Everything I do goes wrong


I honestly cannot express how sorry I am to anyone who reads this site. Please, please believe me when I say that I seriously thought that I was at end of road. On friday or saturday night (I can’t remember what days things happened on) I took 50 amitriptyline tablets and a whole blister pack of diazepam, sent out an email to some people I know but wouldn’t otherwise find out, and thought that was it.

(un)fortunately someone apparently told the police and the next thing I can remember is lying in a hospital bed with my family staring at me.

Nothing I said made sense, even to myself. I was convinced someone had stolen my bag and later on I couldn’t get anyone to acknowledge I existed and told my family that I had thrown a jug of water at some people so  they would look at me. I honestly thought I was dead or invisible.

After a semi-conscious argument with a psychiatrist yesterday, it was decided that I had to stay in hospital. The amount of syringe marks, IV lines (including some bizarre thing in my neck) and general crappy feeling was horrible to say the least. I had several nightmares while I was there and it is still hard for me to figure out what actually happened and what I imagined. I’m still kind a bit out of it so forgive me if this doesn’t make sense.

This morning I managed to convince them to discharge me. I thought it was a few days later than when I took the  pills but found out that it’s been a week. I remember nothing before Friday, its very disconcerting and I am unbelievably  guilty.

I can’t think of anything that could express how sorry I am for all the trouble I’ve caused. The people who cared, to anyone I upset, I’m truly sorry. Please don’t think I did that for attention. I never meant to cause a panic. I’ll write again soon, still not feeling fully clear in my mind.


17 thoughts on “Everything I do goes wrong

  1. Nick I never thought you did it for attention, so I never blamed you for anything. But I am so glad that you’re here posting this, even though you’re feeling worse for wear. I had hoped and felt that you were OK so I’m so glad to read this.


  2. Hey Nick,

    Sigh! What a relief to see your post. You are not alone. I’ve link to your blog from mine because it demonstrated the feeling of acedia. I’ve also linked to some interesting articles in my blog which might help you understand the meaning of acedia, apathy, depression, disengagement etc.

    Please take care of yourself.


  3. I’m just glad you’re still with us, and I certainly don’t personally hold anything against you nor feel like you’ve “cause me trouble”. I wish I could be of help. Feel free to email me anytime ok? About anything at all.



  4. Dan

    I’ve never posted on your blog before, but I’m so glad you’re still here. Reading your ‘GoodBye’ post had a real effect on me.

    Being a very quiet person myself, it almost gave me a kick up the arse. I initiated conversation with a total stranger today – something I wouldn’t normally do. I didn’t get MUCH of a response, but I felt better for trying.

    I hope you start feeling better soon.:)


  5. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that someone did call the police and that you’re still alive.

    And its not that everything you do goes wrong. In this case, I’d say things went right. As in, you were feeling so badly that you thought you knew the answer. But the right answer is to keep on living.

    Nick, there’s so many of us out there in this world that have lived through horrible things. And it doesn’t matter what that thing is – whether its assault, abuse or generally having trouble relating to others.

    We understand. And some of us have already been able to make great strides towards feeling better. Others are still working on it, but they haven’t given up.

    Like Shiv, I don’t hold anything against you or think you’ve caused trouble. I’m just so glad someone found you in time.


  6. My friend (I’d like to think of you that way) its amazing that you survived taking that many pills. Perhaps there is a reason. I didn’t know you before and was saddened by the hopelessness of your previous messages and the inevatibility of your suicide attempt. I was sad that you had died and I hadn’t gotten to know you.
    I know how it is to want to end the ongoing sadness, emptiness and fear. I wish mine would stop. But for what its worth, it’s obvious that people like you and that nobody who cares for you holds this against you. I’m glad you came back and hope that you will find something to live for.
    You seem like a good guy who obviously has a few problems but who the hell doesn’t? I hope you stick around.


  7. Hi Nick,

    I don’t believe that you know me. Perhaps you do as you may have come to my blog. Regardless, I do have some things to say.

    First, I do not know if you read my comment on Catatonic Kid’s blog about knowing if any of this was true. I just wanted to put things in a perspective so maybe people wouldn’t get more upset than they already were. I did not want to, in any way, sound insensitive.

    Second, (well, this really should be my first point!) I am so glad that you are alright.

    Third, I know it is difficult, but try not to be hard on yourself now. I am not saying this from some lofty pulpit, attempting to sound “preachy.” I am saying this because I have been where you are now. I have left telephone calls as opposed to emails to people. I have felt such incredible guilt afterward. It’s like, as if I couldn’t stand myself before I attempted suicide, how much worse do I feel now? So, yes. I understand.

    I also understand what it feels like to be hooked up to a machine, some tubes, waking up confused and saying to myself, “What’s going on? What is all this about?”

    So, take some time to just try and accept that this happened but also know that it is over now. It will be difficult, I am sure, but it is alright. Most importantly, you are alright. In all reality, sometimes it feels like it really is too much for all of us. We have mental illnesses etc… that makes life so challenging at times.

    Seek out as much support as you can. And yes, try as hard as it may be when in crisis, to not make any further attempts.

    Take care and my best to you,


  8. DH

    Hello Nick

    What a relief that you are still here. Maybe you are meant to live after all. Don’t feel bad or guilty about your situation and take care.


  9. la

    Hey Nick, I think in this case it went right. You’re an important addition to the world, to your family and the people who love you therewould be no world without you. So stay with us, OK? You and I haven’t always seen eye to eye, I know, but we’re connected, just like you’re connected to every person who has commented here. You’re not alone, Nick. I really hope things get easier for you, or just… less hard. Wishing you all the best x


  10. Jaz

    Hi Nick,

    You’re not those bad things that you think about yourself and I just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts.

    Life just seems too hard sometimes – don’t blame yourself for that.

    Take care; and I do hope you are able to find more help from those around you. You need it and deserve it. x


  11. I’m so, so glad you’re okay. I used to comment here many moons ago under a different name, and somehow managed to stumble across you again. I remember you as a lovely guy, and hopefully will have the chance to get to know you again! Take care xx


  12. Good old amitripyline. My drug of choice. I’m very sorry, Nick, that you had to go through that. I know EXACTLY how you feel because I’ve done this numerous times myself and ended up in Intensive Care with a Ventilator stuck down my throat. It’s a serious drug, with serious consequences. Please do take care of yourself. It’s frightening and confusing, but the drug will wear off and I hope you never try that again.


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