Infinite sadness

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I don’t think I can deal with it, it’s not the acutely crushing lows, it’s how blandly hopeless my life has become. I live in the past, mourning lost opportunities and reliving over and over the pain of being cast out. Sometimes the realization that things I ruminate about are 5 or even 10 years past hits me like a hammer blow. Why can’t I move on? Why must I be trapped forever in this adolescent mindset of rejection and alienation? Everyone else has moved on, lived life, but I am still the same. I fear I always will be and this is no way to live. I don’t want to play out 40 years of disconsolate loserdom.

I dream of joyously taking my own life. I think it’s safe to say I have romanticised the idea of suicide; unfortunately I have nothing else to realisticly hope for but a sweet release from this anhedonia.

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7 thoughts on “Infinite sadness

  1. Nick

    we all hold on to things from the past. we all have regrets; things we wish we did or didnt do. the facade we all put up that we have moved on and are happy and content is just that … a facade.

    you have to let go of the thinking that we all have perfect lives. Nick, try and keep on a positive path and try to make your own way rather than envy what u think the rest of the world has.

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  2. Ruby Tuesday

    I wish I knew what to say, but I wanted to let you know that I’m still reading. I think that K ^ makes a good point about so-called perfect lives.

    take care x

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  3. I’m not under any illusions that anyone has a perfect life. I don’t think most people are stuck being the emotional equivalent of a 12 year old like I am though. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of me.

    Don’t tell me that I’m normal, it’s a given that everyone I’ve encountered at university, no matter how different or “odd” they may be at least has friends or acquaintances. I’m unusual even among other people with social anxiety disorder. I can’t read those forums any more because I’m too pathetic and too much of a loser to even fit in there.

    I don’t know what I can do, I’m stuck in a situation where nothing makes me happy and I don’t know what I want because every option that involves living is too much to deal with. I’m just not capable of surviving in the world, I will fall to pieces if I have to be here much longer.

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  4. Nick,

    i think u need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. you are making progress, but you need to allow yourself some time for the little things to become bigger things

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  5. I agree with K, you do put far too much pressure on yourself. You’ve come a really really long way from when I first started reading your blog. I know you don’t see it, but you really have made remarkable progress, you just have to keep going.

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  6. Valentina

    Nick,

    Has anyone ever suggested that you may have avoidant personality disorder? And has there ever been the suggestion that social skills training might help you?

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  7. To answer briefly (as it is 3am and I probably shouldn’t be up at this time ;)) yes, they have, and no they haven’t. Will write more tomorrow I promise.

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