CBT Session 1

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I managed to drag myself out of bed and into town, catch the bus and get off just about in the right place. I’m not feeling good at all, my emotions are all over the place and I keep wanting to cry, I think about the long road ahead and hope that it’s not too late to recover, enough to be happy anyway.

The appointment was yet another hour where I had to tell my tales of woe all over again, I swear no-one in the mental health services communicates with each other at all. I managed to get through a lot of it though, it’s becoming easier with practice I guess. I told her about my bullying by so called friends and year+ long depressive episode that I am currently in and how it’s been as bad as I’ve ever known. We talked about my suicidal thoughts and plans and agreed that has to be worked on before anything else. I was honest about everything, having a plan, going to the place etc. She was understandably concerned and I even admitted that in an emergency I would probably not be able to ring the crisis team (I hate phone calls and I couldn’t just ring up and say “Hello I want to die”) but we talked about other ways I could handle it. I told her about when I went to A&E at Nottingham and she said that if I get into a situation where I might harm myself, I could go to the hospital here and maybe I should do the journey so I know how to get there in case the need arises. She also took the Lincoln crisis team phone number and is going to ring them and explain what happened today, and said that if I really need to ask them to visit I should ring them, say I have been visited before, tell them my name and that I’m having suicidal thoughts and am scared.

It might sound stupid but knowing what to say has made me think that I can do it if I get into that situation again. I don’t know what my issue with phones is, but if I don’t know exactly what to say I get into a panic very easily, I think it’s because you can’t really pause or rely on people reading your expression or whatever.

I have another appointment for next Monday, and I should be able to see them on Mondays in the future which is good news because I won’t miss any more lectures.

Things are very stressful at the moment, I don’t want to feel like I did on Saturday and Sunday, it terrifies me thinking about it now and what the consequences could have been (they were bad enough as it is). I don’t know if the medication change is messing me up even more, venlafaxine is notoriously hard to come off, but I didn’t feel fully in control and my memory is hazy. I didn’t eat for 2 days and didn’t even notice. I wish I had someone I could talk to who could stay with me and keep me company/sane. I feel lonelier than ever, can’t possibly let my mum know because she just gets upset and makes me feel guilty. I can’t really tell my flatmates what’s going on or they will think (perhaps justifiably) that I am nuts. I’m going to try and rest for a bit now, spent half the night unable to sleep and checking my email every 20 minutes.

Also: updated my old “About” page.

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5 thoughts on “CBT Session 1

  1. Post Glum

    Hi Nick,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while. Sorry you’ve been having a bad time and I’m glad to see you made it to your CBT appointment, I hope it helps you.

    I took venlafaxine a few years ago and was also worried about coming off them. I’m not sure if you’re in the process of changing to another AD or whether you’re stopping altogether. When I came off them I dropped down from 150 to 75 and then I dropped again to 37. After reading other people’s advice on forums, I then cut them up and continued to gradually reduce the dosage. Although I still felt a bit dizzy and weird, it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected.

    I’m sure other people have given you advice on here, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating something that’s already been said, but have you ever attended a social phobia self-help group? My brother suffers from social phobia and depression, but since he’s been attending a self-help group, he’s feeling a lot better and has made some friends and been out socialising with them. Are there any groups in your area?

    All the best.

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  2. Thanks, I am a little more hopeful about CBT now because I think the therapist is someone who I can talk to fairly easily (relatively speaking).

    Well I think they want me to come off ven completely before starting a different one, paroxetine (seroxat/paxil) was mentioned but I don’t really want to be on that. Mine are the extended release ones in capsules so can’t cut them up 😦 He didn’t even tell me to go on the intermediate 37.5mg step, just 75 and then stop altogether after a week :S Don’t think I can stand that.

    Don’t worry about repeating things or whatever, I welcome any ideas 🙂 I have looked for a self help group both here and in my home town but there aren’t any. The nearest one is miles away and I’d have to spend even more money on trains which I don’t have. Ah well.

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  3. It’s really good that you managed to tell them everything, I can imagine how scary that must be. I do understand about phoning people – knowing what to say in advance definitely helps. She seemed to take notice of things that you told her and the suggestion to do the journey first sounds like a really good idea. I just checked your about page and I can’t believe your first year at uni is almost up either! I started reading your blog before you had even started. You have done really well!

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  4. Thanks both 🙂 Yeah I can’t believe how quickly it has gone! When I went before, back when I was 18 the first 6 weeks felt like an eternity, but I was going through one of my most anxious periods then.

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