Retrospective

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2009 wasn’t a good year for me, in fact I’d say it was probably the worst of my life since I was in the institutional torture centre known as school. Obviously the spiralling depression and series of events that led to me finally trying and failing to kill myself in the summer was a particularly low point. I did some things that I should probably be ashamed of if I could feel anything other than hopelessness. I lost most of the few connections I had with other people because I, foolishly in hindsight, wrote to them to let them know what had happened to me. I honestly thought that I wouldn’t be coming back. For months i researched methods and bought hundreds of pills which sat ominously in my drawer while at times I desperately tried to overcome the feelings that death at my own hands was inevitable and that it was the only way to stop the agonising dull pain of living a failed life, wracked with guilt because my own cushy life would be welcomed with open arms by 99% of the worlds population.

10 years ago, I was almost 15 and probably at the height of my psychological bullying and trying to deal with the uniquely fucked up family situation I found myself in and blamed myself for. There was a lot of talk about the future, what with us entering a new millenium (although not strictly true, you pedants) and I somewhat foolishly hoped that the next ten years might bring some changes to the unhappy awkwardness that was my teenage life. It is a thoroughly disheartening thought to realise that not only am I more unhappy than ever, my social skills and any semblance of a “life” are even worse.

I saw the end of a TV programme the other day, some talking head was going on about how teenage girls spend inordinate amounts of time talking and thinking about their first kiss with a boy. It deeply saddens me in many ways because it is a constant reminder of how far I’ve been left behind socially.

This kind of observation usually prompts comments like “life isn’t a race” and so on. This is no consolation because it is usually said by people who have no comprehension of what it’s like to be so isolated and the mental desolation of being consantly alone with no connection to other humans. I recently struggled to explain to some mental health types that I simply cannot fathom the idea that I could ever be in a relationship, it’s unthinkable that I could even have friends. Every single day I am forced to spend around normal people just reinforces further the massive deficiencies in my own personality and I just cannot ever imagine being capable of the basic social skills that are required to get on in the world.

This post has kind of gone off the rails, I apologise. It’s 2.30am and I am sitting here wondering how I am going to be able to carry on the facade, pretending that I don’t wish I had suceeded in killing myself. Not only this but I have to struggle with the increasingly hard university work. I started looking at pills again and got to the checkout stage. I know how I could make it work now, I just can’t let anyone know until the time when I could be “saved” has passed.

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11 thoughts on “Retrospective

  1. Emily

    Please ask one of your friends that ditched you earlier to help you! one of the nicer ones or a stranger, even. multiple strangers to increase the odds. After yesterday, nothing can get any worse for me. After what’s happened to you, it can’t get worse. I want you to fight. I care about you, not to “save” you but I really want you SAVED. WELL. It’s not fair that we give up and not keep fighting. Stupid psychiatrists/therapists/psychologists’ failure shouldn’t be your demise. GO LIVE BE MERRY. maybe move to somewhere that has more sunlight. The world sucks, but there is still awesome out there, just waiting for you to find it.

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  2. Emily

    If you are reading this right now. You have achieved something. You have lived, and that’s the greatest, hugest accomplishment someone with SA AND depression can achieve. Today your victory is being alive.

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  3. Emily

    I did respond to your email. 🙂 by clicking “respond” I don’t know what email that sent to. I really don’t know anything. So I’d like to hear back! I hope today was if not wonderful better than yesterday. Also, I hope that tomorrow is even more awesome. ❤

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  4. Mia

    Hi.
    I don’t know you, but it still kills me to read your doing so horribly. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not being happy in spite of the fact that you have all you need to lead a good life, except a healthy mind. You wouldn’t blame someone ill with cancer for not living the sweet life they otherwise have all the prerequisites to live. You have an illness, and all the wellness in the world wouldn’t have a impact on that. It’s not your fault you have been disabled by this illness. That’s why it’s called an illness, you don’t choose to get it, you just get it.

    I remember reading that you don’t get how some people with social anxiety find themselves capable of having a relationship and all that, and I must say I’ve been thinking the same. It’s like it’s a whole different world, from where I find myself, though they share the same condition. I’m five years younger than you are, and five years ago, I still had hopes that this would pass, that I’ll just grown into the role of a normal functioning human being, but five years past, and no improvement, rather the opposit, and I don’t supposed it will change either.

    It might seem like a bad advise, but I think you should free yourself of some of the pressure you’ve taken on. Like work, school. Maybe just file for support money. Though that might deprive you of the feeling of accomplisment, but maybe you should try writing a book of your story? ‘Cause you write really well. You word yourself in a really good way.

    You shouldn’t feel like you’re being ungrateful for not finding yourself capable of having a normal life, you’re not at fault for that. Would you want others with SA to blame themself? If not, you shouldn’t either.

    I’ve consider writing to you before, but figured I shouldn’t contaminate more lifes with my existence, that my words wouldn’t matter anyway. I still think so, but I guess at this point, at least they can’t make things any worse. I have friends, but it’s not my merit. And I’ve more than once found myself wishing I didn’t have friends, so I didn’t have to poison their lifes with my friendship, but then they insist they want me as a friend, for some unknown reason, and I find myself trapped.

    This probably means nothing to you, and I apologize for rambling. I just wish you’d feel better, and I really wish you wouldn’t feel guilty, ’cause there’s simply no reason you should.

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  5. @Mia
    No need to apologise Mia, thank you for your comments.

    I’m sorry to hear you feel like you haven’t made any improvements either 😦 I know how difficult it can be, but please don’t let me drag you down with my depressing rants.

    I can’t really leave university because I will never get another chance again and I already found out how difficult it was trying to get a job without a degree and things would be even harder now because of the economic situation and the fact that I haven’t worked full-time for 3 years, I would have no chance of surviving. I don’t have anything classified as a disability so couldn’t get any support even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could go through the tortuous interrogation they put you through if you try to claim any kind of benefits here.

    Please don’t think you are contaminating my life or anyone else’s. I know that is probably hypocritical of me to say, but I certainly don’t feel that way about you writing to me.

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  6. Mia

    @Nick

    But you’re dragging yourself through both school and a part time job. I dunno how things are in the UK, but at least I get rehab money (since I’m not old enough for benefits), which is almost 1, 000 pounds a month. I can live fine of that. Although I live at home for the time being. Although I’d not be able to claim those money if I went back to school.

    Social anxiety is very much a disabilty.

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