Failure

Standard

I saw the CBT guy again yesterday, we went through the standard stuff that I’ve read a million times about how thoughts and behaviour influence emotions etc and he gave me a mood diary to fill in once an hour for a week. Unfortunately it only has one square for 12pm-6am which is when most of my low mood occurs…  He also informed me that I have a psychiatrist appointment at Lincoln on Friday, I never got a letter about this so had to ask for the day off work on extremely short notice which started the afternoon off with me feeling anxious. Also my therapist is going on leave for 3 weeks so I’m on my own again (with the crisis team to call in case of emergencies, ugh). It seems like I never, ever get any kind of continuity. I hardly even get to see the same person twice. I’ve literally had over 6 GPs in the past 2 years, 5 different psychiatrists, 2 therapists, about 10 million crisis team busybodies. I hate to make excuses but having the condition that I do makes it very hard to explain everything to people. Every single time I have felt like I’ve adequately got my points across I get shunted off to someone else and have to start from the beginning again 😦

My mum and her boyfriend (they both work in schools) have finished for the summer holidays now and they’re going away for a week starting this weekend. I’ve been constantly overcome by thoughts of how this would be the ideal opportunity to get things over with without the chance of being discovered. I am a complete failure. No matter what people say to me, I still can’t find comfort in anything except wanting and planning my own death. I’m worthless even by the standards of mental people. I had to fill in a questionnaire and circle which statements I agreed with most. It said things like “I enjoy spending time with people” “I don’t enjoy spending time with people as much as I used to” well I never spend time with anyone because I don’t know anyone, and I haven’t since I was about 11. There was one about sex 🙄 how can I answer that when the idea of anyone ever finding me attractive is completely ludicrous, I’m 24 and it’s pretty obvious if that has never happened so far then it’s not going to. It asked something about whether you fell worse about your appearance than you used to; I’ve never felt anything but completely ugly. I don’t know how these tests can determine anything about your mental health or level of depression if you actually are a complete failure like me. Sure, I feel like crap and if I’m constantly obsessed with thoughts of suicide then it’s a pretty safe bet to say I am depressed, but this thing was obviously designed for normal people who are affected by depression, not utter fuck ups like me.

The diary thing makes you list your activities each hour and he wants me to rate my mood from 0-10. The handout says that people rarely do “nothing” even though it feels like it and are probably more active than they think which is why it’s important to have a record of it. Well mine makes depressing reading so far, I really do “do nothing” for most of the day. Half my waking hours are spent lying sleepless in bed or mindlessly browsing the internet. I don’t have any friends or anywhere to go, I don’t have any hobbies or activities and there is nothing around where I live except houses and a school. Nothing gives me any pleasure or enjoyment, all that takes away the pain is thinking about how it could soon all be over.

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34 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Valentina

    Nick, has anyone ever mentioned that you might have developed avoidant personality disorder instead of just social phobia?

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  2. Sakeenah

    Hi Nick, i hope you can get through the week without people around, try to busy your mind with something else even if just for 5 minutes at a time. I used to suffer terribly from anxiety and depression to the point of developing phobias to avoid going certain places. a combo of things have helped me one being improving physical health. have you ever tried taking a B vitamin complex at a strength made for mental health? Well i just wanted to leave a note and let you know you are not a complete misfit, what you are going through is a very human thing and your not the only one.

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  3. @Valentina
    Yes, that is in my notes made by the psychiatrist I saw in my home town a few times. I’m not sure it fits though.

    @Sakeenah
    Thanks Sakeenah. Coincidentally I just started taking a vitamin B complex last week, partly because I don’t eat red meat so am probably B12 deficient. I’m afraid I am a misfit though, nobody here (in real life, I mean) likes me or wants to be around me and why should they? Who wants to be friends with a self loathing, suicidal maniac?

