Alone

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I’m sorry for all the attention seeking, I don’t have any other way of communicating with people though. I wish I had someone I could talk to about things, someone I felt comfortable with. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say though, nobody wants to hear about my pathetic life and suicidal intentions. I suppose I must still want someone to talk me out of it since I’m still around, but of course no-one can. There’s no way out of the mess I’ve made for myself, nobody has any answers or anything practical to tell me. My mum gets upset when I tell her the truth, last time she told me I shouldn’t talk to “those people” (the psychiatrist presumably) about what I told her otherwise they’ll think that I have “a persecution complex” and lock me up. She has no idea what she’s talking about of course and it’s probably incredibly upsetting to hear your son say he doesn’t want to live any more and doesn’t see a point in his life. That’s not helpful for me to hear though.

This isn’t something I can snap out of. I can’t undo 12 or so years of behaviour and magically learn everything that I should have picked up over that time right away. Even if I woke up tomorrow without any anxiety, I would still have no idea how to act. I feel like screaming at people who try to help me “What should I do?” I want to put a normal person in my body and watch them to see what I should do because I literally have no idea. I think they mostly just want me to stop looking sad for their own benefit, so they have one less thing to bother them.

Nobody seems to want to admit the truth about how messed up I am, psychiatrist look at me in disbelief when I tell them about my life and act incredulous. Samaritans are no help to me, I’m fed up of hearing the same old thing over and over. I’ve tried joining clubs and societies but nobody wants to hang around with a hideously freakish looking loner who doesn’t have anything to talk about. I feel like screaming it at the top of my voice over and over because they just won’t listen. I’m sick and tired of the people who are supposed to help me failing to acknowledge this. Maybe there just is no solution and I really am screwed. It certainly feels like that now. 

What should I do? Anyone? I’m getting to the end of what I can cope with. I’m sitting here in my room while the others are getting ready to go out, the contrast between how I and they feel couldn’t be much greater. I hear them talk about how much they love uni and are having the time of their lives and people who’ve been round here urging us to make the most of it because it’s so wonderful. I can’t help but wonder how that must feel, to actually enjoy life. It’s a long time since I did, 13 years since I was actually happy, before I became sad and then massively depressed. Life’s a lot easier when you are a child of course. I don’t think I’m ever going to enjoy life again, not least because I doubt mine will last much longer. I wonder what purpose I’m serving by just hanging on here, just about making it to classes and barely managing to stop the interrogations from my mother about how I’m feeling. It’s a mammoth effort, but for what? I’m lacking a reason to go on, nobody except my family cares about me. I wish they didn’t care so that I could just get things over with. 

It must be hard to imagine so I can’t really blame them, but most people have no idea what it’s like to have no friends. I get so jealous I feel like crying when I walk the streets alone like a homeless person, seeing people out with their friends. It must be nice to not have to eat alone every day, to have someone to walk to class with and to not have to sit alone. To be able to talk to someone about things, about anything. To ask for their advice. If you want to go somewhere, to not have to do it alone and look like a weirdo. I could list a million things, nothing makes you feel like such a loser as constantly being alone and knowing that there are horrible, mean, spiteful people out there who manage to convince people to spend time with them but I am even more dislikeable than that. 

Tracked my order today, sent 17th February. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to resist the temptation once they arrive. I keep finding myself eying up buildings wondering if the roof is accessible and if they are tall enough to provide a fatal drop. I’d rather not leave it up to chance though, I curse the low-rise cities I live in.

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6 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I obviously don’t have any cure, and don’t know you well enough to offer any real advice, but I hope knowing that someone out there read what you wrote and felt the need to respond to it, helps in some small way.

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  2. I’m still reading, I’m still listening and I know there’s nothing I can really do to make it better for you. All I can say is that I bet there are more lonely people around you than you can imagine. You can be lonely even when you’re surrounded by a group of people, even a group of friends. I have friends but I have no-one who I can tell how I really feel to. You have to keep hanging in there Nick.
    If you become so convinced that no-one will ever want to hang out with you, then nothing will change, I know it must be so much harder for you than I could possibly imagine but keep putting yourself out there. You talked to people in yo9ur halls last week, sat with them for a while and that is brilliant. A lot of people at uni are so caught up in their lives that they just don’t notice the people around them, they aren’t ignoring them. I don’t know if all of this is the right thing to say or not, I just want you to keep going.

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  3. I hope knowing that someone out there read what you wrote and felt the need to respond to it, helps in some small way.
    It does, thank you for reading and commenting.

    Thanks Hannah, I think I know what you mean. I had some “friends” in school who I spent time with there, but I always felt alone anyway because they didn’t really like me and I didn’t like them. They were probably crueler and more damaging to me than anyone else.

    I’m afraid that I’m already convinced nothing will change, I can’t possibly see how it can. Maybe the people I live with can put up with me for a while, but that day I spent with them was probably the most social interaction and made me happier than I’ve been for a while, they were all complaining that it was so boring because no-one was drinking.

    They are nice people, don’t get me wrong but I’m just not one of them. Even on the first night we were here they all clicked and acted like old friends but I can never be that to them. I’m just too different, I’m too socially undeveloped and immature. If I go into a room when they’re in there, they will usually say hello etc but it’s more like I’m a child who’s wandered in rather than an equal.

    Whenever I’m around others I always feel so inferior because I’ve wasted so much of my life and I have nothing to contribute to conversations. I feel like I’ve got no business at all being around “real people” because I am not one.

    Thanks for helping me to keep going though Hannah, I really do appreciate it especially since you are having such a hard time of things yourself *hugs*

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  4. I also feel like you in many ways as you have written in your post. Don’t keep yourself a shut in and only interact with people through your blog. You will find people are just people and many of them are feeling lost and isolated too. Just smile and start a conversation with another young person you see sitting alone. It’s not easy to put yourself out there, to make the first move to meeting someone. But you really need to do it.

    My ex husband was agoraphobic, meaning he could not go out in public without having huge panic attacks. He was sure everyone was looking at him, judging him and belittling him in their minds. In reality, I doubt most people even noticed him though he was (and still is) a big sized guy. People are mostly wrapped up in themselves and worrying about what other people think of them.

    You can take a step to meeting someone. Forget about yourself for a little while. Don’t think about how you look or what someone else is thinking. Just live in that moment and only see the world around you, not the world inside of you.

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  5. South Indian

    me too exactly the same..now only i came to know that there are people like me on this earth…
    I constantly think of suicide…fed up of going out alone,walking alone…cant try to overcome it…
    my previous attempts failed miserably….wen i think of the frustration and sadness resulted from it,i don feel like trying again….there is no way out there other than death…

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  6. Dom

    I feel the same way – I’m sure there are many thousands like us. As I read expressions like these I imagine how wonderful it would be for people like us to just have somewhere we could meet – you know, with no expectations from each other. No stressing over ‘making the right impression’ by having to endure mindless small talk about things you have no interest in whatsoever. Y’know…just being lonely together for a while. But…I know I will not be venturing from outside these four walls anytime soon just to be with other people, I know I have now lost all social skills I may have once had.

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