Down again

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My mood came spiralling down again this evening, I knew the relief wouldn’t last forever. I had to answer a question yesterday; why did I feel like killing myself. It is virtually impossible for me to answer out loud but I want to try and write down exactly what is wrong and why I am feeling terribly depressed again (though not actively suicidal, don’t worry).

I am extremely lonely. Because of my horrible appearance and incredibly dull personality, I have no friends at all. I’m too socially anxious to try and make any, no-one would want to know me regardless because I don’t like doing anything that normal people consider to be fun. I also have no life experience or any idea how to act around people because I haven’t had a friend since I was 10 years old and have hardly ever left the house in that time either (I’m 23 now).

For the last 18 months I have been rejected over and over again from every single job that I applied for. I wasn’t setting my targets too high, even minimum wage jobs that had no qualification requirements decided that I was not good enough for them. This is probably understandable since I look like I am mentally disabled and am extremely ugly which makes a terrible first impression at interviews, I then go on to make things even worse since I literally shake with fear and can hardly talk properly because I’m so anxious. My ever increasing gap in work history also counts against me.

As I said previously, I am hideously ugly. I was bullied constantly throughout the time I was at secondary school and sixth form (age 11-18 for those not familiar) directly to my face. This was mostly about my appearance, though being clever and quiet also attracted a lot of negative attention as well. At college it took place behind my back which was a welcome relief, but at work it became just as bad as school, except I couldn’t run away from it. I’d dread going into the office every day as the comments would start the second I came in the door.

All the fun and games that come with SA like not being able to make phone calls without psyching myself up for ages before hand and then making a mess of it, and not being able to hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds also make me feel worthless. I can’t be bothered to describe all the ways SA affects me again, suffice to say that it has made my life a misery so far.

I’ve never known what it is like to be found attractive at all. No girl has ever expresses any interest in me, not surprising in the slightest but it still gets me down a lot. 23 years is a long time to have been single and several times a day I am made to feel pathetic and utterly worthless by something people say or something I hear on TV. Maybe this is sounding like an angsty teens livejournal, but I had hoped that by the time I was almost in my mid twenties I’d have had my first kiss.

Everyone that bullied me (mostly those who were supposed to be my friends) is now much more successful than me. I shouldn’t punish myself by looking them up on facebook, it’s hard to see them all with degrees, in relationships and with good jobs while I’m still the same old pathetic, shy loser living with his mum in the same house as when they used to make fun of me all those years ago. I doubt most of them would remember me very often but I can’t help thinking about the mental scars they caused every single day. I used to think that one day I’d be able to look down on them for a change because I’d have turned my potential into a good degree and job, but no I am just an unemployed loser.

Oh well that’s enough for now. Pity I could tell all that to the psychiatrist when she asked what was depressing me.

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8 thoughts on “Down again

  1. Hi, saw your blog on my tag surfer. i have SA too. it’s bad, but not as bad as just a few years ago. i am mostly a loner and don’t have any friends (no exaggeration here), but i’ve been lucky enough to have my boyfriend. i never thought that day would come so it surprised me. i think at some level you have to not care what other people think. it’s more important what you think about yourself, so it’s sad that the world so easily shapes our self-esteem. i am still very much working on trying to change this way of thinking for myself. anyway, stick with it. i hope things get better!

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  2. uncensoredmind

    NIck, i know very little about ur illness and i wont pretend to know how u feel. honestly though, i think u need to find a way to stop comparing urself to people. u need to realise that u cant measure ur life by what other ppl have achieved. somehow, uve got to place a little less emphasis on what others think until it no longer matters. you just have to set goals for urself and work towards them. God gave you life, so are worth every bit of happiness that you desire.

    hope today is a better day

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  3. I can’t help caring about what people think, nothing else matters really. You can’t get anywhere in life if people think as badly of you as they do of me. I appreciate the encouragement though 🙂

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  4. uncensoredmind

    hmm … reputation does matter, but honestly where or not someone likes or dislikes you doesnt decide ur potential.

    i have few friends and many of the ppl ive interacted with may not think much of me. but their opinion cant decide my dreams or the direction of my life. it doesnt matter what ppl think of you … it matters what you think of you …. thats my point

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  5. mspennylane

    Hi Nick. I have an idea for you to try about the job. I recently signed up to the forums at digitalpoint.com and you can get writing jobs there – you don’t really need experience as you can just start out really cheap and in a few days I have managed to earn quite a bit just emailing articles and getting paid through PayPal. It’s really good too because I find that I’m not too stressed about things doing this kind of job like I get when I do other things. Anyway, you should check it out as I think it is perfect for you since you can obviously write and the articles I have had so far are pretty standard looking things up on the internet and writing about it. Feel free to ask me anything about it if you like

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  6. mspennylane

    I just realised the email address on here is my old university email I can’t access anymore. If you could forward the email to admin[at]marmaladeskiesblog.com then I should get it 🙂

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  7. Mina

    I’ve lurked a bit, but this is the first comment I’ve made on a blog. I just wanted to say that if you do find it hard to explain these things to your psychiatrist, maybe you should write it down like you did here if it’s easier.
    Just a thought, because I think maybe getting this information to her is important.
    Secondly, going to university is probably a good thing because you can sort of start again and get people to think differently about you. Also people tend to be more considerate on the whole.
    I hope things get better for you.

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