I'm still here

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I’ve been sleeping terribly, up for days at a time (I know other people have it a lot worse but I am dead after 3 days) even after taking sleeping tablets. I’m coming off zopiclone now though, haven’t had any since that first night.. I can’t remember when it was, days have merged into one long mess. I can’t concentrate, I’m too hot, one of the only people in the world who I can talk to with relatively little anxiety has gone back home so I won’t get to see her again for ages.

The pressure to get a job is mounting and the whole process just fills me with a mixture of dread and sickness. My thoughts constantly revolve around killing myself, I doubt an hour goes by when I don’t think of it once. I almost started taking pills this morning (after being awake all night again) but if I want it to work I have to make preparations. I can’t risk failure, my life wouldn’t be worth living anyway if I survived, it’s lose/lose.

I hate myself, I disgust myself. I can’t bear to look at myself because I am so repulsive. I’m so wrapped up in my own world that I am impatient and snappy to my own family. My mum keeps asking what’s wrong but she doesn’t really want to know. She wants to fix things but nobody can do that, it’s not like when I was little and could count on her to get me out of things. Every time real life rears it’s ugly head, I fall to pieces. I’m simply not good enough in every possible way.

I don’t know what to do, some part of me must want to be here still otherwise I would have done it already. I wonder how long I can put off the inevitable crushing reality.

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4 thoughts on “I'm still here

  1. me too hopeless

    I have also suicidal tendency. I hate myself, and always lost in my own world which is further getting me into depression. I am taking pills for depression for past 6 years but it is not working.
    I was surfing net some days back when i came across this site http://www.emofree.com. I donloaded there free EFT tutorial and tried for 1 week (barely takes one minute), i am feeling much better than my previos days. Plzzz do try this maybe it also works for u.(Hopes it works)

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  2. Hey, I’m glad you’re still here. Have you managed to get any sleep yet? I’m surprised you’re feeling awful after three nights of no sleep – some people can manage with very little sleep and some people can’t unfortunately!

    I hope you’re still going with your last sentence that if you haven’t done something then it means a part of you still wants to be here. It is not inevitable that you kill yourself, that is never inevitable. I know doctors and health professionals can be entirely useless but maybe you should talk to your doctor again? Just keep trying please ok?

    Hannah

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  3. thanks all. I’m still sleeping terribly, was up til 7.30am today but got a few hours in the afternoon.

    I am still here but I don’t really know why I bother. I don’t have anything to look forward to but a miserable future. It may not be inevitable, but if I ever get the courage to decide whether to do that or live out a joyless life alone without any friends or human contact, I know which I’m choosing.

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