Last night I was in a fog, depression had taken over and I couldn’t see past it. I don’t know if anyone else feels like this and whether its a recognised thing or not, but I seem to experience two kinds of sadness/despair. Last night I couldn’t think beyond what depression was making me feel, but in reality there was still a glimmer of relief there which is probably why I didn’t go through it. A little part of me wanted to believe there was a chance, that maybe my thoughts are distorted. Right now though I am thinking more clearly and I’ve realised how much of a hard situation I’m in. Maybe it is possible to change enough to be normal and accepted, if http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is right then maybe people can change enough. Would it make me happy though? I have no idea because if I was to change that much, I simply wouldn’t be “me” any more. There are some things I can’t change, no matter how well I dressed for example, I’d never ever be able to reach “average looking” status or even just plain ugly.
It’s obvious now that there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to function in the world as I am but I don’t know if I can or want to change enough to make it possible. A feeling of overwhelming dread, fear and sickness rushes over me when I read the things on that site. It’s not the usual feel-good nonsense that people try to tell you, it’s the truth. People don’t like loners, they don’t like losers or ugly people, they don’t like serious people. You have to be childish and act like a drunken idiot. Of course I knew this all along but no-one would admit it to me. I can’t stomach trying to change myself into that, I feel physically ill.
This doesn’t even begin to cover how bad I felt having read this site (I promise this isn’t a dig against the commenter who pointed it out to me, i’m glad you did). I just want to die right now. Every page on there just serves to highlight how much of a broken, idiotic disgusting and useless shell of a person I am. I have no existing contacts to draw on, I’m the exact opposite of everything you should be and do to be socially acceptable.
I am finding it hard to express just how cut up and defeated I feel. I’m utterly sick and revolted by myself, I hate every fibre of my being. I’m too cowardly to even do the honourable thing and instead just mope around here and hope for sympathy and brief social contact with strangers on the internet. I don’t deserve to live, I wish I could never have been born. It’s too hard to pretend I’m ok any more, but what can I do? If I mess my university course up by telling the doctors then I’ll have absolutely no reason to go on, that is all that keeps me getting out of bed most mornings. All I can do is try to get up the nerve to kill myself or carry on upsetting and lying to everyone around me. I don’t know anyone outside my family well enough to discuss things with them and my family get too upset, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants the reclusive flatmate you barely see to knock on your door in tears and say they want to kill themselves. I’m alone and stuck.