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  4. Sakeenah

    do you eat fish at all? this could help especially salmon with the omega 3s. of course just getting your physical self in line isn’t the only answer mental, spiritual well being all takes a beating in depression.
    Pardon, I did not see or understand your atheism symbol before on your blog. do you consider this part of your spiritual self? sorry i know with most personal belief or disbelief in the existence of the Creator can be a touchy subject but you are posting it and linking to it so i just thought its ok to ask

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  5. @Sakeenah
    I eat fish sometimes, not very often. I agree with you, physical health is important as well what’s going on in your head and I probably neglect that aspect too much. I have started exercising more (even if it’s only a mile walk each day) and taking the B vitamins so hopefully that will help. Don’t worry about asking me anything, yes I consider myself an atheist, whether that’s part of a person’s spiritual self, I do not know but I don’t believe in the supernatural.

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  6. Hannah

    Hey, I’d just written you a nice long comment but then I lost it! Stupid internet!

    That diary thing sounds really frustrating but I guess just be completely honest, if you spend an hour staring at the wall write that down and if you spend a few hours on the internet then write that (I spend hours on the internet doing stupid stuff).

    I think as you say that continuity of care is a bit of a problem, it is really hard to have to explain things over and over again, maybe that’s something you could raise with the CBT guy, that you think continuity of care could help? I think it is important.

    One last thing, you are not failure. You have a horrible illness and unfortunately part of having an illness is that you have to deal with the consequences and that does not make you a failure. Look at how you interacted with your housemates, you did have difficult times but you had other times when you talked to them, hung out with them and were able to eat in front of them. Two of the girls even asked you to live with them next year sure and honestly people don’t ask others to live with them if they don’t want to live with them, choosing who to live with is a big deal. You’ve improved a lot and made some big steps but you’re so hard on yourself, maybe you should tell your CBT guy that you’re incredibly hard on yourself!

    I’ll be thinking of you, take care.

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  7. @Hannah
    It is frustrating and I’ve not been able to fill it in on the actual days when I’ve been feeling bad (almost all..) so it’s probably going to be no good. Honestly, most of it is either “asleep” or “browsing web”.

    I might mention about explaining things over and over being hard if I’m still around for my next session. I don’t want to keep posting about it because I’m beginning to feel like the boy who cried wolf, but I am in deep suicidal territory again. I don’t want to be stopped though, that’s the thing. I don’t want to call the crisis team or throw my pills away because it’s like putting a plaster on a severed artery. I realised the other night that all my moaning and complaining isn’t me looking for someone to give me a solution, I find myself refuting every possible reason people give me not to do it, but I am looking for validation for feeling the way I do. I think subconsciously I just want somebody to agree with me and say that I am right in doing myself in. I can’t see any logical or feel any emotional reason other than guilt why I shouldn’t kill myself. In the grand scheme of things, is guilt a good enough reason to live through misery?

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  8. I lived through a year of hell–depression the worst I’ve ever felt and anxiety so bad that I often couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. Every single day I had uncontrollable thoughts of putting a gun to my head but guilt stopped me too. My dad was sick with cancer and I hated the thought of him having to deal with my death during his last days. And then my cousin was getting married and I didn’t want to ruin her memories by killing myself. And things like that kept coming up and I just couldn’t do it. At the time I was trying to look for a job and was having a hard time with it–part of the reason I needed a job was to get health insurance to get help for myself. Finally, right when I thought I couldn’t take it any more I got a job. Getting that job probably saved my life.

    During that entire year I could not even imagine ever being happy again, let along the growth I’ve gone through since then and who am today. It seemed like that hell would last forever.

    I sincerely believe that each person is here to serve a purpose. The universe put you in existence for a reason and that is to share yourself with others. I know what it’s like to be brainwashed with depression and I wish there was a way that I could help undo it.

    I’d like to see about sending a book or two your way if your interested. I can suggest some books that have helped me or if there’s one you want just let me know. I’ll pay for it, including shipping. If you’re interested then please contact me.

