I don’t know where the last week went. I didn’t see daylight between Tuesday and Friday, I couldn’t face the world so I dosed up and slept throughout the days and was kept awake by the sound of people enjoying themselves through the nights. I managed to hand the one piece of work I had to do over Christmas in luckily. I’ve returned to the old ways of counting every hour I have left in my safe bubble away from the staring faces and malicious laughter, away from the passive taunting of what could have been if only I wasn’t such a tremendous fuck up and so god damn hideous. The old me is slowly returning, no desire to better myself any more, I just want an end.
I’m a lost and hopeless cause. If pathetic, lonely middle aged man who lives with his long suffering parent, still under the delusion that their son is wonderful, is the best I can hope for… well fuck that. I’d rather die with the illusion that I had a life ahead of me than after making real the pathetic mess that I will inevitably become.