How quickly things change…

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for the worse. I actually felt quite good yesterday and today, I was beginning to feel a tiny bit more confident about university and life in general but as usual it has lasted. I have come crashing down again, I just wrote a desperate email to an online friend of mine, one of the only people who understands me, asking her to email me back. It’s hard when the person you want to talk to more than anyone in the world has avoidant personality and extreme SA 😦 I am in tears at the moment, I can’t stand myself any more. I want to die. Even when I am happy, there is an underlying disappointment that those moods are just holding me back from my biggest desire, to simply not suffer existence any more. Maybe I can last the 3 days before I see the psychiatrist, I don’t know how much help they can be in 1 hour though. I feel like I need a good talking to every day to stop me slipping into these horribly desperate moods.

I’ve already made preparations for my departure. There are several notes for each of the few people I have been able to talk to over the last, empty part of my life. Evidence from my computers has been securely destroyed, I just need to get rid of some burned DVDs.

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8 thoughts on “How quickly things change…

  1. uncensoredmind

    glad u had a few good days. maybe they will inspire u to keep trying to have more good days. hopefully ur confidence will continue to improve.

    please dont be too sad about the lack of response. maybe ur friend is a little preoccupied right now. try to focus on positives and keep adding them to ur list.

    i sincerely hope ur departure plan is only a plan. and that you dont give up. if you decide to put it into action, know that my thoughts are with you and i grieve for u and those who love you. please try to be safe and hopeful.

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  2. Please don’t put your departure plan into action, at least wait until you see your psychiatrist and tell them about your plan. I know I’m like the last person who should be saying that given my desperate blog ramblings but please try not to do anything. You just have to have hope that something will change and believe me I really do know how incredibly difficult (usually impossible) that seems.
    I’ll be thinking of you.

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  3. wickedmouth

    I think you have dark hair. Am I right? It’s not black, but a dark brown. Am I right?

    If I am say yes and I’ll continue. If I’m wrong, you don’t have to worry about me ever on your blog again. For f*cks sake though…I have important things to share with you. I am not screwing around. This issue is serious and so many people on here are responding like it’s a F*cking junior high pep talk instead of someone discussing ending their life.

    Get real Nick. You’re holding on to this and doing it on your own, but you don’t have to. The responses you’re getting regarding your suicide from people like uncensoredmind (for example “if you decide to put it into action, know that my thoughts are with you and i grieve for u and those who love you.”) These comments are garbage and unbelievably poisonous to someone who is seriously considering suicide.

    I’ve been where you’re standing and if this isn’t some sick joke and you’re truly in need of help – then I’m here to help and I fucking mean it. I don’t mean I’m here to be pen pals – I mean I can show you the support you truly need to make it clear to those in your life about the seriousness of this situation and how we go about a plan of action. It’s not you Nick. It’s we in this world. People like us. It’s we. WE save each other.

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  4. Yes..

    I’m kind of confused, do you know who I am or something?

    I swear this isn’t a sick joke, it’s how I really feel. I can’t tell anyone in real life, all I can do to let my feelings out is write here. People who comment here are only trying to help, it’s not their responsibility to make me feel better or anything.

    If you think you can help me I’d be extremely grateful. I don’t know why anyone would care about me though 😦

    Like

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