100 Posts

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I just realised that my previous post was the 100th I’ve made on this site. I’m amazed at how quickly I rattled off 1000 words without really thinking about it, I guess loneliness and depression is one subject I know a lot about. 

This site began with some blog posts I made on the now defunct social anxiety friends website, a place where I met some people who I still talk to online regularly and have met a few of in real life. I’m glad that I found them, they’re pretty much the closest thing I have to real friends and were probably more instrumental in improving my life situation than anyone else. I wouldn’t say that I’ve made huge strides since then, but I’ve done quite a few things I’d thought I’d never have the courage to do. 

I really appreciate the people who read my website and post comments, thank you – you keep me (relatively..) sane and have genuinely helped me. It’s kind of liberating to talk about my problems with such lucidity on here, something that I can’t do in real life, though I sometimes wonder why I bother to announce these things to the world. It’s something I’ve been considering over the last couple of days and I guess that what I really want is an answer. I know in all likelihood there is no solution, I find it hard to believe that enough people have gone through the same experiences as me (I seem to be an aberration even on social anxiety sites) to make it likely that any will run across this site and give me any words of wisdom.

I suppose the fact that I’m still here must mean there is a small part of me that still has hope. Every day is still a struggle to find reasons to carry on though, I genuinely wonder (please tell me) if my life is really hard enough to warrant feeling this suicidal? Can people read my previous couple of posts and think that is a decent way to live? Once again, I do realise I could be a blind leper with cancer, and I do realise how lucky I am to have a roof over my head etc. Maybe I’m being naive but I imagine some people would be shocked at how badly (admittedly mostly due to my own faults) I live. 

I just read this quote on a forum for people with social anxiety:

I’m a sexual being and I also want a lover. I’m not willing to compromise on that. Well for short periods of time, during illness and that – yeah, fair enough. But not in the longer-term.

This isn’t something I can even comprehend, that a person could make such demands of life. This may be pathetic, but that kind of thing is to me, in the same realms of possibility as winning the lottery, that’s genuinely how I feel about it.

Maybe it’s what blogging is all about, but I feel compelled to apologise for attention-seeking. I’m just so desperately lonely and deprived of human contact (I barely even feel human myself now) that I want someone to hug me and tell me I’m going to be ok, even if I know it’s not true. I wish I could feel alive even for a little while 😦

Note: I’m not criticising the person who I quoted. You’d better believe I’d feel similarly, were I in a position to do so.
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5 thoughts on “100 Posts

  1. Hi Nick, congrats on 100 posts. yeah they may be about sometimes depressing topics, but if it helps you and helps others understand in any way it is all worth while 🙂 Please don’t apologise. The great thing about a blog for a start is that you can do whatever you want, and if people don’t like it they won’t visit 😀

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  2. Hagel

    Congrats on the milestone.

    Is that book you mentioned in your last entry worth reading? I’m interested in the nature of the human condition. Which is complex.

    I’m not qualified to give you advice. But I will anyway. I think you might be concentrating overly on the horizon. Often what we want to be or have seems along way away. It’s discouraging.

    Maybe it’s more helpful to set smaller goals. I’m mixing my metaphors now.

    I’d try to increase my social contact gradually each day. Not to a massively discomforting degree, but whatever is reasonably do-able. Thinking “how am I ever going to find a life partner?” is a bit like straining to see your lost house key which you dropped a few miles away.

    The changes we undergo do not happen at a linear rate. There are loads of feed-back loops in the brain. Small changes can have disproportionate effects. But you have to make the small changes.

    Hope you don’t think I’m lecturing.

    Unwanted isolation is depressing. And depression makes us see things in a dark light.

    And looks are not the be all and end all. Beautiful looking people have problems too. Not that I am one.

    Take care.

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  3. Nick

    Thank you both 🙂

    Hagel: It might be worth borrowing from the library but I don’t think you’ll find too much insight in it.

    I understand what you’re saying, it does make kind of logical sense to me but understanding something and being happy about it are different things 😦 I’m certainly in no rush to find a life partner though! I don’t think you’re lecturing, any advice or help is welcome 🙂

    I realise beautiful people have problems too, but it’s just one more thing added on to the heap that makes things difficult for me. It’s hard to go through life, even walk down the street, when you see people look at you with disgust or whisper to their friends and laugh. It’s hard to tell myself I’m acceptable and not inferior to others when I’m constantly reminded of the fact that I display my inadequacies like a beacon.

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  4. Hagel

    I’ve ordered that book. I won’t blame you if it’s cobblers. You never recommended it.

    Ever heard of the French writer Marcel Aymé? He wrote an interesting novella called La Belle Image. It’s published in English as Beautiful Image. The protagonist finds himself transformed into a supremely attractive young man. He describes what follows such a fantastic and incredible metamorphosis. The book is mildly comical, but addresses how our looks colour how we behave and how we are treated.

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  5. Nick

    I’m afraid I haven’t heard of it, but it sounds interesting 🙂 I will have a look in the library once I’ve worked my through the pile of reading material I have to to do heh. Thanks.

    I know it’s not the answer to everything, but I’d love so much to be just average or even normally ugly. To not stand out in a crowd or picture, that’d do me.

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