From what I’ve read, it seems like a lot of people who feel suicidal are in a desperate and panicked state of mind. They can’t cope with the horrible state of their life and the pain is intense and immediate. I’ve felt like this before, most notably when I was at university the first time, almost five years to the day. I simply couldn’t handle things any more and I felt like the world was falling in on me. Lately though, my suicidal feelings haven’t been because of such an intense, crushing problem, it’s more like I have just come to realise that things are never going to change in a major way for me. I thought (rather optimistically) that I might be able to reinvent myself and was told that university and living away from home would be “a new beginning” and although I wasn’t expecting miracles, I’d hoped that I might at least be able to take one step forward and perhaps make a friend.
Numerous people have told me about how someone they know became a lot more confident when they went off to university. I’ve seen it happen to people, but of course it hasn’t happened to me. It took a grand total of one day before I slipped back into my role as the quiet loner. I don’t know how people make friends, the process seems a total mystery to me. Within a couple of days, groups of friends had developed in my classes and now I’m the only person who always sits alone. I’m too afraid to approach groups of people and butt into their conversations, I could never do that. The time I tried speaking to a person who was also on their own turned out disasterous and now they have of course found some normal people to associate so have no need for me.
I don’t know how it works, it just seems like people magically get to know each other. Whenever I try to talk to somebody, the conversation never goes beyond meaningless small talk. No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am not a hideous weirdo whom people want to avoid and get away from, I can never believe that. All my experiences so far seem to confirm my suspicions.
I’d love to follow someone else for a day and just see what they do. I realise that no-one is going to go out of their way to talk to a weirdo loner like me so if I am going to get to know someone, I’m going to have to initiate it, but I simply have no idea how to do that. On a typical day I go out in the morning to my lectures. When I get there, a few people are usually standing with their friends talking before we go in to the room, after the lecture people go off to wherever normal people go and I go back to my room to hide. Repeat that for 5 days and that’s my week. I don’t know what to do. Who should I talk to and what about? At the beginning when I had some misplaced confidence, I tried speaking to someone on the way out of a class, I asked which of the courses they were doing and a few other things but within 2 minutes they had made their getaway. When I said hello the next week, their other friends looked at me disgusted like I had no right to interfere in their group and I haven’t dared speak to anyone since.
Life is a mystery to me. I’m 23, almost 24 and I don’t know how to do things that most people seem to pick up as children. A lot of people claim to be “shy” or whatever but I doubt many people have not got a single real-life friend and have never had one for their entire teenage and adult life. It’s quite depressing to be in this situation, and I try not to think about relationships as that tends to push me over into suicidal mood. In a discussion I read on the internet recently, a couple of people were arguing because one of them refused to believe that the other didn’t ever plan on getting married or having children. Their argument was “Oh you will change your mind one day”, as if the idea of someone not wanting those things was ludicrous. I don’t ever want those either, luckily for me. What chance would I have if by the time I’m in my mid twenties I have never so much as held a girls hand before, let alone kissed anyone?
I think the enormous lack of social contact and life experience is as much to blame for my low mood than the anxiety and any physiological cause of depression (serotonin levels or whatever). I’m not normal and I can’t relate to what appear to be fundamental experiences within society. Look how many books, television programmes, movies and god knows what else are centred around human relationships. They are things that people can relate to, but not me.
I’ve tried discussing this with people before but they always try to tell me that I’m not weird (of course none of them are in the same situation) but I know that I am, in an objective sense at least. I can’t find the data at the moment but a while ago I read a study about the age at which people lost their virginity and the average age was around 16, with over 99% of people have lost it after the age of 21. That means I am in at least 1% minority of the population already.
I don’t know what I want from people when I talk about how badly depressed I am. Maybe subconsciously I am trying to get validation for my suicidal thoughts. I think I might want someone to tell me yes, you are a complete fuck-up and the chance of you ever having a happy, normal life are pretty much 0 so you might as well end it now.