I had another session with the mental health practitioner today, only a week from the last one. We intended to go over my negative thoughts and try to challenge them but I think I ended up frustrating her because I simply cannot believe any alternatives and I think her assessment of what I’m doing to myself is wrong. She thinks that there are 2 sides to me, one that has internalised the voice of the people who bullied me in the past and the real me who never stands up to it. I don’t see it that way though, I just think I am being realistic with myself and not overly critical.
I think it stems from a fear of people thinking that I am vain or full of myself, I am brutally honest about my own shortcomings. When she suggested that I should try and tell the “bully” to shut up and challenge it, it just struck me as impossible because I can’t lie to myself. It would be like trying to tell myself that I am not a man or I don’t have any legs. When I said to her that it would simply be denial, she said I sounded like I was being delusional, which scared me a bit.
We eventually returned to the topic of my suicidal ideation which has come flooding back over the last couple of days. She wanted to know if I had thought about how I might do it (as if I have thought about much else for the past 2 months) and asked me to tell her what method I would use. I simply couldn’t get the words to come out, neither could I explain why it was impossible for me to say them. Thinking it through now, I was afraid of appearing melodramatic in front of her. I can’t bring myself to say “I would jump off a bridge” aloud, it sounds so ridiculous coming from a privileged, spoiled layabout like me. I didn’t want to tell her my other, legally dubious plan either since it involves pharmaceuticals and I don’t want to end up in a hospital against my will. I ended up telling her that I did feel safe to be at home and that I wouldn’t do it, though I’m genuinely not sure whether I will or not. I wrote more on my note to the family and some to my online friends last night, I don’t know if I’ll feel like doing that when the time comes so I want to finish them now.
Enough depressing rambling for now.