Outsider

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I’ve found myself in a familiar place here, on the outside. Since I started high school I’ve never really belonged to any particular group. I never fit into any of the “cliques” or whatever the name for them is these days. I wasn’t a goth, skater, popular or any other easily defined type of person. I didn’t even fit in with the nerds. Back in those days I used to tell myself that I was happier and better off alone, after all they were just acting that way to fit in with each other, the phonies. In a way I was happier, avoidance let my escape the anxiety which I dreaded so much but it left me without any proper friends or connections.

Here, it hasn’t taken long for me to become the odd one out. I don’t go out to clubs etc so I don’t fit in here either. I suppose it doesn’t help that I am incredibly quiet and also older than my other flatmates but I did initially make the effort to try and get to know them, however that has not gone well. I can talk to them in passing and I’ve even had short conversations with them when I’ve seen them alone but I can’t participate in group discussions so I’m effectively frozen out. I’d like to be friends with them, but we don’t really have anything at all in common.

So out of practice am I, that I doubt that I will make any friends here at all. I’ve already embarrassed myself by trying to speak to someone in my class who also looked to be by themselves and the only other person whose name I know and have spoken too reminded me too much of my old “friends” from school. I don’t want to be in that situation again where I am made to feel stupid for actually wanting to work, and having my notes copied and all that. I desperately want to try my hardest to do well in this degree and I don’t want it being spoiled by another person who thinks they’re “too cool for school” and mocks people for working hard. I mean, what’s the point? Why pay all that money if you aren’t going to concentrate?

I apologise for this incoherent ramble, I was woke up by water leaking into my room from the flat above so I’m not in the greatest of moods.

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4 thoughts on “Outsider

  1. I was worried about being ridiculed for wanting to work, like I was in high school, but I’ve found that uni isn’t really like high school- we’re all here to get a degree, so no-one really messes around. And what you said I there I totally agree with. It’s only my second week so I could be wrong.

    I haven’t made friends with anyone on my course, and I avoid my flatmates at all costs, even to the point of skipping meals (we share a kitchen). Luckily I have a small group of friends who invite me out, and they don’t seem to mind if I don’t feel like it.

    And good for you for actually trying to speak to someone in your class! I haven’t got there yet.

    What degree are you doing? (just out of interest)

    Just remember that you are not alone, take care xxxx

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  2. Nick

    I’ve missed a few meals here as well for the same reason :S so I know what you are going through. Thanks for the encouragement, I’m sure you’ll be able to speak to someone in your class, it just takes some of us longer than others 🙂 I’m doing a computer science degree.

    Thank you and take care too

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  3. uncensoredmind

    hey, good to hear from you. i never fit in to any cliques in high school or uni. i thought it was ridiculous to try to be something im not and i wasnt going to be bothered to change for the sake of others’ acceptance.

    hopefully ur days will get better as ur confidence improves. honestly, if u keep telling urself that u cant do something then u really wont be able to. so i hope u can find some way to turn those “i cant” feelings into “i can” actions.

    good luck

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  4. Mina

    Hi,
    I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling like an outsider again. I just want to tell you not to be discouraged: keep on trying, you will find people that you can be friends with eventually. 😀
    Try not to think that you’ve made a fool of yourself.. People worth knowing will not see it that way at all. 🙂
    Good luck, try not to worry, and enjoy your degree!
    Mina

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