University Goings On

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I bumped into my project supervisor in the hallway yesterday and he said we need to talk about my project, with which I am woefully behind on the work, and I think he said he would email me or asked me to email him, I can’t exactly remember because I was overcome by anxiety. Anyway I just sent him an email explaining the situation and that I was struggling with earlier work but have made a real effort to try and  catch up, and my attendance is much better this year (I’ve only missed one session since the start of the semester) so hopefully he will be understanding. He’s not a strict person, more one of the younger lecturers who seems to like to communicate with us on our level if you know what I mean. He’s also been made head of my specific course so I’m hoping he’ll have a look over my records from last year and realise I’m not making things up. I did do some project work this weekend but I still have a lot to catch up on.

The classes I was taking before Christmas had very hard assignments but time I have more of a handle on what’s going on and my grades have been alright so far so I’m hoping that I can dedicate more of my time into the project. I say time, but really it’s mental effort that is my problem. I have no real shortage of actual time, it’s not like I’m trying to juggle work with any kind of social life like most people, but honestly most days just making it into university and managing to eat some food is extremely mentally draining on me and I don’t feel up to work. I know that sounds pathetic but those things really take it out of me. When I have days off and I don’t have to worry about going out and getting food, I can work for hours but those days are few and far between.

This is a stupid incident to obsess about, but a few weeks ago I tripped walking down some stairs and hurt my ankle but what concerned me more than that was that people saw me and it must have only added to my appearance as an awkward weirdo. I don’t know if any of you have seen the film A Beautiful Mind, but I feel like the main character in that (besides the hallucinations and mathematical genius haha) in the way that people regard him as an outsider, a strange character that is a source of humour for them. Sadly I don’t have the academic aptitude to make up for that.

I don’t know what the point of this post is really, I’m just feeling a bit down and I kind of miss having the people who used to read and comment here to talk to. I’ve lost contact with almost all my friends from the social anxiety sites and don’t really have anyone to talk to who can relate any more.

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6 thoughts on “University Goings On

  1. Decapitator

    Hello there, I found you blog some time ago and I check it sometimes. It’s weird but I feel that your posts really relate to my life. Keep it up.

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  2. PAC

    Hi,

    not sure if you’re male or female, I just googled social phobic and found this. I got sad at your last paragraph, that’s how it feels hey? We lose our friends, they don’t understand. I just wanted to say hi though and let you know a fellow sufferrer has found your blog and is listening to you 🙂

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    • shawn

      Friends come and go. I can empathize with your feelings of awkwardness or as you called it being weird. But it really isn’t weird. You fell and hurt your ankle and it was an assumption that people would think that you were weird. The difference is mentally tough kids would shuck it off or be embarrassed for a moment. But sensitive people like you and me project our feelings unto others and judge ourselves maybe a little more harshly. When I was at the University I remember my panic feelings of not being cool or liked or smart enough, etc, the abject awkwardness of not being able to click with kids. My family didn’t understand. My friends didn’t understand. I was alone in a world of faces. I had thoughts of suicide. Sometimes it was so bad that I would just sit for hours by a tree by myself to afraid to go to class but to afraid to not try. I was my own worst enemy. I didn’t have control of my feelings or of my mind. So when a situation arose that made me anxious my mind would rush around in panic and I would think people thought I was crazy, on and on. It was a cycle that fed upon itself. I was to immature to know different being 18. I didn’t test my thoughts against reality. I let anxiousness take over at that time. But I had a reference point in my early childhood that was filled with laughter and so I used that point to frame my life to know that another day or time would come when I would laugh and be cool again. I perservered by doing one day at a time. I was so humiliated, so embarrassed, so sensitive to any and all things. It became ridiculious. I was afraid of being afraid. I had to change this thinking or I would self destruct, so I changed. When I was 18 there weren’t many computers, there were only books. So I read a lot but some books were so full of filler. I needed something refined, distilled, where I didn’t have to read all day for little info. I turned to quotes from philiosphers, scientists, and actors and legends of all kinds. I listened to their life stories and used them as a better reference for me. If I can give any advice it would be don’t give in or give up. It does get better. Don’t hate yourself or others for their stupidity. You will fall but if you know you can get up again then why worry. Learn about B vitamins they are great at helping the mind. Learn to control your thoughts. The Tao aphorisims helped me immensly. Read, read, read. I was able to do it you can too. I’ll be celebrating my 50th next month.

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      • I’m sorry you had to go through all that, it must have been so much harder before the internet was around and people can at least talk to others that way. I do like reading philosophical writing and intend to read more now that I’ve finished my computer science degree (just exams to go). Thanks for all the advice.

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  3. Rosie

    Glad to hear you have been doing well and attending uni lots. I know what you mean by feeling like a ‘weird outsider’ (I’m not calling you that, that’s the way I’ve always felt). I have SAD, but am slowly getting better. With a lot of therapy and medication I have come to realise that it is ok to be me. I can make mistakes and I don’t need to beat myself up constantly. I am much happier now due to this realisation and wish for you the same.

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