Self hatred

Standard

A few thoughts that I posted on a forum recently:

As the title says (I genuinely hate myself), I honestly don’t like myself at all. I don’t feel like I deserve help and when my therapist suggests trying to fight back against my “internal critic” and simply cannot do that, because I don’t believe any other way of thinking is correct. Telling myself that I’m “OK” or that I am not weird would be like trying to tell myself that I am not a man, or that I don’t speak English.

I don’t want to help myself, I feel as though I deserve to be depressed because I am such a loser and so pathetic. Whenever people try to say positive things to me, my first reaction is hostility and then disagreement, as if they were complimenting my worst enemy. 

I’m not sure exactly what is wrong with me now, morbid thoughts are almost constantly on my mind and I don’t even try to stop them, in a strange indescribable way, I am glad that they are there.

If a person hated someone so much and thought they were a waste of resources and a drain on society, if they thought that the person was so pathetic and such a loser that the world would be much better without them that they wished they were dead. Would you think that the person is bad? Evil? 

What if the object of their hatred was them self?

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Self hatred

  1. Shany

    Dear Nick,

    Iv been reading through your blogs for the past week or so. i got your blogs through the site about.com when i was browsing through the topic of SAD. Im exactly like u Nick, each word u write about yourself is exactly true abt me. The only difference is that im a f and 25 years old. I know exactly how you feel.. but dont worry Nick there is still hope out there for us . THings are goin to improve and we are goin to fly!

    With lots of love,
    Shany.

    Like

  2. Hi Shany, I’m sorry you feel the same, SAD is so tough to live with. I wish I could believe there is hope out there for me, but it doesn’t seem like it 😦

    Thank you for the comment, I hope you are well.

    Like

  3. I’ve been where you are now. I’ve been in that horribly dark place where every moment is hurt and the hope of nothing more than more hurting, and then comes the numbness and the wanting it all to be done.

    I’m on the other side. There’s light here. There’s hope for. And it’s worth the fight. It’s worth pushing through the self-loathing. It’s worth trying to do the things that make you happy, even though you don’t think you deserve to be happy.

    This level of depression is so cyclical that escape looks impossible. But it’s not. You just need to take one step out of that circle to shatter it. One moment wherein you realize that you can MATTER, even if only in the smallest of ways.

    Giving helps. That’s what got me out. Seeing that through kindness and generousity I could have a positive impact on others. Just saying something nice to the weary grocery store clerk, or smiling at the lonely old man I passed on the sidewalk.

    It’s a long dark road you’re on. Just wanted you to hear from someone who successfully navigated themselves of it. There are other roads.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s