Same Old

Standard

Recently I checked back in on the SA forums that I used to read regularly and interact with people somewhat more than I had in other online communities where I am mostly just an observer. It’s always strange going back to places you haven’t frequented in a long time, I often feel a strange mix of familiarity sadness because a lot of things don’t change much. There are some people who have been on those forums longer than me (I registered in late 2007), are older than I am and are still stuck in life situations they hate. I don’t want to sound like I’m being down on them because I am very sympathetic to their problems and goodness knows I’ve let things hold me back a hell of a lot, but when I read their posts it’s like looking into my own future and this is what depresses me. It is the reason I stopped going there about 2 years ago. Back then I felt like I had moved on quite a bit from the person I was in 2007/8 – I had a semblance of a life. Now though, it seems as though I’ve slid back into the same old state.

The last few years were very eventful in one way or another. I reached low points for sure but I also had probably my biggest achievement in graduating from university. This was very important to me, although it may not seem like much of a triumph to a lot of people, I found it extremely hard work both academically and emotionally. My graduation ceremony itself was one of the very few times I have been proud of myself and I was happy to be there.

It has been quite a few months since then and in that time I’ve kind of slipped back into depression and withdrawal from life again. For various reasons I haven’t been able to find a job and it’s beginning to feel like I am right back where I was in 2007. There is probably too much on this blog already about how much I hated the job I mercifully had to leave in January 2007. It was genuinely the worst time in my life, I hated the people there that made me feel awful. I hated working afternoons until late at night. I hated the 1hr30 it took for me to get there. There has never been a time when I was more anxious than the months I worked there and I am constantly filled with dread when I read job listings and they remind me of that. It’s hard for most people to find a job in this economy but lots of other things are holding me back even more. Even though I have a degree now I just don’t feel confident in my abilities and I know that there are so many people more knowledgable and better equipped to deal with things than I am.

When I left the place I worked over the last couple of summers, the boss said that I could come back if I wanted to and I did get on OK there (at least compared to the previous job) but I don’t know if I could go back now. It’s been so long since I left uni and I haven’t got anything to show for the last few months, I don’t know if I could face them because I seem like such a failure. Again, I have done the same stupid thing by putting it off for so long until it becomes harder and harder to deal with. I should have known months ago that I would not get a better job and gone back then but now it has dragged on too long.

I’m going to leave it here for now but hopefully I will have another post up soon and won’t leave this site abandoned for months at a time.

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5 thoughts on “Same Old

  1. Life is always testing and pushing our buttons…Sometimes I feel as though I have beat this disorder and other times it sneaks back u on me…But everyday is an opportunity to grow…I have seen major improvements in only 2 years for me…

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  2. PoppyGirl

    Thank you fit your blog. It makes me feel less alone. I’m constantly beating myself up for my social issues. It makes me hate myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. I can’t end it because I have children to think of. But how do I live with it? I’m so lonely yet so afraid of people. I’m a 41 year old single mom & every day I struggle with this. It’s exhausting!!! I’m so tired of it. I keep thinking its going to change but never does. I so envy those at ease in social situations; funny, witty, intelligent, interesting, charming. All the things I am not. I wish there were a support group or something around here; someplace to meet people like me. I feel very alone, misunderstood, & overlooked.
    Ms. Celephane

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  3. I have been a part of different SA forums as well and it has seemed to help me as well….Social anxiety has taken control of my life and it is supporting to hear that I am not alone…I have gotten a it better but I still struggle in social situations…Thanks for this..

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