Time is running out

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Things feel like they’re crumbling. I have to pay for my uni fees again this year and I’m almost financially tapped out. Unless I can open another student bank account with an overdraft, I’m going to struggle to make rent. I’ve been hunting around for things to sell on eBay and for a job, but just looking at my C.V. reminds me of what a complete loser I am. 24 and only 4 months of real work experience and almost a years worth of unemployment. I’m going to be straight to the bottom of the pile/bin for whatever I apply for, especially in today’s economic climate.
The more I am forced to think about real life the more I realise I can’t cope with it. I’m just too weak, mentally. Some people say they over analyse things, but I do this so much and to such an almost psychotic level that it stops me from doing almost everything. I can’t even think about doing things because I don’t want to consider how badly I’d screw them up.
Everything from what clothes to wear to how I walk, what my facial expression looks like is a pain that drives me crazy. Can you imagine someone that is thirsty but daren’t go in a cafe to buy a drink because they have some malformed idea about not being “good enough” to go in a place like that? That’s what I’m like. I can’t even explain it properly, my brain is just broken.
I remember a shop that I wanted to go in a while back when I was at college. I used to walk by every day but I could never get the “courage” (it seems ridiculous using that word in this way) to actually go in there. I take self consciousness to an extreme new level, I’m honestly amazed I can go outside at all. I barely did for about a year but being inside gets too boring and mind numbing.
How is such a messed up individual supposed to cope with the world? I started listening to the audio series on overcoming social anxiety by Dr Richards, and he introduces himself as a former sufferer of SA and how he used to be scared to go to the mail box in case his neighbours saw him and talked to him. I can relate to this somewhat, but then he goes on to talk about how anxious his job as a high school teacher made him. This is the problem I always find, it seems like everyone always has at least some normality about them. How do you get a job like that if you are as bad as me? When I talk to other people with SA it’s always the same story. The line that consistently makes my eyes roll is when people say “I’ve got no friends except my boy/girlfriend”. Well how the fuck do they manage that but not be able to make a regular friend?
I just have too much wrong with me and I’ve been to lazy and scared to fix things when it was possible. I don’t care what people say, 24 is too late to start a life from scratch. I’m a fucking write-off.

Things feel like they’re crumbling. I have to pay for my uni fees again this year and I’m almost financially tapped out. Unless I can open another student bank account with an overdraft, I’m going to struggle to make rent. I’ve been hunting around for things to sell on eBay and for a job, but just looking at my C.V. reminds me of what a complete loser I am. 24 and only 4 months of real work experience and almost a years worth of unemployment. I’m going to be straight to the bottom of the pile/bin for whatever I apply for, especially in today’s economic climate.

The more I am forced to think about real life the more I realise I can’t cope with it. I’m just too weak, mentally. Some people say they over analyse things, but I do this so much and to such an almost psychotic level that it stops me from doing almost everything. I can’t even think about doing things because I don’t want to consider how badly I’d screw them up.

Everything from what clothes to wear to how I walk, what my facial expression looks like is a pain that drives me crazy. Can you imagine someone that is thirsty but daren’t go in a cafe to buy a drink because they have some malformed idea about not being “good enough” to go in a place like that? That’s what I’m like. I can’t even explain it properly, my brain is just broken.

I remember a shop that I wanted to go in a while back when I was at college. I used to walk by every day but I could never get the “courage” (it seems ridiculous using that word in this way) to actually go in there. I take self consciousness to an extreme new level, I’m honestly amazed I can go outside at all. I barely did for about a year but being inside gets too boring and mind numbing.

How is such a messed up individual supposed to cope with the world? I started listening to the audio series on overcoming social anxiety by Dr Richards, and he introduces himself as a former sufferer of SA and how he used to be scared to go to the mail box in case his neighbours saw him and talked to him. I can relate to this somewhat, but then he goes on to talk about how anxious his job as a high school teacher made him. This is the problem I always find, it seems like everyone always has at least some normality about them. How do you get a job like that if you are as bad as me? When I talk to other people with SA it’s always the same story. The line that consistently makes my eyes roll is when people say “I’ve got no friends except my boy/girlfriend”. Well how the fuck do they manage that but not be able to make a regular friend?

I just have too much wrong with me and I’ve been to lazy and scared to fix things when it was possible. I don’t care what people say, 24 is too late to start a life from scratch. I’m a fucking write-off.

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5 thoughts on “Time is running out

  1. Someone Is Here

    “I can relate to this somewhat, but then he goes on to talk about how anxious his job as a high school teacher made him. This is the problem I always find, it seems like everyone always has at least some normality about them. How do you get a job like that if you are as bad as me? When I talk to other people with SA it’s always the same story. The line that consistently makes my eyes roll is when people say “I’ve got no friends except my boy/girlfriend”. Well how the fuck do they manage that but not be able to make a regular friend?”

    You’re not alone.

    I’m 26. I’ve been unemployed for the past two years, and I have zero qualifications (failed college when I was 17, never even went to Uni). What work experience I DO have is completely worthless in any kind of professional field; I know how to collect orders and sweep floors in a warehouse environment.

    As for the friends thing. I have three people who I’ve been fortunate to meet online over the past couple of years. But the chances of ever meeting with these people IRL is zero. Never dated, never had a GF either.

    Enough about me, anyway. I wish there was something I could say that would be useful to you. Unfortunately, being in more or less the same boat as you, I just don’t have the words 😦

    Like

  2. Stacy

    Hey, Nick….. the only thing i can say that ever kept me going or not making more attempts or whatever was kind of giving myself a cut off age of if things don’t change in any way and i’m not happier with my life to pull the plug then. But at the same time i struggle with this alot because i truly don’t enjoy life now, i don’t enjoy struggling to do basic things, and living a life where everybody seems to have a different fix or advice for things but they never work. Hope i was some help, although i probably wasn’t…

    Like

  3. Harlee

    Nick I was trying to find some answers for myself about my depression and anxiety when I read what you’ve been writing. I wish you didn’t have all of the pain. I don’t know if you are a christian, but I KNOW that God put you on this earth for a reason (all of us) and I pray that you find some peace before it is too late. I know how hard it is, believe me…words cannot say how I feel most of the time, but I am praying for you.

    Like

  4. @Someone Is Here Sorry to hear you have similar problems 😦 Like you, I wish I could find some encouraging words but I don’t really know what to say. I have some very nice online friends too, people might laugh but they are my best friends. I hope you are feeling a little better now at least.

    @Stacy Yeah I know what you mean, I tried that before but I’m past my first cut off age that I thought up. I’m not sure whatever I do now will be good enough, I’ll always be behind everyone else, socially. Thanks for reading and commenting, just knowing someone is there is a help. Take care.

    @Harlee Thank you Harlee, I appreciate your kind thoughts. I hope you can find some answers yourself.

    Stacy :
    I guess people don’t realize or know what the A icon stands for on your page…..

    Guess not, click it and find out!

    Like

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