Too Scared

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I got too scared about my first plan and I went out walking into the night. I found myself at the bridge I had planned to jump off a few months ago but they have put barriers either side now so it’s impossible to climb over. I’m too much of a coward to do anything about it so now I’m just sitting here shaken and helpless, for once I haven’t broken down into tears but I feel weak like I do after that happens. I wish I had someone to hug me, to give me some comfort but there is no-one.

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7 thoughts on “Too Scared

  1. I am so sorry to read this this morning, but I am glad you didn’t do it. Focus on creating something for your life that means something – like volunteering. If you can do something like that then your life will mean something to you as well as your family. You can even start by volunteering online – I know it doesn’t help the communication thing, but at least you have something to focus on.

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  2. I can’t call anyone, it’s too hard to explain everything, I just can’t do it. They can’t help anyway, what can they possibly do? 😦 they can’t give me a life or make me look normal.

    Sorry Penny but I don’t think volunteering would give my life any meaning. Nothing can take my mind off what a freak I am and all the things I wrote about in the previous post. I can’t see any future for myself, not one I’d want to experience anyway.

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  3. Ruby Tuesday

    I’m glad that you’re still here, Nick. I agree that you should get some help though. ASAP. If you find it difficult to explain, can you take some of the entries that you’ve written here?

    please take care. xx

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  4. I don’t know, they’d probably think I was just attention seeking or something. I don’t know who I could show anyway, I feel too guilty taking up time in A&E and I have to go back to university tomorrow anyway, I have a test on Tuesday that I can’t miss or I will lose a huge amount of marks for a module.

    My mum will be here soon, I just have to pretend everything is ok.

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  5. Rachel

    Dear Nick,

    I stumbled upon your website, and I’m really sorry that you feel like that. I know you’ve probably been told many times that it’ll all pass and it’s all in your head, but it’s true. I don’t want to be patronising, but there is a lot to live for, you are in university, and things can drastically change for the good. I found this website quite useful:
    http://www.succeedsocially.com/ . The guy who wrote it used to be painfully shy and he transformed into some sort of social magnet. It is possible! Your family loves you and people who come across this site, although not physically there for you, do care for you. Take care

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  6. Thanks for the link. I really don’t want to seem like attacking you but I’ve heard that it’s all in my head and will pass many times before and many years ago. People told me that when I was 13 and 11 years later I’m no better and probably worse. I’ve read a lot of that site now and it makes a lot of sense, but in a way it makes me feel a lot worse because I’m so far away from being acceptable that’s it’s not even funny. I am more pathetic now at 24 than that guy describes himself as when he was 16. I’d have to change so much that I’d be nothing like the same person I am now, it’s just not possible to change that much. I’m the opposite of everything a person should be like. The amount of things that are wrong with me is just too utterly depressing to contemplate any more. That site more than confirms everything I feared, I’m completely fucked up and there’s no solving it now at this stage. I just wish I had the guts to end it right now.

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