Indulgence

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I knew things wouldn’t stay good forever. I’ve spent the last few weeks reletavely free of depression, serious depression anyway. I don’t even know how to describe how I feel right now, resigned to defeat doesn’t seem to cut it. I’m just passing time, heading nowhere and putting off the inevitable. Maybe it’s because the uni year is ending soon and I have to come back home and parents are on at me to get a job. I hate feeling that pressure, the pressure of real life. It’s over a year since I managed to buy myself some time and became a mental health case. Since then I’ve had an excuse to avoid real life and responsibility. I know one day that I will have no more excuses and no more putting things off, I can’t take it I am just not cut out for living. The feeling of wanting to slip away is overpowering. I’m indulging my suicidal feelings by watching a documentary about people who jumped from the golden gate bridge that I have seen 3 times before. I wanted to go there and jump for long time but now I don’t have such grand plans.

I never told the doctors about the plans I have to overdose, I told them about how I wanted to jump from the bridge near my house and how I went there but there is a barrier now. I have the pills, I made the final preperations today. I don’t know if or when I’ll take them, the main thing holding me back up to now is that a person I know from the Internet who I care about a lot is coming up to the final exams before she graduates university and I can’t bring myself to cause her distress before she finishes. It sounds stupid now I have written it. I’m a complete fuck up at life in every possible way. I don’t want to be me any more, I want to be gone and forgotten. Nothing I do now can change things for the better. I’m too far gone and I’ve screwed things up too much. The mental health services have nothing they can do to make things better, crisis team can’t do anything, what can anyone possibly do? Nobody can turn the clock back or change my personality or the way my brain works.

I’m tired of living and wasting this life, I don’t deserve it and I don’t want it.

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5 thoughts on “Indulgence

  1. Regina

    Please don’t do it.

    I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, all I know is that it will be another pain that I’ll have to endure if I don’t try persuading you to give it another shot. Worse comes to worst, you will just come back to where you are right now. Maybe you can leave where you are now, leave the country, go somewhere else and start anew.

    Give yourself some more time, please?

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  2. I’m sorry Regina 😦 I didn’t want to make anyone here feel responsible for me, I got myself into this mess and I know it’s my own fault, please don’t feel bad.

    It doesn’t matter where I am, I’ll always be the same. I feel a bit better today, lack of sleep is driving me crazy though.

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  3. Regina

    @Nick
    I know what you mean by always being the same no matter where you are. I have been having similar thoughts that you’re having. You don’t have to apologise, Nick. I’m feeling sad because I chose to care, I could’ve just closed the window and forget about what you’ve written but I chose not to.

    If only there’s this place in the world that people like us can find solace and normality. We certainly didn’t choose to think or behave this way.

    It is really ironic of me to dissuade you from doing it, when here I am, going through the same thought process. I don’t know. Maybe I still have this little ounce of hope that there is a solution somewhere and that maybe if you give it just another shot you’ll find it? Sorry, I’m just babbling again.

    Anyways, I’m glad you felt better. 🙂

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