Tomorrow morning is my appointment for CBT assessment. It’s been a long road to get to this stage, it took me the better part of a decade to seek medical help for something that I realised wasn’t normal but didn’t know was a recognised mental health condition. It’s taken another year of jumping through hoops with various GPs, nurse practitioners, psychiatrists and consultants before I finally got the opportunity to fully describe my situation to someone that might actually have something to help me as opposed to throwing pills at me.
I’m rather worried about how brutally honest I was on the questionnaires that they sent to me. I know the tick-box depression test thing will reveal the obvious state I’ve been in for the last few weeks. Yes, I have thought about killing myself, yes I do feel isolated from people. The other form was more open ended, I got to write what I think my problems are, what happened in my past that might have triggered them. I could have written volumes. It’s good in a way, I’ve never actually managed to express myself properly. My mouth goes dry, my throat closes up and whenever I try to approach the subject of how my appearance is a major source of pain for me I feel like I’m going to start crying.
Of course the thing that is worrying me most is that they will think I’m too depressed and suicidal for CBT to be of any use for my social anxiety at the moment. In truth, depression has been much more of a problem for me over the past months but one leads to the other. My social failures and isolation make me feel depressed and then I don’t feel like facing anyone, the spiral of despair.
I’m not sure what I want to happen. I don’t even know if I’ll be around much longer. I asked how frequent sessions would be and they said every 3/4 weeks. I’m not sure how much will be accomplished by seeing someone so rarely. I’m such a hopeless case, I need someone by my side every day to give me advice and keep me going.
It’s hard to describe and probably hard to visualise if you aren’t such a hopeless social failure as me but there are times when I’ve decided to make a real effort (by my standards) and set out to speak to someone in one of my classes. Now there are only a few people whose names I know and it wouldn’t be too weird for me to say something to, there was one girl I managed to talk to a little at the start of the course. Anyway, a couple of times I set out to try and at least say hello and ask if she had a good weekend or something, but then inevitably something would make me chicken out or she wasn’t there and now it’s too late. We haven’t spoken for months and she’s probably forgotten who I am. After these failures I’d go back to my room disheartened and wonder why I even bothered. I don’t know what to do, when it comes to setting goals I have no idea. That’s where I fall down when it comes to self help books, I just don’t know what I should be doing.
I need guidance but I’m not sure I deserve or even want it.