Stupid SA

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I’ve slipped back into old ways again. Since I’ve been back here since Christmas, I’ve only managed to make dinner in the kitchen once and that was when I knew no-one was in. I’m too scared to be around those loud people I don’t know. They scare me, I actually feel fear when I hear raucous laughter and conversations. I’m tired of letting this rule me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been spending far too much money on sandwiches and drinks in town so I don’t have face them all. I worry about stupid things, like what food I buy and whether they’d laugh when they see what’s in my cupboard or think I’m weird or something. It’s hard to describe, but it’s the fear that people will have some undefinable negative feeling towards me that I experienced so many times in school, sixth form and the first uni I went to. I’ve had everything from my laugh to the way I walk picked on and criticised and it’s made me paranoid to do anything in public view. I worry about the most mundane things that people usually never give a second thought to.

One positive thing is that I might be able to see a different psychiatrist next time. I had to get my mum to phone because I was too afraid to do it myself, but my appointment with the creepy guy has been cancelled and I’m waiting to hear back about seeing a different doctor.

Also my CBT appointment has finally come through. I knew over a year ago that CBT was my best shot at getting better but it’s taken this long of jumping through hoops to get them to agree and set a date. I had to fill a CORE form in (don’t know if anyone’s done this before) which has several statements presumably to gauge how depressed you are and  you tick boxes from “not at all” to “most or all of the time”. I’m a bit worried about what they might think because I filled this in honestly, and I really do think about killing myself every day and all that… There was also a longer form where I got to describe what my problem is, how it affects my life and what may have triggered it in the past. This is the first time that I will have been able to fully express these things, the first time I wrote things down for my GP, he refused to read it and made me explain to him, which I struggle greatly with. I’m just hoping that they won’t dismiss me as unsuitable for it because of suicidal and depressed I am. I shall find out on the 2nd of February.

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5 thoughts on “Stupid SA

  1. Ryan

    Hi Nick i found this site about a month ago and felt so much empathy with you, my heart really goes to you as i have lived a very similar life to you. im not goin to go on about myself but basically im 20 years old and have suffered with social anxiety, and had long periods of being a recluse since roundabout the age of 10. i dropped out of college few years ago and havent done anything since due to my ever increasing social fears. one thing have to say is i really respect the fact that even though you dropped out of uni you gave it another chance, something i think you did very well to do as i dont think i could do that. sorry this post has been so long just didnt quite know how to introduce myself, i really do sympathise with your problem though try and stay as strong as you can

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  2. good luck on ur CBT visit. i dont know what it is but i hope it helps and gives u the results ur looking for.

    Nick, u can be as great as u want to be and are limited only by yourself. keep trying and keep being strong!

    good luck again

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  3. Lola Snow

    Yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nick I am so happy to hear that you have begun to make changes like this. Getting your Mum to ring was a great idea, and finding a new psychiatrist who you can develop a familiarity with should help no end. And good for you for being honest on that form. If they say you are currently too depressed to start CBT, you need to make sure you ask for interim support. It might get you used to talking about your feelings more, sort of like practice.

    I really think you will find CBT helpful. I think it will me much easier for you once you have some sort of a plan to follow, even if the steps you might have to make are scary, it always helps to follow a route and know where you are going.

    My only tip for CBT, is to just try to keep an open mind about what the experts tell you. If you don’t believe something they suggest, then try it, and see what happens.

    I’m sorry things are still not great with your housemates, that must be really lonely on to of everything else. Hang in there mate, this post seems so much more focuses on sticking around, and that makes me so happy. I really think things can get better for you.

    Lola x

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