No life

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I wish I knew what it was like to have someone care about me who wasn’t (fixed bad typo) obligated to. I wish I had the opportunity to call someone up and go to the cinema. I wish I didn’t have to eat alone every day.

I crave human contact; I’m not asexual, though I might as well be for what it’s worth. Being able to hold a person in my arms, to be kissed, it’s a distant and impossible dream for me. I’m supposedly an adult now but I haven’t got past the social development stage of a 12 year old. People younger than me are married and have kids, I still wonder what it’d be like to hold a girls hand. I’m completely pathetic and broken, I let myself get way beyond the stage where the damage could be repaired. I know I’m ugly, but I’ve seen people even worse looking than me with partners so maybe if I’d stopped myself becoming such a retarded shut-in I might have been salvageable.

I feel empty. It’s hard for me to sympathise with people who are upset following the break up of a relationship; at least they know it’s possible for another human to find them desirable in the first place, some of us have never and will never know that. 

I’m just a frightened, emotionally stunted child inside a fat, ugly mans body.

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5 thoughts on “No life

  1. Kyle

    No matter how boring or dull a person is, we all deserve friends. I am 17. I have had social anxiety since I was like 10, but found out what was wrong with me(meaning I found out that there was such a disorder for what was wrong with me:SAD)last year. No one understands me, and even though you and me are a few years apart, I really do feel the way you do at times. My parents do not even understand me. It’s good you told your sister and she understood you. Your lucky for that. I told my sister who is the one I grew up with since childhood and she told me to get over it and to not care. It made me feel all empty inside. I do not tell my older brother because I do not want him to help me because he is always cracking jokes at me, which is another reason why I am having problems because of all the bullying that I have suffered over the years. My mom and dad think it’s all in my head and that there is nothing wrong with me. So I do not talk to them about it. I read your blogs and I read all of them, and it made me want to cry (I know that sounds cheesy) but you reminded me a lot of myself. Though I do have a few close friends that I talk too. I am still trying to survive high school let alone trying to be happy. My other sister knows that I can not do public speaking. She is probably one of the few who has not told me to get over it, but I have been afraid to talk to her or anyone about it, like you, I have to write things out on paper and send it to people. I had to write out my problems and how I felt on paper and give it to my doctor because I just could not speak up and tell him how I felt and the fact that my mom was in the room along with a doctor in training who had to come in on my appointment. They asked me first if he could just watch, but of course I said yes, because for one I am a freaking door mat and I let to many people walk all over me and I always say yes because I didn’t want to be mean. So now that he was in there, I kept all my thoughts inside. I can even sit in the guidance counselors office at school and talk one on one with her because like when I am doing public speaking, I get up there and freeze and my throats dry, and I can not speak the words, and so I send her emails, and not just emails long emails, like sometimes 3 pages worth of it. I was taking Prozac but my mom thought she would test me and she took the powder from the pills and put it back together and gave them to me to take, I thought I was really taking them, when really it was a stupid little plastic pod of nothing. She did it for three weeks. I told her I had felt less releived and I was still getting nervous at school but with less of the symptoms, and then she told me what she did. It was a mean thing to do because in a way, I wouldn’t say it was all in my head but she tricked me, like those placebo affect pills. Anyways, she told my doctor and he said that it was ok and they were going to move up the dosage, and my mom says she didnt want me taking them because she doesn’t think the pills are safe. So she is supposed to be getting my prescription like 3 weeks ago but still has not, and I think she is doing it on purpose just because she does not want me taking them.

    Sometimes I have my good days and sometimes I have those aweful days like you where seriously I want to die, thinking no one cares and no one understands me. Like you, I have a very very close friend with GAD(generalized anxiety disorder). Her and me have been friends since the 7th grade. No one talked to her. She was just like you the loner, and at that time, I was not going through this problem though I was still experiencing my shyness which will never go away. I didn’t see anything wrong with her and asked if I could sit with her once at lunch, and we’ve been really good friends ever since. She knows everything about me and I know everything about her. I do not see her that much anymore considering we have different classes and we only hang out at school in the library during lunch. I have come to the conclusions that I can not bottle of how I feel anymore and that I have no one and no where to turn. I have searched and searched for people with SA stories on the net hoping to shed light on their experiences to help cope with mine, I have not found anyone who I thought has felt the way I do until I read your blogs. I do not feel sorry for you. I am not here to make fun of you, but just want to let you know, if you ever need anyone to talk to you, I am here for you, because no matter how many friends or how social or non social a person is, we all need that person to go too. You never know, you might be able to help me deal with some of my problems.

    I have a Facebook too, and if it’s ok with you, then I am hoping we can be friends.

    Email Me If Your Interested.

    Kyle

    Like

  2. uncensoredmind

    Kyle … i hope u too get the assistance u need. like i believe in Nick, i believe you can achieve the things u want.

    Good Luck. i hope u too can learn from and help each other

    Like

  3. Nick

    Yeah I told the psychiatrist about how I really need *something* to help, I know pills aren’t the answer and she agreed and is going to refer me again thankfully.

    I’m doing a bit better at the moment, thanks everyone for being so nice.

    Like

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