Suffering in silence

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I wish I could put an end to it but there seems to be only one way to do that for sure 😦 I no longer believe there is any way that I can be helped, no drugs or lying to me under the guide of therapy will stop me from being such a loathsome individual. On one hand I feel like going out there right now and putting and end to everything but I don’t really want to put my family through that. I don’t know how much longer that will hold me back from doing it though.

If only I had a friend I could talk to, I might feel maybe a tiny bit better but I have no-one. There’s not a single person in the world I could call up and speak to. I’m a pathetic loner and have been ever since I became a teenager and people moved beyond the stage of being friends with whoever their parents made them play with. No-one in control of their minds wants anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame them. I can’t ring the crisis team because I’m utterly terrified. I’d sooner leap to my death than make that call, that’s how bad I am. I can’t go through the agony of explaining why I feel the way I do, and that a lifetime of rejection and years of loneliness, torment and near constant depression are making me want to kill myself, and not appearing like a kid who is saying “nobody likes me”. It’s too hard for me to explain and I don’t know what the hell they can do anyway. I don’t want them coming around here and setting my mum off into tears again, she’ll never let me out of sight again. If I’m forced out of uni then my reason for living is over, that’s it.

I wish I could stop the pain, unfortunately I don’t think it will ever cease.

thebridge

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9 thoughts on “Suffering in silence

  1. Lola Snow

    It’s unlikely that anything will change without a little push, I suppose it might, but it is fairly unlikely. The tricky bit is, that it will be you that has to do the pushing. Not an appealing prospect if you feel that most of your energy goes into trying not to end your life day in and day out. If your life could change, just a little bit, would you want to live it?

    Do you even know what it is that you want to change? Say for an example you got one of those long sought after genies in a bottle, and he gave you 3 wishes, what would you wish for? You can’t wish to be dead, to never have been born, or to be someone else though, that’s in the genie small print πŸ™‚

    Lola x

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  2. Nick

    I don’t think I’d want to live if it was only a small change to be honest 😦

    I know I have to make a huge effort, but I can’t escape the feeling that it’s too late. If I’d started to try when I was 16 then maybe I could have sorted things out but I avoided the problems for far too long. I don’t really believe that I have the strength in me to make such a huge push.

    As for what I want to change, I’ve been asked that before, and I really don’t know how to answer it. Since the genie small print rules out what I really want, I’ll have to put some major thought into it. It’s difficult though, like asking what would you change about the moon to make it a desirable place to live.

    I lost track of what I wanted a long time ago. The one thing I can think of at the moment is to be able to see and spend more time with my online friends, who I’ve only met in real life a few times, but I don’t think even that would make me happy. I’m one of those people who’d probably still be depressed and unfulfilled even if I had everything, a bit like the billionaire who killed himself the other day. I imagine I’d be a less interesting Howard Hughes-type if I didn’t need to work or study (even more than I already am, no urine jars have appeared in my flat yet though…)

    OK I thought of one thing: I’d wish that I could stop hating myself so much. Even when I do something that is positive (which other people have to force me to see and admit) I still can’t feel good about it because I usually put it down to luck, or can only see how badly I did it or the ways in which is went wrong. It stops me from trying, or even thinking about (yes, I get embarrassed in my own mind when I try to think about positive outcomes from me socially interacting with people) trying to do hardly anything that might improve my social situation. I truly 100% believe if I tried to talk to someone (even if I knew how or when and what was appropriate) that it will always end in failure.

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  3. Nick

    dont give up. you have to make the changes that u want to see in ur life. people cant befriend you if u hide away. people cant get to know you if you are too scared to let them. you may believe u are “loathsome” and all that, but its ur belief of those things that continue the cycle.

    you have to want to change and be willing to try. dont let ur fears hold u back, if u really want to be better

    keep strong … good luck πŸ™‚

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  4. Lola Snow

    I’m with K. If you think you are at rock bottom, then it needs to be said, what do you have left to lose by trying something new? This is just a theoretical question, I’m not saying go out and do anything new, lets not ask for the moon on a stick here, but why don’t you kick about the idea of what could happen if you did? Make a pros and cons list. You can do anything with it you want to when you’re done. I promise it’s not a legally binding contract. Stick a pin in all the things which say you can’t have that, just for now, and think about if you could, what you really want. Anything goes, the sublime, the ridiculous and the realistic. Things you have always wanted to see or do or try, but always written off as something you can’t have. For example I’ve always wanted to go to Amsterdam and see the galleries, or try that crazy sport where you sit in a big plastic ball and they push you off a hill – I think they call it sphereing?

    Try it. (I don’t mean sphereing, it looks dangerous) I reckon theres a lot of things out there which you would love and enjoy if you tried them. It’s just you haven’t tried them just yet. YET.

    Lola x

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  5. Nick please dont give up, I know that things are really difficult but they can get better. If you keep on pushing yourself, keep on sittiing in the kitchen in your halls, keep on pushing yourself from hiding in your room things can get better. And if you want someone to talk to me you have me on facebook. Hannah X

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