I’m alive, just.

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I think far too much. I know that last week, during the time I was at university I said less than 10 words to people. Nothing beyond meaningless greetings and empty thanks. I’ve fallen back into old habits in some ways, I listen through doors to make my getaway while no-one is around to stop me and enter into the awkwardness of a corridor conversation. I still have no friends in any of my classes and I move further from that with every passing day. I’ve spoken to someone on facebook but they don’t even acknowledge my existence in real life, probably to ashamed to let it be known they ever associated with me. I miss meals, hoard glasses and rubbish for days before daring to emerge from my hideaway.

I’m stuck. Apparently they don’t want to take me on for CBT until the suicidal thoughts stop. I don’t know how I can stop them if I can’t make any progress with these problems, assuming it’s all (or at least a major part) in my head like people keep telling me. I’m not so sure about that, I think people are just reluctant (or contractually bound not to) tell me that I’m a hideous looking screw up who is far too damaged to ever have a chance at being acceptable to people. Now I am in a dilemma, either I lie to my psychiatrist and hope CBT comes through soon, or I tell the truth and get nowhere. They can’t help me except by cramming pills down my throat but that doesn’t fix anything. I can’t call the crisis team, I’m not having a crisis. I don’t think there’s a line for people that slowly but surely fucked their lives up completely and are beginning to realise that it is far too late and a life of solitary misery is all that awaits them.

The usual disclaimer about me knowing how fortunate I am and how lucky I am compared to 99% of the world applies. I feel guilty about it every day already, don’t try to make me feel worse.

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8 thoughts on “I’m alive, just.

  1. Nick,

    Im praying for you. im hoping u can find some positives to hold on to. did u ever read that book i sent you? did it help any at all?

    i think u should be honest. maybe u could let them read ur honest thoughts from here … just a thought.

    please stay strong and try to be positive.

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  2. Anon

    Hey being a fuck-up doesn’t get you sent to hell. It’s being an evil fucker who does bad things and doesn’t feel any remorse about it that gets sent to hell, and you don’t sound like that at all. “The meek shall inherit the earth” remember? So you don’t have anything to worry about if religion is right.

    Your dilemma over your treatment is a difficult one that I don’t know if I’m qualified or in an appropriate position to comment on, but I hope you’ll come to a decision that will help your efforts to better your life. Perhaps you should discuss your concerns in this regard with your doctor?

    You’ve made it this far you know, which is an achievement.
    You just need to keep trying, it’s never too late! (Unless you’re dead, in which case it certainly is too late. So don’t die! That’s pointless.)
    There is always a chance as long as you keep living.

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  3. everyone is worth praying for. u need to start believing in urself … somehow. u need to find something good about urself and build on that … it can be anything physical or intangible; some achievement u are proud of (like going back to University).

    i think u should read the book.

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  4. Of course you’re worth praying for! I know you don’t feel like you are but really, you are.
    It always seems like the mental health services send everyone in circles doesn’t. Telling the truth never seems to be the option that will actually get you the most help, despite how terrible you’re feeling.
    Do you think it would do any good to explain all this to your GP? Like about how you want the CBT but they won’t let you have it when you still have suicidal feelings? It’s so stupid the way the system works.

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  5. Nick

    I’m agnostic so I doubt any god would want to help me.

    Yes the mental health services are a fractured mess, none of them know what the others are doing, at least it seems like that. I’ll try talking to my GP but last time I went, I was feeling particularly low and tried to talk to them about it and found they weren’t interested and just slid the prescription across the desk as if that was my cue to shut up and leave 😦

    Thank you for the kind comments.

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  6. It sounds like you’re right about the mental health service. I hope you get to read the book that you were given. Anything that could help is worth a try?? And try to remember that people caring about you is a good thing. I was worried too when you didn’t post for a while.

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  7. Nick

    I am going to have a look at the book now, thanks sunshine.

    Sorry if I worried you ms p. I just didn’t have the motivation to come back here for a while but I didn’t want people to think I was gone just yet 😦

    Nothing really helps the fact that my life is worthless. Nothing can distract me from the horrible, freakish and unlikeable person I am and the bitter loneliness. My mood makes it even less likely that anyone’d want to know me. Who wants to hang around with a suicidal lunatic?

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