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  9. Sakeenah

    Hi Nick, I hope for the best for you and hope my comments dont do any harm. I dont think anyone will agree with you that suicide is a good answer. Im sure everyone agrees getting beyond these terrible feelings is the first part of your solution. of course i’m no expert but it seems to me that part of your problem is that you are convinced you will never be anything but miserable in this life. How can you be so sure that death is going to be different than this? you were brought into life without awareness from yourself or any say so what would make you think you would have control over what happens in the next life? Death is pretty final after all, at least while you are living you have a chance to work towards feeling better. im sorry im not mocking you i have felt pretty close to the edge myself so i understand where you are coming from, sharing some of my thoughts from then

    You made it through the week of no one being in the house and only have 2 left to go before your therapist comes back, thats great. please try to stick it out, keep filling out the diary even if you have nothing new to write, maybe try adding one positive thing and try to make it a habit, like a 15 minute walk outside. are there any site where you can read ppls stories who have the same condition and have gotten better?

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  10. @Sakeenah
    You haven’t done any harm, please don’t worry. Getting beyond these feelings is not something that will be the answer. That won’t make me any less of a completely awful person or magically give me a personality and stop me from looking like a monster.

    There is no way I won’t be miserable, it is a symptom of my circumstances which are unchangeable without the aid of a time machine. “I” won’t exist after I’m dead so I don’t care about that. There is no next life.

    My mum and her boyfriend changed their plans and haven’t gone away yet so I haven’t had the chance to be alone. What is the point of sticking it out, really? The world would seriously be a better place without me. There is no site I know of where anyone was as bad as me and got better. I have seen some people on social anxiety forums who say they got better but they were never so serious as me. For example, the ones I have seen actually had friends but were too scared to be around them, and I’ve seen pictures and none of them were so horribly ugly as me.

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  11. Valentina

    Nick,
    I don’t mean to be direct, but what about this…
    Do you think there are people in the world who are more awful than you?
    Are there people with less personality?
    Are there people less attractive?
    I bet the answer to all three is yes. Do they all feel as badly about themselves as you? I doubt it. Your mind is not right at the moment and it is colouring all of your thoughts. You might know it rationally and not believe it, but it’s true. You can’t see it because you’re on the inside looking out. If you could just get to the outside looking in, the thoughts would disappear.

    I don’t know how to tell you to do that. Most depressive episodes eventually resolve themselves but you have that combined with the social anxiety and they feed on each other.

    I was just wondering a few things… have you always lived in the same place? Have you ever traveled beyond the UK? Do you think you could ever do that? I just wonder if you need some sort of jarring life experience to totally change your focus. I know you have university to deal with, and money to deal with, as we all do… it’s just a thought. I know for myself sometimes you just get so stuck in a rut that you can’t see the way out until you take a few steps…

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  12. Valentina

    And one more thing… 24… or 25, not sure how old you are now… is really not that old in the grand scheme of things. You may think it’s too late for you, but you have so much time…

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  13. Be as direct as you want, Valentina. Please, I appreciate any advice.

    I don’t know what you mean by awful but I think I am probably one of the most spoiled, overprivileged wastes of life there is.
    There are some people less attractive. I doubt there is anyone with less personality unless they are severely brain damaged or have been kept in a dungeon somewhere. They probably do feel as badly about themselves as me because hundreds of people kill themselves every day.

    I realise depression is colouring my thoughts but you can’t argue with the facts that are plain to see. I have never lied on this site, the fact is that I am a loathsome person. Alone, no friends, always unloved and constantly insulted and bullied for being hideous.

    No I have lived in several places. I’ve been to France once.

    24 is too late to start a life from scratch when you are a disgusting freak.

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  14. You think you have no personality. I at one time thought I had no personality. It is not that you don’t have a personality, it is that you feel you have nothing to offer to other people.

    A technique I used was creating how I wanted to feel inside. Confidence does not come from no where. You have to create it within you first. If you want to find your inner rock star then imagine what that would be like and then imagine that is what you are.

    First step: imagine what you want to be.

    Second step: BELIEVE that you have it somewhere within you!

    Third step: Fake it until you make it. Practicing your new belief will feel fake at first. That is normal. Just keep doing it.

    What have you got to lose by trying this?

    Valentina is right. 24 is not too old to get your life together Nick. This is extremely warped thinking. At the very least please realize the unreasonableness of thinking this way.

