Boring

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Maybe I don’t explain myself properly. I don’t mean that I am boring as in someone who collects stamps or train spots or whatever stereotypically “boring” thing is relevant these days. I simply have no personality. All there is inside me is hate for myself, jealousy because others get to connect with people, and a deep sense of hopelessness that can only ever be temporarily avoided.

Seriously, anyone who reads this please answer: Can you think of a funny story from when you were a teenager or at university etc? Anything silly that you and your friends did. What about a good time, like someone’s birthday party maybe? A Friday night you went out and had a great time? To someone’s house? A holiday?

If you asked me this, then I couldn’t answer a single one. I seriously just came home from school every day and sat around, same on weekends. The only holidays I’ve been on are family holidays when I spent the whole time with my parents, I never even joined the kids club things that have at places like Haven (a Butlins type chain of places). Parties? Nope. Didn’t go to the school leaving do or Christmas parties or anyone’s birthday. Never went out to any pubs or anywhere at all on Friday nights or Saturdays, I just stayed in and watched TV or played games.

Perhaps there might be a small chance of something good coming from this, like if I spent all my time obsessively playing an instrument or reading or anything that is even slightly useful or interesting. I didn’t though. My life is just a blur. I sigh when people refer to a misspent youth, referring to getting into trouble or skipping school to go and hang out with people. At least they have made some social progress.

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20 thoughts on “Boring

  1. Lola Snow

    This will probably make you turn around and deny it, but I think you have quite a prominent personality Nick. You’ll deny it I imagine, but your sense of humour comes out time and again in your posts, emails and facebook comments. Fine, it may be self depricating humour, which apparently is not so helpful (Pah, what do Dr’s know??) but yeah. You certainly do not strike me as boring. You’ll say it’s all an act, but what you need to accept is most people put on an act. The deficit of stories doesn’t mean there will always be a deficit, just means you have a whole bunch of living waiting for you.

    Lola x

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  2. well, ill honestly say i have been out to parties and such but these are things i had to make happen. i used to go home from school everyday and spent all my weekends at home. many moons were spent like this, even now a lot of my time is spent home online. and there are times i worry that there is nothing to offer … personality-wise. but then i realise its fear and a symptom of comparing myself to the many out there.

    sure id love to go out and id love to have people invite me out, but its not happening. if i wanna go out i just have to go. people find it strange that i go to movies and such alone, but i find that i have to do the things i want as no one else is going to do it for me. i dont care if they think its silly but i am the only constant in my life so i just go and have the experiences i want. eventually the other stuff just comes …

    u are making progress so dont give up

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  3. @Lola Snow
    All I can do is find fault with myself, that’s it. Honestly, you wouldn’t know I would exist if you had to be around me in real life. I’m just an anonymous, disgusting face in the crowd. Nobody noticed when I disappeared for a week, I don’t think they’ll miss me when I leave for good.

    you have a whole bunch of living waiting for you.

    I’m afraid that might be the most inaccurate thing you will ever say, Lola 😦

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  4. @K.
    I’m sorry K. I have to do everything on my own as well. I don’t think I’ve made any meaningful progress though, at this rate I’d die of old age before I can reach the social capabilities of the average adolescent.

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  5. dont be sorry … i try to live as best as i can. i reach out to those i have around me and when they dont respond i try to pick up and move on. its not easy and its a bad feeling to feel that people of think enough of u to include u, but at the end of the day we all have the right to be here. we all are responsible for our own happiness.

    i think u should keep trying and ull get there moons before old age. im gonna share with u something i plan on doing for myself. i plan to make a list of the things i wanna do (places to go, things to try, etc) and each day or weekend im gonna try to meet one of those goals. u could do the same. so each week u could try have at least 1 meal with the roommates, etc. Nick … progress is progress regardless of the amount

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  6. @Nick
    i dont know what to say when u say that. but im sure there are other things you want. you want to have friends … you want to have relationships and such. is there no event that you’d like to go to? a race? a play? a match?

    if u could be “normal” and just do stuff, what would those things be? regardless of whether or not u think you can have them, is there nothing you’d want to do or experience?

