything was to be at home but now I cannot wait to escape this place. Sometimes I feel as though I am going through life 10+ years behind schedule.

To put it simply: there’s no way I can see my life getting any better. I know it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things but my birthday is coming up and I remember this time last year how determined I was that I wasn’t going to let the year just slip away into nothingness but that is exactly what has happened. I have achieved nothing in the past two years, they have been a complete waste of time during the part of my life when I should be getting things done.

One of the very few people I have on facebook from the “before time” prior to when I tried to restart my life in 2007/8 is a girl I went to primary school with and we were friends when I was very young but lost touch after we started secondary school. I can quite vividly remember an early time I felt what I would describe now as social anxiety, was when someone told her that I had a crush on her. Anyway, I saw on facebook the other day that she got married. I didn’t feel jealous, I have not even spoken to her in person for over 10 years, but it did hammer home how much my life has diverged from the people I grew up with. When I occasionally see them they look like adults but virtually nothing has changed for me since I was in school.

It is impossible not to feel like there is something irrevocably broken about myself that I can let things go so wrong. I remember when I first started writing the entries in 2007 on another site that I transferred over to here, that one of the main things I was depressed about was how I had missed out on key development in major parts of my life. I am in pretty much the same situation now, 7 years on. I am still the same loser that I was back then except now I don’t even have time on my side. I thought 23 was too old to change things but I was wrong about that. I wish I was that age again. I don’t know how I would do things differently but at least I had time. Now I don’t have that, I don’t have any hope.

My old therapist used to ask “How would you like your life to be different?” or what I would like to change about my life and it used to leave me stumped. You would think that someone so unhappy would have a huge list of things but I could never give concrete answers and I still can’t. Part of it was that I knew what they would do if I could think of something, they’d try and come up with some way of working towards it so I would always be second guessing about what my answers would lead to. If we restrict it to the realm of things that are actually possible, then I can’t really envisage anything that could make things OK. This is my major problem, I would much rather just not be alive than to try and patch up this ridiculous life that I have made for myself.

I sometimes wonder if anyone could be so far gone as me and still manage to turn things around and not want to die. I know there are people with much, much harder lives than me and that I have things extremely easy but they must have some kind of will to fight on that I don’t have. What is the point? If it came down to being as miserable as I was at my first job in order to survive then I would vastly prefer to be dead. Other people might have the comfort of coming home to someone they love or seeing friends but I know that will never be possible for me.

There is nothing for me that would make the awful parts of being alive worth going through.

I apologise for such another rambling and depressing post. I still have not been able to make a doctors appointment, I still have no job and I haven’t spoken to anyone outside my family in any sort of social situation since when I last posted in September. There is not much else for me to report.

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6 thoughts on “Time keeps on slipping away

  1. eleanor

    Hi Nick, I don’t usually comment on things in general, but I do on your posts, as it is like you are speaking about me (how I was). I know I’ve said it before, but you need help. You are ill, not worthless. The right meds and Counsellor/Psychologist will help you turn your life around. It is not too late. I have had depression for 20 years (untreated for 15 years). There weren’t many days when I didn’t think about suicide and I came pretty close to attempting.

    I know exactly how it is to feel worthless and unwanted, to feel like you don’t belong, as if you are from another planet. How it is to not speak to anyone for days, to be ridiculed and ignored and to be made to feel like a freak. You can get better.

    Again, if you need to talk, my ears are open.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Eleanor,
      It’s nice to hear there’s hope for us πŸ™‚
      “I know exactly how it is to feel worthless and unwanted, to feel like you don’t belong, as if you are from another planet. How it is to not speak to anyone for days, to be ridiculed and ignored and to be made to feel like a freak. You can get better. ”
      I could have wrote this, its an awful way to feel and live.
      Vanessa

      Like

      • eleanor

        Hi Vanessa,

        It is an awful way to feel and live. I got “better” (I still have bad days, but nothing like it used to be) through years of therapy and medication.

        It saddens me that other people have to deal with it, too. I hope you and Nick can find a way to get through it.

        Eleanor

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Word. I feel like I could of wrote this, I feel the same. I keep trying to do things (like go back to school) but it scares me to try in case I fail 😦 I hope it gets better for you-keep trying!
    Vanessa
    PS you don’t have to be lonely-drop me an email, I’m happy to talk πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi,
    I’m very similar to you. Living with my Mum for years, mostly a hermit. I know how awful you feel. The power to change lies with us. We’re the only ones who can change our situation, by making small changes every day. It’s working for me. Gradual, but I’m going in the right direction. You have a great blog. It’s great material for me, as we have a lot in common.
    John

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know how you feel. It’s liberating to hear about other people who have social phobia. Thank you for sharing your stories!
    I have a social anxiety blog as well, feel free to visit.
    It’s called

    ablogaboutsocialanxiety.blogspot.com

    Creative name, right? πŸ™‚

    – Matilde

    Liked by 1 person

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