Painful Truths

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I had another session with the mental health practitioner today, only a week from the last one. We intended to go over my negative thoughts and try to challenge them but I think I ended up frustrating her because I simply cannot believe any alternatives and I think her assessment of what I’m doing to myself is wrong. She thinks that there are 2 sides to me, one that has internalised the voice of the people who bullied me in the past and the real me who never stands up to it. I don’t see it that way though, I just think I am being realistic with myself and not overly critical.

I think it stems from a fear of people thinking that I am vain or full of myself, I am brutally honest about my own shortcomings. When she suggested that I should try and tell the “bully” to shut up and challenge it, it just struck me as impossible because I can’t lie to myself. It would be like trying to tell myself that I am not a man or I don’t have any legs. When I said to her that it would simply be denial, she said I sounded like I was being delusional, which scared me a bit.

We eventually returned to the topic of my suicidal ideation which has come flooding back over the last couple of days. She wanted to know if I had thought about how I might do it (as if I have thought about much else for the past 2 months) and asked me to tell her what method I would use. I simply couldn’t get the words to come out, neither could I explain why it was impossible for me to say them. Thinking it through now, I was afraid of appearing melodramatic in front of her. I can’t bring myself to say “I would jump off a bridge” aloud, it sounds so ridiculous coming from a¬†privileged, spoiled layabout like me. I didn’t want to tell her my other, legally dubious plan either since it involves pharmaceuticals and I don’t want to end up in a hospital against my will. I ended up telling her that I did feel safe to be at home and that I wouldn’t do it, though I’m genuinely not sure whether I will or not. I wrote more on my note to the family and some to my online friends last night, I don’t know if I’ll feel like doing that when the time comes so I want to finish them now.

Enough depressing rambling for now.

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4 thoughts on “Painful Truths

  1. Pingback: » Painful Truths
  2. I know what you mean about how hard it is to tell MH proffesionals about plans you have because you always know at the back of your head that by telling someone the plans can be stopped. Hope university goes really well for you. X

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  3. heavyliesthecrown

    I can completely relate to that first bit, when I first started CBT they kept making me do all of this balanced thought malarkey, I was super at writing down a challenge for my thoughts, but I could never actually bring myself to believe it, I always knew I was lying to myself. The therapist got unbelieveably frustrated with me, in the end she ended up shouting at me “don’t you get it? nobody is staring at you in the street because nobody cares about you!” I know she meant well, but it was a shock to hear it like that!

    I can’t really give you any advice ’cause I’m pretty much in the same boat, but If you really start to feel unsafe please tell someone.

    Keep rambling if it makes you feel better!
    Take care x

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  4. Thanks Hannah, I know what you mean, I really don’t want to be stopped if I decide that’s what I want to do.

    heavyliesthecrown: I can’t believe she shouted at you! I think I’d probably cry if that happened to me. I don’t know what to do if I feel unsafe, because I don’t really want to be “saved”…

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