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  7. I’m sorry. I’m not a pleasant person to spend time with, online or in real life 😦

    There’s no point thinking about those things because it just makes me more depressed. I don’t care about any event now, nothing makes me happy, I can’t get excited about anything.

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  8. well u have time to develop those interests!!!! there is a point to thinking about it because ur progress gives u a bit of hope. you have to just keep going

    like i said build on the good stuff uve been doing. u gotta learn to walk before u can run and before that uve got to learn to crawl. there is lots of fear involved here that u cant let go of all at once, so take baby steps … u’ll be ok … 🙂

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  9. I am 24, there is something seriously wrong with me. I should have learned to crawl and walk years ago. I have no good stuff to build on. Im a disgusting failure

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  10. I agree with Lola, I see your personality coming through all the time and you don’t seem boring like you say you are. You keep trying to convince us of it. We keep disagreeing, but you keep trying to make us see otherwise. Why would we be lying? You don’t need to feel guilty about accepting that even one of the small things we say could be true.

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  11. I’m sorry, I’m not being purposefully argumentative (I hate conflict) but it just doesn’t make sense. Re read this post and tell me with a straight face that I’m not a boring person. I am sorry but I simply would not believe you. I know people who read this try to make me feel better, there are kind people around like those who volunteer at Samaritans who spend hours trying to make people feel better when they don’t even know them.

    I try to make my point because if you ignore what challenges I have to face, it seems like I’m just lazy and I don’t think that is the whole truth. It would be a million times easier to try and find a way out of this if I was interesting (or even if I had interests besides death) or was not ugly. Unfortunately that isn’t the case though and I may be being self-important here but I don’t want you or anyone else who reads this to think that I will have taken my own life without damn good reason.

    This isn’t an attack on you or anyone else I’ve talked to from here, I’m just growing tired of hearing the same old platitudes with nothing to back them up. There are very few if any people who know what it’s like to be like this, and unfortunately none of the ones I have spoken too have found any way of improving it.

    Maybe I should just come out and say that it will be my dying wish that people will admit that some humans are just lives losers and those of us that are cognizant enough to know that we are one are destined for a life of constant disappointment until we accept our fate and either try to live asva subhuman or do what is necessary to escape it.

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  12. Yes life has been awful for you because of your illness, but do you not feel it’s a little bit better than it was? You were talking to your flatmates, making plans with them and two girls asked you to live with them next year. that’s improvement! Big steps forward! Please keep going , give yourself another chance

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  13. I dont blame my illness (if i even have one) i’m a sit person. That is the main problem and it wont go away because i cant change the past and I can’t change how I look. There are people with far worse illnesses than I may possibly have and they manage to not be total freaks like me. Any way you look at it, I am objectively rubbish and useless.

    It might be better than when I barely left the house for a year, but being asked to take a spare room, most likely because they couldn’t decide which of them got to bring a friend along doesn’t make any difference. It’s taken me over a decade to be able to manage the most basic elements of conversation. All I can do is ask mundane questions like “how are you?”. At this rate I won’t be noticeably better by the time I’m 40 and I can’t live like that, I just can’t. I’d rather be dead and not have to face the humiliation, shame and pure hopelessness of living like I am now for another decade or more.

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  14. yeliz

    @Nick
    hi, to be honest you sound like a very intellegent person and no matter how it seems right now, trust me your not the only one because im going through it aswell im 21 and i really havent gotten anywhere in my life I have tryed going to college to persue my dreams but because of my social phobia i had to give it up. I really think we could help eachother, and I would really be pleased to hear from you my name is Yeliz Alciner search me in facebook then we can talk about it, I hope to hear from you soon and hope you see this message! x x x

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  15. There is no such thing as having no personality 😛
    I’m not going to repeat what others have said, but I agree.