    Do you realize that those same beliefs determine ME as a complete failure? At 24 I was still going to community college part time. I already told you before that I didn’t graduate until my 30s. Does that make me an awful person? No, and it doesn’t make you awful either. Do I feel like a failure? Hell no. Because I know no matter what I do in life, how I feel about myself is MY choice.

    This is YOUR life. Take as much time as you need to get your life in order.

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  15. Hannah

    Hey Nick, how are you doing? I know health professionals can be totally useless but I really think you need to go see your CBT guy and tell me exactly what you’re writing here, you could even print out what you’ve wrote and just give it to them to read if it’s too difficult to tell him, but please do it in some way. You deserve the help. And 24 is in no way too late for a fresh start, you’ve already made steps forward by being at university and talking to people there. Remember that, please.

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  16. Valentina

    I used the word awful because you had used it in one of your comments – I wasn’t sure what you meant by it.

    I guess I just don’t get why you think you are loathesome and disgusting? Is it because of what you think other people are thinking? I don’t see how you could be so terrible in real life and be the person that you are on this site. I still haven’t seen anything that you’ve written that shows me what you do that is so terrible. You said at work they mocked you a bit for being quiet – is that really so awful?

    You once wrote on this site that you’d like to write a book, about your life, and what you think you could have done differently. I would like to read that book and I bet others would to.

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  17. Nick

    @Valentina
    Sorry if I sounded hostile, I didn’t mean it like that 😦 I am awful because I had an easy ride in life, I was lucky to be born into privileged circumstances compared to 99% of people who’ve ever lived. I don’t have any reason to have messed things up so badly, I’m just a useless moron. I am physically disgusting and I have done nothing worthwhile with my life, which is why I think I am so loathsome. It’s not just what I think people think, it’s what their actions and words say. I know I’m a waste of space and I am constantly reminded of that fact.

    I can’t remember saying about that book but I am embarrassed that I ever posted that. I don’t know why you’d want to read such self pitying, self indulgent nonsense. I have led the most boring life possible, never lived a single day as a real person. I am just a child in a mans body and I hate myself even more than others hate me.

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  18. @Hannah
    I’m not doing very well unfortunately 😦 I was going to email you but I saw on your blog that you seemed to be doing a little better and didn’t want to bring you down. I feel suicidal all the time, it’s worse at night and I keep having to stop myself from taking the pills (because I’m not properly prepared). I wrote a note to my parents and have emails to the people I know online sitting in the drafts box ready to send. I honestly cannot see any reason why I should want to live any more.

    My CBT therapist is away for another 2 weeks I’m afraid. I don’t think I could print this off anyway in case it raises further questions and he ends up finding it or something. What can they possibly do anyway? This is a rhetorical question, I don’t expect you or anyone to have all the answers.

    This could probably be a separate post but I’m fed up of writing about suicide and I’m sure everyone is fed up of reading it. It dominates my mind though. Every hour of every day. I don’t think I really deserve any help if I’m just going to do myself in anyway. There are other people far more deserving, people who haven’t wasted their life.

    24 is too late to start living. I won’t be 24 when I could even begin to start anyway, I’m miles away from being a normal person. I don’t have the social skills of a 12 year old and it is too late to learn now. I’m far too repulsive both in appearance and (lack of) personality anyway, nobody has or will want to know me regardless.

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  19. Valentina

    It’s okay I didn’t take it as hostile 🙂 I remember at one time in my life when I went through depression I commented to someone that I had no right to feel that way when there were people in the world starving, people with real problems. That person set me straight, he said that we all have our own problems and none are bigger or smaller than anyone else’s. I remember at the time it made me feel better.

    For me the only road out was finding a goal and walking the narrow tightrope towards it. At times it felt like I was barely holding on and could fall at any moment, but I kept going. Is there anything that you can look forward to? Do you have plans for school next year? Is there anyone that you could make plans to see?

    Have the counselors ever suggested that you could take social skills training? As far as I know those are things that you can learn, and a 24 year old is going to learn much faster than a 12 year old. Like everything in life it’s going to take practice.

