A Proper Post

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Just before Christmas, I went to see my new psychiatrist. My old one was one of the only healthcare professionals I’ve seen who I actually felt comfortable talking to and actually enjoyed spending time with. She seemed much more understanding and friendly than the others and helped me set some reasonable goals and didn’t patronise me. Unfortunately she moved on to another place and now I’m saddled with this creepy new guy. I found it really hard to speak to him, I totally froze up at a few points, that’s not happened for a while.  I also didn’t think he was very professional, he kept putting his hand on me, probably trying to comfort me and calm me down or something but I didn’t like it. Also there was a med student in there and when he went out of the room, he said I should talk to her which seemed rather unusual to me.

He didn’t seem to know much about me either, he spent a while reading my file at the start of the appointment. At one point he wanted to speak to the consultant but instead of asking me to wait in the waiting room like the others did, he phoned him while I was still in the room and read some things out of my file, which says that they aren’t supposed to be handled by the patient. He said something about avoidant personality disorder to them, which I’ve never been told about.

Towards the end of the appointment, he chastised me for using the phrase “I’m not sure” too often and said that I shouldn’t use it again. I don’t know how else I’m supposed to respond to questions to which I don’t know the answer. He also asked me if I see a CPN, and then asked why not when I told him that I don’t. Well I have no idea why not, I only know what one is from reading other mental health blogs. Very little has been explained to me about how the process works as I am shipped from doctor to doctor.

I really wish I could see someone else instead, but I don’t know who I could complain to or ask about it. Nobody told me who makes the decision about who I see, I just get letters in the post from the doctors’ secretary and I can hardly complain to them. Luckily I don’t need to see him again until the end of January, hopefully I can ask my mum to try and help me get things sorted before then.

In other news, my depression has lifted slightly over the past few days. Hearing back from a very reclusive and avoidant internet friend of mine cheered me up a lot. The suicidal thoughts are still there in my mind though. I don’t feel a sense of despair and crushing helplessness when I think them now though, it’s more an inevitable solution that I’m slowly drifting towards. I don’t know how much time I have left where I can tread water and pretend everything is ok. I found a more reliable sounding method than jumping and I know where I can get the required items now. I’m not feeling sad about this, it’s weird.

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7 thoughts on “A Proper Post

  1. seems ur new doc isnt so wonderful. im hoping this is just due to it being the initial visits. and im sad that ur thoughts are seeming so concrete now. i hope ur good days make u rethink them.

    anyhoo, glad to hear u’ve been having a few good days. i hope they continue 🙂

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  2. Could you talk to your GP about your psychiatrist? And maybe about getting a CPN? It seems strange that you haven’t been given one to me, but I’m not an expert on this kind of thing!
    It doesn’t have to be an inevitable solution, really it doesn’t. I feel very hypocritical saying that because I’ve felt similarly, but it doesn’t have to be inevitable. Things can change, hopefully the depression lift will continue. Just hang in there.

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  3. Nick

    It’s hard because my GP is in a different city where I go to uni, my psych is in my home town since it took ages to arrange it, I didn’t want to cancel that and work my through the system again in a different NHS area. None of them ever mentioned a CPN to me so it’s a mystery 😦

    I don’t know about the inevitability.. Even if I wasn’t depressed, my life would still be devoid of meaning or happiness. I don’t think i can handle an entire lifetime of being alone and unwanted. I’m almost 24 and never know what it’s like to have another person want me as a proper friend, and of course never known what it’s like to be loved or found desirable. I long for human contact and to feel wanted 😦 It’s hard to know you are are a disgusting freak and that it will never happen. Why prolong the pain?

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  4. Anon

    Maybe you should try meditation, or exercise, or gardening. I hear they can help with depression.

    I hope you can get on better with your new psychiatrist, or get your previous one that you liked back if that doesn’t work out. Maybe a CPN would be useful if understanding.

    Don’t let you thinking and actions move towards the idea of suicide, your family and others will be sad. You can still do great things with your life.

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