Numb

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I have been awake since midday on Wednesday, the last few weeks attempt at sleep have generally me lying there tossing and turning until the wee hours before giving up and downing a zopiclone, which are become ever less effective as tolerance builds (that’s my own fault for taking them longer than Dr recommended). Wednesday night I decided to try and reset my body clock and just stay up until I felt ready to sleep, and I’m only just feeling drowsy now. I don’t know if the increased (30mg) paroxetine/seroxat has anything to do with it. My GP doesn’t think so but all I know is that it hasn’t helped whatsoever with depression/anxiety and the embarrassing side effects are there.

I can’t help but feel I am just treading water, running out the clock before I finally get the motivation to write an adequate explanation for killing myself and getting it over with. I can’t see what I have to live for any more, life’s passed me by and no matter how hard I try to play at being a real person, I just can’t do it. I don’t belong, I don’t fit anywhere.

The student loan company has decided not to lend me any tuition fees again next year, my mum’s boyfriend lent me vast amounts for the first year and he’s giving me some towards this years but I have to make up more of it myself and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. How can I go to a job interview and sell myself when inside I am wondering how I am going to be able to find a place where I can be undisturbed for 36 hours while I die. I can’t bring myself to make plans for the future because I half know that I won’t be here and it seems futile. I’ve exhausted all options from the mental health services besides being locked up, and I can’t see how that will help me at all. Maybe I am a danger to myself, but what if I always will be? I strongly believe suicide can be rational and I don’t see many counter arguments to say why I deserve or should want to stick around in this world for much longer.

I’m off to try and sleep now.

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One thought on “Numb

  1. Stacy

    I agree with you that there are definitely logical/rational reasons to contemplate suicide. I think why people for the most part feel so negative towards it is because of religious beliefs, or the fact that they enjoy life so much and can’t possibly see how someone would rather cease to exist. I think it takes a truly sensitive and strong person to actually go through with it. To me the only way suicide could be considered dishonorable or cowardly is if your a murderer or pedophile about to go to prison or something. I get frustrated too about thinking about the future because in being realistic with myself I feel like the question is more when not if i go through with suicide. So far I’ve only built up tolerance to 2 kinds of sleeping pills and really I don’t know what I’m going to do when they don’t work anymore because sleep most of the time is my only refuge and the only thing i enjoy on a consistent basis. Well I hope you got some sleep. I pretty much feel exactly the same way you do and don’t see the point of a life that is a constant struggle, especially when you don’t feel any connection to anything….

    Like

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