Losing Control

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The past few weeks have been pretty unbearable, I haven’t been able to summon the energy even to complain on this blog. I’ve been feeling completely trapped and hopeless, several times a day I’ve been on the edge of breaking down into tears for reasons that I can’t easily explain.

One thing that’s been causing me considerable anxiety and fear is the group project I’m going to have to do at university which involves me working with randomly chosen people on a project that will last most of the year. The lecturers are making this out to be the most important thing ever, and with each dire warning they give about the importance of communication etc I only become more and more hopeless of being able to cope.

I’m terrified that one day I will break down in class and not be able to continue. I already feel so awful that I cannot face anyone, but even at my house I can’t seem to escape being disturbed by my housemates. I’ve tried explaining to one of them about my anxiety and how I get so stressed out but understandably, she obviously doesn’t realise the extent of my idiocy and how even the slightest thing puts me on edge for hours.

I’ve lost so much weight that my family have noticed and my clothes no longer fit properly, I only managed a proper dinner once last week, the other days I was unable to face the shared kitchen. I can’t stand the people who come round to our house. My housemates boyfriend, D, is now at the university and spends a lot of time at our place. He’s the exact opposite kind of person to me; confident, loud, outgoing, self assured and not afraid of offending people. The other night all of his Halls flatmates came round and woke me up after they’d been out drinking. I was so glad to be in bed away from their hideous shouting and insulting. It was a stark reminder of how much of a misfit I am and how I could never ever be accepted by people and nor do I want to spend time with people like that again. I’ve had enough of that in the past, putting up with being a metaphorical punching bag for their constant insults.

I don’t think I can cope with things, I feel like dropping off the face of the planet. There’s literally no hope for a person like me who cannot handle the easiest of lives.

I spoke to my tutor about the problems I’ve been having and he told me that it would be possible to suspend my studies for a year, but I don’t know whether I’d be able to go back after all that time off, I’m not sure I could manage it. Even more pressing is the financial situation, I only have 2 years (including this year) student support left so I’d have to pay the full amount of fees myself for the 3rd year and I’ve already signed a contract for the rent of this house which I wouldn’t be able to do if I wasn’t receiving my student loan.

There’s nothing I can do, I’ve got to try and muddle through until I fall apart at last.

I’ve become obsessed with finding places to jump from again 😦 I read a news story about some girls who jumped from a bridge in Scotland and tried to find out  how to get to it. I don’t know if I will end up doing that, I really don’t want to take any chances being “saved” this time.

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3 thoughts on “Losing Control

  1. For what it’s worth, I know where you’re coming from. I’m in this nursing program that I’ve come to hate with a passion but I would be saddled with huge student aid fees if I were to drop out now and no chance of a better paying job. Suicide would quite literally sound good except I don’t want to burden my son with that. Not that it will help but if you want to read a little commiseration, feel free.
    http://newstrangeworld.today.com/2009/10/17/nursing-is-essential-so-why-does-it-suck-so-much/

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  2. Hannah

    Hey Nick
    Are you registered with your university’s disability support? If you are, they can send notification to your class tutor explaining the extent of your illness and there will be allowances made to help you complete your course. If you’re not, then you should register asap, they usually just require a letter from your doctor and a short interview for assessment. Whatever way it works out the university will probably do everything in their power to help you complete your studies.

    And now, aside from the practical stuff, hang in there, you can get through this, you can keep going, I know you can.

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  3. @Lily Strange
    I’m sorry you feel that way too Lily 😦 It must be even harder if you have a child to think about.

    @Hannah
    I actually went to see them today, but I don’t know how much they will be able to help me with the course. They are coming up with some kind of document to pass along to my lecturers which requests that they treat any requests for extensions and lack of concentration sympathetically, whatever that means. They also said I could have extra time in exams, but I’d feel like a cheat because exams aren’t really a trigger for my anxiety. I’m much more anxious going out of my room to get a drink than I am sitting an exam :S

    The thing that’s worrying me most is this damn group project, where the thing that’s being assessed is how well you work with others and presenting things. The thought of it makes me nauseous at best and has sent me into a crying mess over the past few weeks.

    Thank you for the vote of confidence, but I’m not sure I deserve it. It’s not long since I was ready to make the steps necessary to end it all and the scars are still here to remind me.

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