I don't know what to do

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I was up until 6am this morning, couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about everything bad about myself. I managed a couple of hours of intermittant sleep until 9am when I felt disgusted with myself and had to get out of bed. I sent samaritans another email but they never seem to help in any way. It seems like no-one knows what to say, it’s understanable because I’m totally messed up but it still hurts.

I took a wrong turn years ago and now I’m just heading right into a dead end. It’s far too late for me to do anything to fix it now, I can’t go back in time and give myself a life or any experience. People don’t expect a 24 year old to be so immature and undeveloped, nobody wants to know such an enormous loser as me. I was on the brink of going out to the bridge last night, in the end I was too drained to go through with it but the desire was definitely there. I have no idea what I should do, every possibility seems pointless. There’s nothing good that can come from calling the crisis team, I won’t even be here in this city by Monday night, they can’t help anyway. What good can anyone do? Nobody has a magic wand to fix me.

It’s pointless sitting here refreshing my inbox waiting for samaritans to write back or someone to comment on here, it’s pathetic but that’s what I’ve been doing. I have to keep up the facade that I’m OK because my mum is here but I really feel completely hopeless now. Everything I hear on TV is a constant reminder of what a loser I am, I had to turn it off. I’m sick of hearing about valentines day, sick of being reminded that I always have and always will be unloved and unliked. I crave human contact, I wish someone could give me a hug, it would mean so much to me but no-one would come near such a freak as me.

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One thought on “I don't know what to do

  1. Rebecca

    Hi,
    I read your blog entry while I was perusing the internet (for lack of a better term) and I just wanted to leave you a little message to let you know you’re not alone. I know it doesn’t mean much, that I probably have no idea what you’re going through etc, but I also suffer from anxiety and depression, and am scared every day that I have wasted the best years of my life and will always be alone and unhappy. It’s a terrible feeling, believing that this is as good as it gets, but even though every anxious part of me believes rationality can go to hell, I do think things will be ok for people like you and I. I don’t know how or when or what you can do in the meantime, just keep trying, keep pushing yourself to beat the problems. The worst thing you can do is opt out, because then the anxiety wins and who knows what you actually will miss out on. I’m sure there is someone out there to give you the human contact and companionship you need. Just keep hoping. Good luck with everything, mate. If you ever want to chat, feel free to get in touch.

    Like

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