Changes

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I have a very vivid memory about a lot of aspects of my life, maybe because I have so few life experiences. When I think back, every major change has led to me becoming more unhappy and some other emotion I can’t quite describe. A lot of people hate school or their job but most seem to settle into it; I never have and I always feel an intense desire to be away from those kind of situations. I don’t know if it’s a fear of being trapped or something…

From the first time I went to preschool, when I started school and high school and finally university (the first time I tried..) and work I have always feared the change and always had those fears become “justified”. I can’t help but feel the same thing will happen to me again when I go to uni tomorrow. Reading comments between 2 of my future flatmates has already made me feel uneasy since they seem so alike and I can tell they will more than likely get on well. They are exactly as I had pictured everyone that I will meet at university, there is no way they will like me or want anything to do with me. I think I can handle that but if they dislike me so much that they start to make horrible comments and jokes about me then I don’t thank I will be able to cope.

My mum wanted to spend the evening with me today (she usually goes to her boyfriends house on Saturday nights) I don’t know whether it was wholly to spend some time with me before I go or whether a part of her wanted to check up on me and make sure I didn’t do anything “stupid”. Those fears will not have been unfounded though, I have thoughts of running out and jumping off that bridge going around my head. I’ve managed to get myself into an impossible situation; if I tell anyone, then I won’t be able to go to university and they’ll keep me here. I can’t live with that either so it leaves me with 2 choices: try to bury the fears and suicidal ideas and go to uni pretending everything is fine or sneak out and do it without telling anyone.  If I can’t sleep tonight, I hope for my family’s sake that I can keep these urges under control.

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3 thoughts on “Changes

  1. uncensoredmind

    seems the anxiety is really getting to you. **hugs** hope u are able to relax soon. u’ve done really well so far. u found the strength to try again and u sought help when u needed it. you should try to build on that.

    dont worry too much about ur flatmates. they havent gotten to know you yet, so dont count urself out. ur not there to impress anyone EXCEPT urself. u can use this chance at university as a challenge to urself that u can be better and do better. please be strong 🙂

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  2. mspennylane

    I really hope you manage to cope with your feelings at least until you get to decide about university and what it is like. Aout flatmates, when I arrived I thought that everyone had to be friends, but our flat soon sort of divided into groups, some of whom got on better with others. In the end my real friends weren’t my flatmates and I was annoyed at myself for wasting time trying to get them to be real friends. A lot of people at uni can be idiots, drinking all the time and doing nothing, especially in the first year. But this is by no means the only way in which to socialise at uni, and if it means it takes longer to meet people then it really doesn’t matter. Often, people drink a lot at first because they are nervous and it’s hard to make friends, so if you avoid this it will be better in the long run.

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