I wish I could put an end to it but there seems to be only one way to do that for sure 😦 I no longer believe there is any way that I can be helped, no drugs or lying to me under the guide of therapy will stop me from being such a loathsome individual. On one hand I feel like going out there right now and putting and end to everything but I don’t really want to put my family through that. I don’t know how much longer that will hold me back from doing it though.
If only I had a friend I could talk to, I might feel maybe a tiny bit better but I have no-one. There’s not a single person in the world I could call up and speak to. I’m a pathetic loner and have been ever since I became a teenager and people moved beyond the stage of being friends with whoever their parents made them play with. No-one in control of their minds wants anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame them. I can’t ring the crisis team because I’m utterly terrified. I’d sooner leap to my death than make that call, that’s how bad I am. I can’t go through the agony of explaining why I feel the way I do, and that a lifetime of rejection and years of loneliness, torment and near constant depression are making me want to kill myself, and not appearing like a kid who is saying “nobody likes me”. It’s too hard for me to explain and I don’t know what the hell they can do anyway. I don’t want them coming around here and setting my mum off into tears again, she’ll never let me out of sight again. If I’m forced out of uni then my reason for living is over, that’s it.
I wish I could stop the pain, unfortunately I don’t think it will ever cease.