High Places

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Every time I walk to classes I see that high apartment block calling me over. I want to climb to the 10th floor balcony and drop knowing I’ll have at least a few seconds of release.

I don’t know what to do. It seems like I should talk to someone, but who and what should I say? I don’t know if I want to be talked out of it.

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13 thoughts on “High Places

  1. Lola Snow

    ***sighs*** it sounds like a bad place to be in Nick. I think you should talk to someone, if you can. When I was feeling like that I emailed the Samaritans. I’m not great with phones or talking to people I don’t know, but I actually found it really helpful. Sometimes just letting it all out in a rant is quite therapeutic. You could try it? It’s certainly an option, and one which has a live person on the end of the wire, but without any fear of judgement, and no actual contact.

    Please stay safe, you are much cared about. Things can get better Nick, they really can.

    Lola x

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  2. Nick

    I have emailed them but they aren’t usually very helpful to me. I sent a huge one earlier in the month and they basically just replied saying “how are you coping with this?”. I have tried again though. Thanks, I wish I could believe I was cared about. I don’t want to upset my family, they are the only people who I speak to regularly. Well, my mum and sister, my dad is so wrapped up with his church and girlfriend he probably wouldn’t notice me missing for a few months. It’s not like I have any friends who care about me. My funeral would be a pretty empty place.

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  3. Im sorry things are so difficult for you at the moment. But please, please try and safe maybe you got a dud listener/email replier from Samaritans maybe next time they could be more helpful, or what about talking to your family, please Nick, stay safe. Hannah X

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  4. Hey Nick, please try and keep yourself safe. I’ve emailed samaritans before and sometimes they can be helpful, sometimes they’re not, but it’s worth trying. Surely anything that might help you stop feeling like this is worth tryiny. I’m thinking of you and really hope you feel at least a little bit better soon. Please look after yourself.

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  5. Hey Nick,

    So sorry to hear how bleak you are feeling just now. Like others, I wish I knew what to do, or say, to help but, in truth, I guess no one can get you out of this other than yourself.

    I know it’s easy said, but just try and hang in there!

    I feel pretty much the same as you right now in terms of suicidal thoughts, And, if I lived closer to you, I’d probably come and join you on the top of that high building because I’d need someone to hold my hand as I hate heights!

    Seriously though, do try and get to talk to someone. Don’t suffer alone in silence…

    x

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  6. Nick

    Thanks everyone, I’m not just attention seeking, I just felt so bad when I wrote that 😦 I emailed samaritans but I’m too scared to read the reply at the moment. I don’t know what will happen but for reasons I mostly covered in the comments of the last post, I can’t really see things ever getting better for me.

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  7. Anon

    Strangely I know how you feel. I’ve had bad depression and some social phobia, actually reduced to the state of being a Hikikomori last year, but despite all this I’ve never suffered from suicidal thoughts. In fact quite the opposite, I really want to stay alive, as I also suffer from thanatophobia, a fear of death and non-existence.

    However recently for one of the first times I’ve actually had somewhat suicidal feelings. The cause? Tinnitus, that started last Tuesday and hasn’t gone away since. The constant ringing is a true torture, and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I haven’t had a good nights sleep since it started, and I’m unable to properly focus on anything. The lack of silence is such a great loss, it has robbed me of the peace of mind that I find so important to keeping going. The lack of a single moment of relief is the worst of it, and by day 5 on Sunday I was broken, sitting in the kitchen in tears. It’s almost ironic, I’ve always experienced so many awkward silences in the past when in difficult social situations that I wished didn’t happen, but I would give almost anything to experience an awkward silence now, I would cherish each one.

    I still hope and am trying to keep confident that with treatment and my young age that it will go soon totally, but if it doesn’t I really don’t know how I could continue.

    I’m sorry that this has been a long comment, but I just felt the need to give a warning about the hell that can so easily result from tinnitus. Any sound over 85db is dangerous to hearing if for prolonged exposure, with safe exposure time decreasing as the decibel level increases above 85db. So please for your own sake anyone reading this protect your ears if you’re going to be in a noisy environment for a long time. It’s not worth the risk.

    I’ve found that there is something worse than being a social phobic. It’s being a social phobic with tinnitus.

    I hope you can continue to find the strength to keep going Nick, and remember the recent successes you have had in relation to your work and future accommodation, these and both fantastic results that show how far you have come. You can build on these success and go even further and do even better, I know it.

    And if you are feeling down sometimes, remember, it could be worse you know?

    Please stay alive Nick,

    Good luck

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  8. Nick

    I don’t know what happened, it went into my drafts folder but I put it back. The comments are lost though 😦 I’m still hanging in there for now thank you Penny

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