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  20. PJ

    Sweetie,

    Look at the number of people who’re so determined to help you. I’ve never had that many people who offered me help like this.

    Help them help you alright?

    Having physical friends don’t mean that much vis-a-vis the spiritual bonding you have with the people in your life, virtual or not.

    I miss talking to you.

    Thinking about you everyday as usual. 🙂

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  21. @Valentina
    I don’t have any plans, I can’t think about anything like that because it’s all useless. Nobody wants to see me and I don’t want anybody to see me. I’m tired of being such a loser, tired of having to attempt to hide everything. I don’t care about anything any more.

    No, nobody has suggested social skills training, I don’t think it is possible to train someone to be normal though. It’s too late for me.

    @PJ
    I’m sorry PJ. I don’t know why people care, they shouldn’t waste their time and energy. I can’t be helped, it’s too late for that,

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  22. Jay

    Hi Nick my name is J. I to also have Social Anxiety phobia. I have suffered from it since i was about 13 and i am now 23 years old. I have never been able to do “normal” things! I don’t go clubbing at all only ever been twice in my life but i would love to go so much. I passed my driving test 7 months ago but have only drove 5 times because of the fear i go through thinking i may have to drive. Taken the driving lessons was horrible i would worry 3 days in advance. I don’t have many friends because i don’t want to do things in case it puts me at center of attention or people have negative thoughts about me. It has stopped me from ever progressing in jobs and also I have been walked over by people due to this phobia. I saw a doctor about two months ago and was put onto beta blockers which i will add were rubbish. I now have to go for CBT but i feel like this is not going to work but i want it to so badly. I am starting to feel more and more down everyday i just want to do normal things.

    I want to be able to go to the park with my son or take him swimming but I cant! It’s good that you are aiming for a degree. Seriously keep it up. When i feel really down i will go out into the garden look into the sky and take a deep breath and realise there is a HUGE world out there to be explored and when i get better i AM going to explore and enjoy it!!

    Your not the only one who feels the way you do, so just remember mate your not on your own 🙂

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  23. @Jay
    I think you do yourself injustice, Jay. You managed to learn how to drive, you have a son which I assume means you aren’t completely repellant to women. That’s far more than a loser like me could say. I’m sorry to hear you are feeling more and more down 😦 It sucks, but please try to realise that you aren’t a lost cause like some people (including me).

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  24. Jay

    Nick what makes you feel like you are a lost cause? You also do yourself injustice because you are working towards a degree which means you have a education to a good level! I on the other hand have no education but this is my own fault. I to feel like at the age of 23 it’s to late to get an education now. I am also on job seekers at this time. Yes i have a girlfriend and a child but in the past 7 years I have taken her out ONCE. We have split up numerous times and she has been with other people which I cannot blame her for because with me she has no life.

    I hear to talking about suicide by all means DONT do it!! Think of the people you will leave behind, think of the hurt you will put them through. I know we can both get better but I will admit it is so hard!!

    I hope you feel better soon mate!

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  25. I’ve wrote about 10,000 words why I am a lost cause on this website, I don’t expect you to read it all though. Maybe I should write a bullet point list to show people. I’m sorry but I just don’t have the energy to go into it in huge detail now. I am working towards a degree but there is no guarantee I will get it, I have dropped out once already and I’m 5 years behind everyone else. I don’t have any decent work experience, never had a job for more than a few months and I’m 24. I don’t have any friends and I haven’t had any since I was a child. I’m hideously ugly with no chance of changing that. I’m disgusting and couldn’t be more unattractive if I tried, obviously I have never had a girlfriend. I can’t talk to people, even at my temporary job I am already getting insulted to my face and behind my back. I’m just useless at everything you need to live. There is no way I can survive in the real world, I can’t hide forever and I don’t want to live in pain every day with nothing to make up for that.

