Mixed Feelings

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I came back home today and found a letter from the psychotherapy place, they’ve offered to put me on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy but couldn’t tell me how long it’ll take until I can see someone more specifically than “several months”. I’d hoped that it would be sooner than that, although I suppose I’m lucky to get the opportunity at all without having to pay for it. By the time it starts I’ll probably have finished university for the summer, which puts me in the bizarre situation of being back at home but not being around anyone who I know.

It’s going to be difficult to make any progress when I don’t even have to opportunity for any socialising, at least when I’m at uni I could see and say a few words to a person I know every day if I wanted to. When I’m at home, there’s nobody except my family, who I have no problem talking to. I dumbfounded my psychiatrist by telling him this last time, I wouldn’t accept that there was no-one I could ring up and arrange to meet. “No friends? How about a friend of the family?” Nope, sorry doc. I’ve told them this before, I’m sure they don’t listen or they think I’m exaggerating. I really sat at home and didn’t speak to anyone outside my family for months and months. Nobody wants to know me, it’s obvious to me why that is, but they either don’t listen or don’t care (probably both). The place where I live doesn’t help things either, there is literally nothing but houses around here. There isn’t even a shop any more, you have to walk for about half an hour to get to another housing area where there is a Spar. Hardly a vibrant and inspiring place. The local town is a rough area and pretty much consists of £1 shops and bookies. If you tried to strike up a conversation with someone there you’d probably get knifed.

It’s very disheartening to think about how long this would all take if I try to stick with it. I’ve already been waiting over a year since I realised CBT is what I need and it’ll probably be another 6 months before I’d even get to make a start on things. Another package arrived today as well, a way out. I’m not sure how long I can stop myself from using it. I walked around the house with a suicide note in my pocket for 4 days last week, distraction only works for so long.

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2 thoughts on “Mixed Feelings

  1. I hope you can keep distracting yourself, Nick. It is terrible how long the whole process lasts. I am starting to hate going to the doctor and everything. I keep having high blood pressure because I am anxious when I’m there, and they just keep making me come back which makes me more anxious. Only after about 6 months am I finally getting a monitor to sort out whether I do have high blood pressure! I know it doesn’t really compare. But anyway, it will hopefully be worth the wait. Just keep looking at reasons to stick around. Stick around to see how this helps, and then hopefully things will start moving forward a little.

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  2. I’ve been trying, I can’t keep my mind on my work though and I’ve got nothing else to do. Sorry you are having problems with the doctors, I hope being able to find out for sure if your blood pressure is ok, it sounds like you do a lot of exercise so you will probably be fine. You don’t have to minimise your own anxiety, everyone feels differently about things. Some people are terrified to go into a supermarket but I can manage that alright, we all experience anxiety in different ways *hugs*

    I don’t know if it would be worth the wait though, I’ve not read many (real) reports of people with SA having CBT and getting a lot better. Most sites that have those kind of stories are trying to sell a book or audio series. This discussion on probably the biggest SA board there is doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. I think my problems are so much more than social anxiety as well. I’m going to write another post about that, but I have severely low self esteem and don’t even view myself as a real person any more, not to mention to obvious deep depression. CBT can’t change any of the unfortunate but true facts about me either, I look hideous and I have had an extremely sheltered and utterly boring life which has made me a ridiculously boring person. No therapy can change that, cosmetic surgery couldn’t even make me look normal.

    I’m not asking you personally, but what reasons do I have to stick around? I don’t enjoy anything in life, it’s not worth living to me. I can’t see any reasons why I’d be upset to lose it.

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