Sick

Standard

I don’t know if it’s the venlafaxine but I feel incredibly nauseous.  I feel even more sick when I think about myself and my life instead of distracting myself from things. It’s going to be hard if I have to keep distracted in order to stop feeling suicidal.

I have to go back and meet the damn crisis team tomorrow and I feel stressed about it already, all I want to do is sleep tomorrow, and forever really. I don’t want to be me, it’s too depressing.

There’s no future for me, not one I want to live. The same old things haunt me and bother me every day, things that can’t be resolved. I feel like I want to scream but of course such outbursts of emotion aren’t for me. There’s no way I can explain it to the stupid crisis team, some people who I will probably never see again. It probably seems easy for me to complain, goodness knows I do enough of it on this site, but in real life it’s incredibly hard for me.

I can’t just come out and say that I want to die and I feel ill when I see myself in the mirror and knowing I will always be alone and unloved makes me want to cry. I couldn’t look them in the eye after saying that. I don’t know what they could possibly do or say, not to mention my flatmates could overhear.

It’s not a crisis, there’s no urgency here, just a tiredness and realisation that I’m going to have a shit life (by my own ridiculous standards, I know other people have things much harder and a billion times more problems than me). I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Sick

  1. Hey Nick, good luck with the crisis team tomorrow, please tell them as much as you can, even if you can’t look them in the eye afterwards. Maybe it’ll feel good to tell someone that, to be able to say that. I know it’s really hard before you do it but you can do this, just be as honest and vocal as you can I guess. Maybe you could put some music on in your room so your flatmates can’t hear? And they might not be there anyway? Good luck.

    Like

  2. Thanks Hannah. I dunno how things will go tomorrow, I guess it depends on who turns up. I rarely get to see the same person twice. Some of them made me feel bad, like I’m wasting their time 😦 this will probably sound insane but I don’t have a stereo or anything that can play music out loud at uni. I am too scared to listen on anything but headphones in case people laugh at what music I like or think I’m old fashioned or weird. I’m terrified about revealing anything personal to people in real life, it runs deep and is hard to explain.

    Like

  3. Ruby Tuesday

    venlafaxine withdrawal is evil.

    I hope it goes ok tomorrow. I remember reading somewhere, (and who knows where!) that a crisis doesn’t have to a be a big dramatic event, that someone who has a persistant feeling of being hopeless, of thinking of suicide/lack of living, could be considered to be in crisis because they could hurt themselves at any time. Not cheery, I know, I just don’t want you to think you don’t have a ‘right’ to use the services, just because you’re functioning at the moment.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s