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  26. Rachel

    Hi. I’m Rachel, and I’m in my late (ish) teens. This means I’m not going to give you some wise ‘I’ve been there and gotten over it’ speech. I’m not sure a comment like that would really help you, anyway. I mean… I was depressed, and I did get over it, but my depression was a bit different than yours. Until recently I didn’t think I had an anxiety disorder. I went to two of my mom’s psychiatrists and one tried to convince me that I have ADD (which I don’t), and the other thought I should look up anxiety on Google. Long story short, I have most of the symptoms and triggers for Social Anxiety Disorder. From what I can tell, I think the Social Anxiety caused my depression.

    I’ve read some of your posts, and I think some of your points are valid. Thinking that psychologists don’t really believe you’re very depressed unless you hurt yourself could be true. The first question both psychiatrists asked me was “how do you know you were depressed?” I actually did hurt myself, so I’m pretty sure I was depressed. If I wasn’t, then I know that I was messed up in the head somehow. Not that I was able to tell either of them this. When I really was depressed, I wanted help. I tried once to ask my mom for help, but the words wouldn’t come. She is depressed herself, so I knew she would understand. The problem was that she also thought (and still thinks) that she is a terrible mother. I feared that telling her how messed up I was would only validate her bad feelings towards herself. A year after I stopped cutting (when it turned out that, because of a change in sophomore and junior gym, I had to take another quarter of swimming) I had no choice but to tell her. I tried for literally over three hours to tell her, and then chickened out. I had to write a note telling her instead.
    I think the fact alone that you can ask for help makes you brave. I don’t think I could tell anyone even if I slipped back into depression. It should also be known that, while I got over the worst of it, I still don’t love myself, and bad things still happen to me. Now I just repress things, which I admit isn’t healthy, but whatever gets me through the day. I repressed things before, but now I do so to the point of utter denial. Dad has cancer? Ignore it and it may go away. I know it won’t, but if I actually try to deal with it I’ll start to shut down. My dad still doesn’t know about the cutting, and now would be the worst time to tell him.

    I also still hate myself physically. The only trait I like about myself is my eyes. I have a love-hate relationship with my hair, but I hate every other part of my body. You most likely don’t look as bad as you think you do. Even if you did (which I still highly doubt), girls are more willing to be with a guy who isn’t the hottest thing on the block. Guys, even those who aren’t hot themselves, tend to want nothing short of a Victoria’s Secret model. Even if I was skinny (which I’m not) I wouldn’t look like that. In case you can’t tell, I have no self esteem. This is, I think, where most of my Social Anxiety comes from. I tend to think along the lines of I’m ugly; I shouldn’t subject people to being around me. I know this isn’t true, but negative thinking is an extremely hard cycle to break. I also haven’t been on any drugs for the depression or anxiety, so that may be why I still hate myself. I will refuse till the end to go on drugs. My physician gave me Adderall when I was fourteen because I might have had ADD (what she really wanted was for me to lose weight). That was when the cutting started. I will never trust medication again.

    Instead, I’ve created my own form of escapism. I read, write, watch TV and movies, and listen to music. Pretty much anything that helps me be someone else for a few hours. As for you not having any experience with girls, I’m kind of relieved to know that someone out there has as little experience with girls as I do with guys. Not to say I’m happy that you’re so depressed (I really, truly, am not, and—if I were religious and believed in such counterintuitive things as prayers—I’d pray for you to get better, I’ll try sending positive vibes your way instead), but I’m starting to think there might be more people who’ve always been alone than I thought. Even so, I’ll probably (if I ever end up with anybody) end up with someone who’s either unattractive, or as broken as I am. Someone who hasn’t been broken wouldn’t understand what I’ve been through.

    Now I feel like I’m throwing a pity party. Sorry about that. I’m not sure if my post will help you in any way (since too much of it is about my own bad experiences), but I hope it makes you feel a little better to know that your blog has helped me feel better about myself.

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  27. @Valentina
    Well there are people who are worse at social interaction than me then :S I don’t think that is my problem specifically, I have talked to girls before and the only people who I could sort of call friends are girls. The problem I have is that I genuinely am extremely unattractive and have nothing to offer. I doubt girls are falling over themselves to be with someone who is hideously ugly, a 24 year old student with no proper job, self loathing to the extreme and lost the will to live etc etc. It was interesting, if depressing 😦

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