Going Back to the Doctor

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I can’t remember when the last time I made an appointment with my doctor was, it has been years since I went to the GP here where I live. When I was at university I got tired of messing around with the psychiatrist and couldn’t stand dealing with the unhelpful person they used to send to see me (presumably to make sure I wasn’t about to hurt myself) and so worked my usual avoidance magic until I was free of them. The medication I used to take was on a repeat prescription so I managed to get that for a few months without making a doctor’s appointment and I’d stopped taking it by the time came for it to be reviewed. The GP I used to see there had left and after all the different medical staff I’ve had to try and explain my situation to over the years I didn’t fancy going through all of that again with someone else. At any rate, I felt I could get on without the antidepressants by that point and I managed reasonably well.

Lately I have felt like I really need to talk to someone again though. I think I would benefit from being back on the sertraline too, I just hope that it works again, it took a lot of tries to find an antidepressant that made a difference without awful side effects. I don’t want to repeat myself, but I am practically in the exact situation I was in back in 2008 yet again, only this time I am 5 years older and don’t have the chance to escape to university.

It’s been months and I just can’t get myself to overcome the obstacles in the way though. It might seem like I should just make an appointment and go, but it isn’t that simple. I will try to explain what’s stopping me. I realise this will sound crazy but it’s just how my mind works.

  • I will have to let my mum know because she’ll want to know where I’m going and I don’t want her to worry about me. She seems to think I am over the depression but in reality it’s just a lot easier to hide when I don’t have the stresses of uni work or a job but that has to change at some point. If I start working I know I won’t be able to cope alone.
  • Having to explain everything to yet another new GP is very difficult for me to do.
  • I don’t even know if I’m still registered at the doctor’s surgery here. I didn’t tell them I’d registered at the one where I went to university.
  • Making the actual appointment itself. This may seem trivial but using the phone is still something I go to any lengths to avoid. I don’t know if I can do it.
  • Money is very tight and because I’m not on jobseekers allowance (for a multitude of reasons that I have gone into before) I would have to pay for the prescription which I can’t really afford.

I might try and talk to my mum about it but I keep remembering how much she used to get upset about it all before. I don’t think she wants to think of me as someone who needs mental health help. Also considering how much she blames my suicide attempt entirely on the paroxetine I used to take despite me being suicidal for years previously, I don’t think she’s too keen on me taking any sort of antidepressant.

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7 thoughts on “Going Back to the Doctor

  1. eleanor

    Hi,

    Please do go to the Doctor’s. I found meds that worked for me and without them would not be here. I have SA, and know exactly what you are dealing with. All you can do is try to get better day by day. My job really helped me with the SA, just because I had to deal with people. I also have the thing with the phone, so I turn up in person instead, although I know that’s not always practical. Also, counselling helped a great deal, but obviously you need to find the right one. I think you are a good person and I’m rooting for you 🙂

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    • Thank you Eleanor that’s very kind 🙂 I did have good experience with the last meds I was taking, it’s just annoying circumstances that lead me to stop. I’m going to try and sort things out over the next few days.

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  2. Hi Nick, I’ve struggled with SA my whole life and also a lot with depression. Reading your blog about how you went through uni is very inspiring for me because I was never able to stick it out, the SA was so debilitating. Have you thought of seeing a counsellor with a face to face online Skype appointment? It would help get around a lot of the points you listed and you could still get the help you need. Good on you for getting help, it takes a lot of strength to reach out and you are very strong

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    • I hadn’t considered that, I’ll have to see if there are any counsellors I could do that with. I’m sorry you weren’t able to finish uni, it took me a long time to feel up to it after I dropped out the first time. Thanks for your kind comments 🙂

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  3. Hi Nick

    My two cents (if you don’t mind)… I found your site doing research for my own 🙂

    I’ve been struggling with social anxiety my whole life (but never knew it until… well, a week ago). After 31 years I decided to see a Psychologist (it was a tough one – I don’t really believe most of their ideas), but just being there talking about it helped me out.

    I saw my father die in front me when I was 6… since then I was looking after my mother and little brother (or at least I was thinking I was). I was always protecting them, putting their needs first… and pushing mine away.

    Now I’m socially adept (it took a lot of work), but still lonely and someone that can’t make deep connections with people anymore (I’m working on it).

    I would suggest (from own experience anyway) to play open cards with your mom… If you go to the doctor, it means you’re coming from a point of responsibility and power – and people respect that.

    There’s no point in losing any time in your life you could’ve been happy, like I did.

    -J

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    • I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you, that must have been awful. I’m still procrastinating about going back to the doctors unfortunately but I think I’m going to try and get something sorted soon.

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  4. Hi. I’ve social anxyety too ,it is terrible. I Have it since child. I suffer bullyng at school,and in the university. Today i don’t go out of home. My study is stopped. Understand what to do.

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