I wanted to write about this earlier but with the annoying web hosting problems, haven’t been able to…
My university was closed on Thursday because of the snow. I found out before I got ready to go to my early class fortunately, but instead of spending all day in my room and just sneaking out to get something to eat as I usually would have done, I decided to go and get a drink from the kitchen and sat with my flatmates and the people from the opposite apartment. I actually managed to say a few words here and there which I was quite pleased about. Later on I went shopping with one of my future housemates, J, and we had lunch with E, the other girl we’ll be living with. It was nice to spend a bit of time with them and we actually had a decent conversation, I talked to E about films for quite a while before I went back to do some work.
Last week we’d planned to go for dinner at the pub on campus to celebrate getting our house for next year and this time we actually did go, unlike when they suggested going out for my birthday. It was just us 3 at first and then some of the girls from the other apartment came to join us for a few drinks afterwards and I actually had a nice evening and managed to act reasonably normal for once. I don’t think they thought I was too strange and I wasn’t completely silent the whole time which is about as good as it gets for me.
I’m not sure what happened to me, to be honset. It seems rather strange that I can go from being extremely depressed and constantly thinking of suicide to probably as sociable and happy as I’ve been for about a year or more within 24 hours. I’m aware that I could and probably will crash back down again soon, but it was nice to have a day where I wasn’t feeling awful for a change. I really, really have trouble believing that people don’t think that I’m a complete weirdo, but I didn’t feel that bad on Thursday. I almost fit in. I can’t help but feel something was up though, looking back on it. The day before I sent a message to E on Facebook, asking if they were really sure about living with me next year. I was feeling bad about how boring it must be having me as a flatmate. She was really nice about it though and reassured me that they wanted me to stay with them. I explained a bit about how I feel nervous around everyone but didn’t go into too much detail, but now I’m thinking that maybe she asked the others to be especially nice to me or something. Oh well, I suppose I should be happy but already the nagging doubts are coming.
I’m home for the weekend again, I’m not sure if constantly coming home is helping or hurting me. In a way, I couldn’t have done without it in previous weeks because I wasn’t eating when I was at uni and I probably would have gone insane spending that long alone. I feel like it might be better for me to try and spend more time around them though. It’s incredibly difficult and mentally draining for me to be around people and I’m not sure how long I could manage it for though.
Apologies if this post doesn’t make much sense, I didn’t sleep well at all for the past couple of days. I’m trying to ensure that I don’t get addicted to zopiclone so going without it for a while.