Intrusive Thoughts

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I’m finding it hard to keep my mind on anything productive at the moment. Last night I couldn’t sleep even with pills because a thread which I read on an SA forum kept going through my mind. The person who posted it asked if you could see how your life turned out, would you choose to opt out and not have been born, I certainly would. I can’t think of any reason why I’d want to go through all that I’ve been through and not get any reward for it.

It’s a scary thought, but one which I can’t take my mind off at the moment. What if this is all there is for me? Absolutely nothing in my life makes being such a useless, pathetic and hideous person worth it to me. It’s not like I can think “Well at least I have friends” or think back to happy times with people, because I’ve never had any. Even the most optimistic (and unrealistic) person would be hard pressed to see a decent future for me, given how badly I’ve done at life so far. I know I’m always harping on about it but I really can’t stand the thought of always being alone and disliked. If nobody has ever found me attractive and I’ve been single (not just that, but actively mocked and derided about how undesirable I am) for 24 years, what chance is there of that changing? I’ve already seen from various data and graphs that I’m in a tiny minority of people, never having been in any kind of relationship at this age. The amount of people that get past that and eventually have normal lives must be infinitesimally small, I expect most of the people in the same situation as me are severely disabled or disfigured.

I really am trying to keep my mind off the bad things but they just keep creeping back. I overhear people talking, someone in one of my lectures asked another guy if he still played World of Warcraft (a time consuming online game, luckily I have not succumbed to its clutches) and followed up with “So you still have no social life then?” which of course resulted in much laughter. He then suggested that the guy should jump off a bridge. Hearing this kind of thing doesn’t help me, especially since I was planning on doing exactly that a few days ago 😦 I hear people who don’t want to go out on a particular night, despite the fact that they are always usually out all the time get called “antisocial bitch”, what must people think of me?

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3 thoughts on “Intrusive Thoughts

  1. Well I really hope you can look into some volunteering to take your mind off it. I understand what you mean about people getting called antisocial though. It really annoyed me at university. But there are different kinds of people. Even if I had more friends I still believe I need a lot of time alone, whereas some people have socialising as their main hobby and activity and are just friends with everyone. And some people think that not going out and drinking is antisocial but I don’t quite agree with that!

    Anyway hope you can keep your mind off it. Forgot to say congratulations on the uni grades! Sounds amazing.

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  2. I’m not sure how long I can keep my mind off being in such a horrible place (mentally) though. How many years can a person distract themselves from such loneliness?

    Yes I agree with you about needing time alone, socialising (what little I’ve experienced) is utterly draining for me and I couldn’t stand to be around people all the time like some of my flatmates who can’t seem to spend 5 minutes alone (or with just me around, same thing) without moaning about being bored.

    Thanks, I was pleased that they recognised my work but it ultimately feels hollow and unfulfilling now. Despite how it might appear to people who know of me in real life, I’m not a machine and there is more to me than just work.

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  3. peter mcmahon

    hello Nick
    It sounds a pretty tough situation mentally, that you are in. I feel for you, because I do have a good notion of what you must be going through-my wife is social phobic. She has had a hard time for the last 15 years(now 32), having to watch the world go by, never having a job and wandering if she will ever be ‘normal’. Most reasonable people are sympathetic and will try to highlight the precarious and false nature of socialising, however the point they usually miss is that ‘you’ would at least like the option to be able to choose. I don’t really know where to continue, but I have seen the anxiety and distress that social contact brings on for sufferers. Yet, she has managed to have a family but unlike yourself, despite several attempts she was unbale to get through university due to social phobia-being amongst people trying to be ‘ultra hip’ only increases the problem. I don’t know how much of this story you would like to or need to hear, so i’ll leave you to ask for more if you wish.I will add that on the plus sibe Nick you are showing a lot of determination-trust me it is virtually empty in many and you write well too-a useful tool. We hope you can find some extra courage. You can write if you want-feel free to moan your balls off. Peter

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