Back to uni

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I’m back here now, alone and with no-one to talk to again. Maybe it might seem like I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. I read that people say on average 16,000 words a day (it also debunked the myth that women talk more than men) but in one week I said under 10 (yes, I kept count) and that was only to people who served me in shops. It’s a lonely place, mentally. 

I don’t know what is going to happen in the near future, the long term is too dismal to contemplate at the moment. Maybe I can survive from day to day, but there’s no happiness in my life, I look forward to nothing except an escape from it all. Sleeping is the highlight of each of my days. Eating has become a chore and it’ll get even worse now I’m back here and daren’t enter the kitchen because of all the people here. *Sigh* just thought I’d better make another post since I was in such a bad place when I wrote the last one.

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6 thoughts on “Back to uni

  1. Lola Snow

    It’s so strange these days to read things like this. People saying that they don’t have a future, that they are trapped that they are worthless, and knowing that nothing I can say will ever really reach them, because I’ve been there.

    What is stranger that I was in exactly this place a few weeks ago. Depressed, had set a date with a high building, packing away my stuff and writing a will. And then I finally got some medication to work, after years of thinking there was nothing in life for me, bam totally different perspective on life. Nothing had changed. I was still f*cked up, still depressive if I didn’t take medication, still stuck in an eating disordered hole, no boyfriend, ruined health, friends had sort of moved on got careers, husbands houses and kids. And one side of 12 oclock i was going to top myself, but the otherside i woke up, hopped out of bed and got on with my life.

    since then, don’t get me wrong, every day is still a huge battleground, but with a drug that works, it seems like a possible fight, not a pointless cause.

    You can have that. I know it sounds like crap but it is true. No matter how long you have been down there, or how inept you feel, you are more than capable of turning it around. If you can write so honestly, and logically, you can start to get well.

    That’s not meant to sound as pep talky as it does, but I just wanted you to know. I have seen both sides of the coin, and come through it. You’re not unique in that way, like you aren’t the only person on the earth who is beyond repair. You just need to find something that makes you want to hold on, even if it’s just being angry that you haven’t had the life you wanted so far. Fight.

    Lola x

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  2. Nick

    I don’t know what I’d want to hold on to though 😦 I have no friends, no job, nowhere to go and nothing to do. Nothing gives me pleasure any more. I crave human contact but never get any, I’m far too ugly to ever have anyone care about me. The most I can hope for is the few friendly hugs that I’ve had, I’m a pathetic shell of a person and I don’t even deserve to carry on. I just want a way out, if I could start over as a different person then I would, but it’s not possible.

    I don’t mean to dismiss your advice, I’m amazed that anyone cares so much to type messages to me and I’m incredibly grateful. This is the only contact I have with people at the moment so I appreciate it immensely, Lola.

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  3. Lola Snow

    I can think of a few things you might want to hold onto, but they have to come from you. That is amazingly hard if you feel like your life resembles a pile of steaming shit though, so don’t add more pressure to your situation by beating yourself up for not being able to find things straightaway. I get a sense that even the things you do, and don’t dislike, like the time you spend on the computer, you beat yourself up, because it doesn’t fit into the image that you expect “normal people” or “everyone else” should hold.

    What if the life you are comparing yourself to, is not the one that you are supposed to have? Not everyone is a social butterfly, some people enjoy a life with a few people in it. But those people are valuable to them. Not so long ago you were making such big steps towards trying new things, meeting new people, and going to new places. That shows incredible courage, really it does.

    I like reading your blog, you describe your loneliness very well, and I identify with so much of what you have written. I don’t have the answers for you, but I’ll keep commenting as long as you keep writing. You are worth far more than this place you are in.

    Lola x

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  4. Nick

    You are right Lola, I do beat myself up for the time I spend on the computer because that’s all I ever seem to do and it’s mostly not productive 😦 I have no idea how to be ‘normal’ and by that I mean socially acceptable and like all the other hundreds of people I see when I go outside who can talk and at least appear to have fun and go places.

    I realise I’ll never be a social butterfly, and I don’t think I’d want/be able to cope with that. I do wish that I could go back in time and at least make myself capable of having one friend or at least be able to talk to and keep regular contact with one person in real life. I’m well beyond the stage where that is socially acceptable now. People my age are supposed be developing careers and are in long term relationships, not trying to figure out how to talk to their peers in a casual setting 😦 I’m beyond fucked up, left behind even by other younger SA sufferers. I’m out performed by highschool kids in every way, I never developed emotionally beyond 12 years old. That’s when I lost connection with reality and began hiding away and little has changed since.

    The only improvements I have made are out of necessity and aren’t anything special, everyone else who I’m with is 5 years younger than me and far, far more mature and world-wise than me. I feel like a kid who’s stumbled into an adults dinner party. I just cannot connect with these people, I’m just a fucked up mess of high ideals, non existent social skills and the awkwardness of a withdrawn teenager at best.

    If I couldn’t make it to university, my life would definitely not been worth living. I was unemployed for 18 months and only had 3 months work experience and I was heading nowhere. I can’t get through an interview for even the most menial job, at least this bought me 3 years at least (or at most, depending on how you look at it). I can only meet people in the manufactured “playpen” of SA meetups, I’m only comfortable around those who already expect little of me and for me to be socially retarded. I’m not cut out for the real world, I knew it at 14, 10 years later I’m more sure of it than ever.

    Thank you for reading and commenting, I know you can’t have the answers, no-one can but it helps a little for me to write down how I’m feeling. Maybe sometime in the future a psychologist can use this as an insight into a person so hideously unfit to live but just lucid enough to describe what it’s like.

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  5. Lola Snow

    You know sometimes I feel just the same. Apparently when you have an eating disorder certain parts of your mental, and physical development stop at the age you started using food as a maladaptive coping mechanism. For me? That is being a 13 year old. The little things are what completely bypass me. I mean seriously a few months ago I couldn’t even feed myself properly right? Wasn’t sure what I was supposed to eat, how many times a day, how to cook…

    And as for driving, or renting a house, buying a home or managing transitions between one thing and another, oh boy! I’m incredibly bad on the phone, and don’t even get me started on relationships! Most of my friends are married with kids, and I’m still trying to work out how to get to the stage where you find someone to go out with (we’ll leave aside the random little incidents of indiscretion because thats not even in the same field!!!)

    It’s all a learning curve, and I have it on great authority from people who I was convinced were “completely normal” are in fact, faking it badly!!!

    Lola x

    PS Did you facebook me? I think it’s you, actually I hope it’s you, but I sent you a message first just to check!

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  6. Nick

    Yes that was me. I’m sorry that you have trouble with those things as well 😦 but I really am hopeless. I’m far too scared to even try and learn how to drive and relationships (and random indiscretions) are things that real people have, not me 😦 Until last year I’d never even been out of the city I live in by myself (aside from school trips), there’s just so much that people take for granted that I can’t do.

    Seriously, I’m just like a shy child who has been transplated into a big ungainly adults body.

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