    “There are people with far worse illnesses than I may possibly have and they manage to not be total freaks like me.”

    You are not a freak. I have thought similar things myself- and there may be people with “worse” illnesses, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter whether you have social phobia, schizophrenia, cancer, athritis, mad cow disease or whatever- it affects you in such a terrible way and it has a massive impact on your quality of life, just like the others I have mentioned.

    How can any illness or condition be “worse” when the way an illness effects you in subjective. Two people with the same illness will react differently, and it will impact them differently.

    Anyway, some people can’t cope with a common cold, so I think you’re doing pretty well 😛 Just kidding x

    I don’t think you’re boring in any way, shape, or form. I actually find your posts really interesting, and you’ve got people who keep coming back to read them, so I can’t be wrong there.

    I know myself how social phobia is really difficult to deal with, and it’s annoying when people think you can just “do this” and “do that” for it to all go away.

    I’m trying to think of what may help you. It’s difficult as I’m still struggling myself. But it’s all about baby steps, whenever you can. I loathed Pontins because of it’s emphasis on social activities. Unfortunately, my parents were unsupportive and I was forced to go. They were miserable times.

    And how can you be boring when you’re a cool duder who likes games? 😉 That’s no different from any other 24 year old guy! 😛

    Ohh btw just noticed your last-fm widget- love your music! 😀

    I’m a person who stays in a lot. There are lots of things I’d like to do, but I have no motivation, or even energy to do them anymore, due to depression…it’s been months since I last picked up my guitar for example…So I understand how you can feel like you’re boring because you don’t do much…I do a lot of sitting around myself! And social phobia doesn’t help either- We can’t always go out like “normal” people!

    Anyway, I won’t say anymore for now, but any thoughts will be appreciated.

    weezy x

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  16. I am sorry about how much of a jerk I was in all these comments 😦 When I’m in the bad place I shouldn’t post because I simply cannot accept there is anything good about myself.

    weezy: Thank you. Argh I’m sorry your parents forced you to go to the Pontins thing. In some ways I wish my parents were more forceful with me and didn’t allow me to develop such avoidant behaviours though so you might have got something out of it 🙂

    I don’t really think I’m cool in any way haha, but thank you. I haven’t had much enthusiasm for games recently, did you read an old post of mine or something? I’m just curious 🙂 Perhaps you can give me some inspiration; what kind of things would you like to do? If it wasn’t for depression and lack of energy/motivation (which is probably a result of depression if my experiences are anything to go by) what would you like to do? I can’t really think of anything myself.

    I think that’s part of my problem, even when I do have the energy and wherewithal to go out and do *something* I don’t know what to do. Bleh.

    Thank you everyone else for your kind comments as well. I have read through them again now I am not in such a state of despair and I am really grateful and somewhat surprised that people take the time to try and cheer me up even when I’m being such a hateful moron.

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  17. Unfortunately Pontins didn’t help…it was like being tossed into a pit with hungry tigers!

    You mentioned games in your post! 🙂

    I’d like to write a novel, learn to play the piano, learn to pole dance (don’t take that the wrong way!)…stuff like that really…there must be something you’d like to do! It doesn’t matter how small it is or how silly it seems, but if you have the energy make sure you do something that you don’t normally do!

    You could try making a list of things you want to do so that when you do have the energy and such, you have something to do! It could be to take a walk, clean your room, visit a zoo, read a book, anything at all! It doesn’t have to be anything large scale like becoming the prime minister or something 😛

    Maybe you could add ‘stop putting myself down’ to that list? 🙂

    Have you heard of 43things.com ? It may not help at all, but when my goals are in front of me, and in little bite-sized pieces I have a peace of mind, and find them easiar to manage, even if I’m not doing anything constructive for a while.

    weezy x

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