Letter to my therapist

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I can never answer honestly when he asks “How are you?” and I assume this is one of the rare occasions where an honest answer would actually be appreciated so I finally decided to write something down. I am tired and can’t really think of everything I want to say but I think this captures the essence of it. It should be a fun hour tomorrow 😦

I feel very depressed every day. I don’t look forward to anything, it seems like there is always something to dread about the future, I’m always worrying about something that’s coming up. Life seems pointless, I can’t even do the most basic things like be in the same room as people. I’m scared of being around most people but I don’t know why. I haven’t made a proper meal at my house for the last two weeks, I’m too afraid that I will be trapped in the kitchen when there are people there and I don’t know what to say or how to act and I’m scared of them thinking I’m weird and saying things about me. It makes me feel even more worthless.

I can’t stop thinking about how I want to die. There is no other reason I can think of other than guilt about causing my family pain why I want to live. It occupies my mind for hours each day, I feel terribly guilty that I feel this way but I wish that I had died when I tried to kill myself.

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12 thoughts on “Letter to my therapist

  1. I’m sorry you’re still feeling so badly, Nick.

    Like we chatted about, you have to want change in order to make it happen. Writing this letter and being honest with your therapist is a great start.

    Re: feeling too scared to get a proper meal in your kitchen. Is there any way you can tell your flatmates some of how you feel, perhaps in a letter? There’s a very good chance they will try to help you, so that you don’t feel trapped. Just a thought…

    I hope the therapy session goes well. *hugs*

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  2. *hugs*

    I have written to therapists before and have found it helpful. I think it is a good idea, especially as it can be so so difficult to talk about suicide. I always just answer “okay” to the how are you question, even though it is usually so far from the truth.

    Good luck xx

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  3. Anonymous

    I only just looked up social phobe cause i’m in the beginning of probably 1 of the most stressful points in my life. I’ve seen a psyciatrist and a psycologyst [together] for over 9 years for social phobia. I used to drop to the floor when the phone rang and would hide under furniture if there was a knock on the door. Its the possibilities for me. It could be anyone. Even if it makes -geographically no sense or just comman sense no sense.. it always made sense to me. I’m alot better through the old face your fears bullshit but.. hey it works .. to a point. Right now, wheres the f-ing magic pill that makes my knawing anxiety leave my stomach???

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  4. d.C.

    I understand how you feel about not being able to change your feelings and emotions no matter how simple people’s arguments may be and mostly about how my suicide would have effects on my family and not me! It’s scary to think about the grief you could cause by killing yourself. I also really appreciate your website because I felt so alone after getting this disorder at 19. It’s hard to grasp a concept when the first 19/21 years of your life was awesome and happy.

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