Will I Always Be Like This?

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Due to the extremely long time it takes to get a GP appointment at university and the fact that the crisis team psych would only write me 2 weeks worth of AD script at a time, I had to miss a dose of Seroxat on Friday night. I felt extremely disoriented and not entirely with it on Saturday morning, it was like I was on autopilot. Words came out of my mouth but I had no control, my attention span was like a 2 year olds.

It occurred to me that I am essentially unable to function without these drugs now. My psychiatrist said I had become psychologically dependent on Effexor, I’m not sure how he worked that one out since I hated the stuff but I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about… In any case, I am a mess without them. I hate this feeling, that I am broken and only pharmaceuticals can hold me together and stop me from becoming a complete disaster. They’ve kept me from going over the edge so far but I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

I know it’s bad, but I’ve been overdoing it with the zopiclone. It takes me ages to get to sleep without it and then its only a few hours. I hate walking around in a daze and then feeling like I’m going to pass out at about 4pm when it catches up with me.

The end of the university year is coming up, I have to go in and demonstrate the website that I made on Tuesday and I have an exam at the end of the month but after that I have done until September (assuming I don’t fail any modules). You might expect that I should be happy about this, pleased that I have finally achieved something worthwhile. Certainly if you read my posts a year ago, I am in a better position than I was back then, but I don’t feel anything

I was talking to an online friend who I’ve met a couple of times the other day and they wondered why I can’t ever be pleased with myself of congratulate myself for doing things that are challenging and that I wanted to achieve. I just can’t do it, but I can’t explain it properly either. I don’t think it’s logical to congratulate myself for doing something 99.999% of the population can do without blinking an eyelid, it’s dumb. I don’t pat myself on the back for getting out of bed in the morning, why should I deserve plaudits for being able to talk to someone?

Various mental health people and folks I’ve spoken to online say that I shouldn’t compare myself to others so much and that it’s pointless. To me that makes no sense though. In life, you are always compared to others. People can’t judge you in a vacuum, they can only get a sense of what you are like compared to other people. In any situation, social or otherwise, you are always being compared to others so why shouldn’t I worry about that?

I don’t walk around with a sign saying that I have a mental illness, nobody knows that walking into a room full of people makes me shake with fear or that I’ve seriously considered taking my own life on numerous occasions this year alone. They take it for granted that people can do those things, normal things easily. I have to strain and push myself to even be considered at the baseline of what a functional human can do, there’s no way I’m ever going to be a worthwhile friend, employee or anything else.

I’m sick and tired of being me. I hate myself because I am self centred, pathetic, utterly repulsive and probably manipulative even though I don’t mean to be. I don’t know whether to call it a day after I finish uni for the year. I don’t have much else to look forward too. I’d honestly rather die young and not know what a pathetic and miserable old man I’d become if I didn’t take things into my own hands.

It seems no matter what happens, I can’t be satisfied. I’ve had probably 3 days this year where I was briefly happy but within a day or even hours, I was already deconstructing what happened and discovering reasons to be sad again. It’s hard putting on a front for so long when you just want to die. I think that’s one reason I dislike being at home just lately, I have to put on a happy face and not let my mum know what’s going on in my head. She wants to help but cannot possibly understand or maybe she just doesn’t want to accept that her son (and by extension, she) isn’t perfect.

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3 thoughts on “Will I Always Be Like This?

  1. Chris

    I wanted to say something but I’m not exactly sure what so this’ll probably just be a load of waffle.
    I stumbled onto your blog by accident, as I’ve stumbled onto many websites about social anxiety and depression over the last few years, and I was surprised how many times I felt like I could have written this stuff.
    I was painfully shy as a child, and a lot of your comments about school and bullying, especially from your so-called friends, ring true for me.At some point in secondary school I think I developed social anxiety which, despite what some people say, is a very real and very debilitating condition, and should be taken every bit as seriously as a more ‘conventional’ illness like cancer.
    I don’t know the details of your first attempt at university, but six months into my first year and I was about ready to kill myself. I ended up dropping out and tried to get help – the next few years of therapy and various amounts and combinations of drugs did next to nothing for me. Being referred from one group of ‘professionals’ to another and back again was frustrating, and being told on more than one occasion that they don’t know what to do with me… yes, that made me feel a whole lot better. The whole experience has put me off getting help since.
    In a nutshell I struggled on – went back to university, lasted longer that time but still didn’t get my degree, and nary an acquaintance in three years; then after a brief stint working in a call centre (a nightmare) was unemployed for nearly two years before finally getting a part-time job in a library where I’m still at, and still find difficult every day.I don’t know why, but I persevere.
    People mean well when they say things like: “Hang in there, focus on the positives, things will get better”. If I had a pound for everytime I’ve been assured of that…
    I’m 26 now, and sometimes I have okay days, days when I think things aren’t so bad; but most days are just an endurance, and I am no happier today than I was eight or so years ago – I’d say less so, certainly lonelier, and the longer one lives with this thing, the more hopeless life becomes, the more it seems like life being any other way, like being anything close to how you’d want – it’s just impossible.
    And it’s not a lot we’re after. I know there are people suffering all over the world, and that in many ways I’m fortunate and should be grateful for what I’ve got. But I also know that some of the poorest people in the world are probably happier than I am or ever will be because of one simple thing – they’re not alone.
    I don’t know why I’m writing all this other than that I’ve never heard some of the things you’ve been saying on this blog other than from inside my own head, and I think it’s probably a really good thing that despite everything you’re still doing what bit by bit I’ve given up on over the years – trying to communicate with people.
    I’m hoping that the well-wishers are right and that things will get better, however slowly, and that you get through the summer and have a good second year. I look forward to hearing about how the CBT goes as that’s something that was suggested to me once but I never got to try.
    And who knows, if there’s hope for one, maybe there’s hope for all of us.
    Take care,
    Chris.

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  2. Hi Chris, thanks for commenting and sharing your experiences, I’m sorry you have been through such hard times 😦

    My first attempt at uni was pretty disasterous, I wrote about it somewhere but can’t find the link right now.

    I share your frustration about being bounced from one group of professionals to another, that’s one of the things that disheartens me most. No one ever gets to know me and what my problems are, half the time it seems like they haven’t even read my notes.

    Have you thought about going back to your GP or someone to get a referral for CBT? I am hoping that I hear something soon, it’s been so long since I managed to get the nerve up to first get medical help but I’m still waiting for some decent help.

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  3. DH

    Hello again Nick. Don’t let yourself ever be fobbed off by some of the professionals unless you truly are well. I was dragged miles across the borough a very few weeks ago for a “courtesy call” only to be told in a 5 minute discussion a line was to be drawn under my case i.e. the end and failure. And my problem was only diagnosed correctly (BDD)in 2004 with the proper treatment starting then until late 2006 after struggling with it since 1988! Early classics I had from “professionals” include “yes you ARE just passing the time until you die” (this to a 22 year old); “get a sports car”; “get it in perspective” (which one?). Anyway treatment 2004-2006 was good. Sorry if this sounds angry at some health professionals but if yours are letting you down and you’re not well don’t hesitate to change them if you possibly can. I was always too slow (lol). As usual all the best.

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