I didn’t manage to call or tell anyone. I can’t bring myself to try and explain everything to a stranger, nor could I cope with going to the hospital again and feeling guilty for taking up valuable space and doctors time that people who actually want to live deserve. There’s nothing they can do anyway, I don’t think there is anything that can solve the mess I’ve made of my life.
There’s a weird feeling I get inside my head, I’m pretty sure it’s to do with my meds or serotonin or something because it feels much worse when I forget them, it feels lik e a motion blur when I turn my head from side to side. It’s not very pleasant and I feel really anxious and nervous like I used to before I went to school. I don’t know what I’m fearing, maybe just life itself and living another day. I’m tired of pretending everything is fine, my mum almost cancelled her trip to France because she knew something was wrong but I did a good enough job convincing her it wasn’t anything serious.
It’s an annoying situation with my psychiatrist and mental health team (I’ve never had this stuff explained to me by them) because they are all here, whereas I spend most of my time at university now but I didn’t want to have to start all over again from the beginning in a new place so I stayed with the Nottingham people. My GP at uni gave me the crisis team number for there, but apparently they won’t have access to my notes so it’d make everything a lot harder if I had to deal with them.
I really don’t know what to do, I thought about going out tonight and walking to the bridge. I’m not sure it’d be high enough, I haven’t been over there for a few years. I thought about that car park, I don’t know if it would be too visible and I don’t want to get caught or traumatise anyone nearby. I want to get on a train and go to the place where I know I can get it over with.